Growing into Me with Bipolar


this just happened, and this is just exactly what i mean when i say i feel i dont belong, wont ever belong, will never be good enough and cant get better.  so i might as well quit now.  so im taking my support dog, Sunshine, for her morning walk along the outside perimeter of our complex, like i do every morning, when near the end of our walk some asshole sitting on his patio calls out to me that im selfish for allowing my dog to pee in the grass near his patio cause now he has to smell it for days.  so first off, i say, she didnt even pee there.  she already peed earlier, and second, if you dont like it, dont fucking live here.  go somewhere else, asshole.  then he called me a selfish bitch and i ignored him. so its been all of at least 15 min since this happened and i am still shaking.  still feeling like i should have been nice and kind and apologetic.  still feeling glad that i wasnt, that i told him off.  wishing i felt like i believed any of what i said.  cuz now i just feel like this is extra additional proof to my worthlessness, extra validation for how i cant get better, how i will never belong.  and i dont even know this jerk.  at least when my mom screamed these things into my head, it was my mom.  she had some kind of right at least, she knew me.  now strangers are telling what she did.  this only proves my mom was right, random people can tell im guttertrash too.  and they all feel superior to me, enough so they can tell me not to forget what a piece of crap i am, as if i could ever forget.  as if i could forget that every time i try to rise above that and be more i fail and end up back in the gutter.  im so angry and so hurt.  but mostly its because i know its true.  and mostly im angry and hurt at myself, because its my fault im nothing.

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Comments on: "(This is How You Remind Me of) What I Really Am" (2)

  1. I’m really glad you have a support dog. I do too. I think you’ve done really well to recognize that the asshole was triggering you from your mom’s abuse. I know it hurts….

    Like

    • Ya, it did. I’m glad I could see it too–I guess that is some improvement anyway! I think support dogs are great–you’re the first person I’ve met who has/had one other than me:)

      Like

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