Growing into Me with Bipolar

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So, as I posted previously I was in the hospital for most of November and most of January, with a small 3 week break between the two hospitalizations. The first time we ended up not changing meds and then the second time they added a bunch.

When I had the 3 week break between hospitalizations I came home to a wrecked home like a tornado had gone through it and my daughter having left without notifying me to her dad’s several states away.

My daughter left because we had a fight just before I went to the hospital. She says I said terrible things to her and that she can’t forgive me. I denied doing such a thing. I have no memory of what was said, just that we’d had a fight. That just made her more upset with me because she thought I was calling her a liar. Eventually I accepted that I must have done this terrible thing and I told her so, and I told her I was very sorry.

Unfortunately, the damage is done. She refuses to interact or communicate with me at all. It has been 11 months and I have made no headway in trying to convince her I am truly sorry. I don’t know how I am supposed to make it right when she won’t give me an opportunity to show her I can be trusted again.

This brings up lots of mixed emotions in me, and not just that I feel I have lost my daughter forever, but also issues with my own mother with whom I have been estranged for 9 years. If I want my daughter to give me a chance to rebuild trust, then maybe I have to do the same for my mother? But I don’t know if I can trust my mother with another (way more than second) chance, as she has squandered the many that I gave her. On the other hand, how else can I show my daughter that she should also give me a second chance if I don’t do it myself with my own mother?

My brain and heart are agonizing over this situation. I am slowly dying as my soul seeps out the wound left by my daughter’s refusal to interact with me. I am constantly thinking about either my daughter or my mother and nothing else. Every time I think about my daughter, I start to cry, whether it is a good memory or a bad one or about this situation and every time I think about contacting my mother I wonder if I will end up being abused again, but would it be worth it if it showed my daughter that if I can forgive so can she? I am, so to speak, wringing my mental hands non stop.

My insurance situation changed as well in that I lost half of it and am now responsible for that half myself out of my own pocket. Unfortunately this means I have to only go to the doctor when absolutely required, leaving smaller (but not less important) issues to wait. Like I cannot afford to have my blood drawn now or other similar tests like xrays.

So I am alone. My children are gone. My daughter has left me with a mortal wound and I cannot afford to take care of myself. And I don’t know what hope the future holds.

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