Growing into Me with Bipolar

Feelings? What Feelings?

why cant i feel?  all through EMDR so far i have never once made a connection with emotion appearing and connecting with the issue i was thinking of during the EMDR.  it has always been a very dry, clean, process.  i think of something, we do EMDR, and i come to a new (for me) conclusion, then another and another, until i reel that the issue is resolved, where i dont have any negative or bad feelings when thinking of it.  when i dont feel regret anymore, or revulsion, of hurt or when my body stops being tense or tight or painful.

apparently part of why i sabotage myself has to do with the fact that i dont feel.  i mean, i guess i probably feel somewhere, but its so deep, so removed, mostly i just have only minute and superficial dealings with it.  the kinds of interaction like where you smile when your kid hugs you, or when you see something on a tv show, or look at a birthday or friendship card.  not the deep, real, true feelings.  those kinds of interactions are so buried they are for all intents and purposes, nonexistent.

i guess i am supposed to figure out how to find them.  then find out how to make sense of what i find.  i mean, to me, thats like finding a book in a foreign language or in glyphs and you dont know the topics or where one part ends and another begins.  so supposing i ever find the real emotions, what do i do then?  how do i make it connect with me like it should?  will interpreting these buried emotions really lead to less dissociation?  to less self-sabotage?  will it really help me live, not stagnate?  this seems like a really big job, especially without a map.  i could spend forever looking for them, and still never understand or connect to them.  i am overwhelmed just pondering this new journey.


Comments on: "Feelings? What Feelings?" (2)

  1. Great insight and introspection. I think you are on the verge of a great journey and that can be terrifying, but you do have a tour guide who can help gently guide you along the way. I think the fact that you are so insightful is really exciting!


    • Thanks for that boost! I feel so trapped by my triggers and traumas, it is good to know there may actually be a way out one day. I just wish it would hurry up and get here–I’m pretty tired of being where I am.


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