why cant i feel? all through EMDR so far i have never once made a connection with emotion appearing and connecting with the issue i was thinking of during the EMDR. it has always been a very dry, clean, process. i think of something, we do EMDR, and i come to a new (for me) conclusion, then another and another, until i reel that the issue is resolved, where i dont have any negative or bad feelings when thinking of it. when i dont feel regret anymore, or revulsion, of hurt or when my body stops being tense or tight or painful.
apparently part of why i sabotage myself has to do with the fact that i dont feel. i mean, i guess i probably feel somewhere, but its so deep, so removed, mostly i just have only minute and superficial dealings with it. the kinds of interaction like where you smile when your kid hugs you, or when you see something on a tv show, or look at a birthday or friendship card. not the deep, real, true feelings. those kinds of interactions are so buried they are for all intents and purposes, nonexistent.
i guess i am supposed to figure out how to find them. then find out how to make sense of what i find. i mean, to me, thats like finding a book in a foreign language or in glyphs and you dont know the topics or where one part ends and another begins. so supposing i ever find the real emotions, what do i do then? how do i make it connect with me like it should? will interpreting these buried emotions really lead to less dissociation? to less self-sabotage? will it really help me live, not stagnate? this seems like a really big job, especially without a map. i could spend forever looking for them, and still never understand or connect to them. i am overwhelmed just pondering this new journey.