Growing into Me with Bipolar

So, I am no longer volunteering at the Shelter, since I seem to be blocking my scheduled days to go there out of my head completely on those days.  So, I can’t seem to make it there, so I didn’t want to let down the animals or the other volunteers by being unable to remember I was supposed to be there.  I heard back from the places I applied for part time work, retail places like Target.  They said they can’t use anyone who can only work 4-6 hours per day.  Bought my son a tank, since he’ll be getting his license in a couple of weeks.  Thought I got a basic old tank…but now the folks I bought it from let it sit with gas in the tank for 2 years.  So, the gas went bad, and the 3rd day I drove it, it quit running cause it plugged up the carb.  The repairs because of them leaving that gas sit in there is more than what I paid them for the car!!  I keep finding out more things about my ex, things that keep astounding me, showing me I never really knew him at all.  That he is incapable of true feelings for others, that he is incapable of truly connecting to others.  I know I am improving in some ways.  I know I am better at being reactive to external triggers.  I know my others have found a new niche inside, and that even Anti-Kitty is adjusting her responses to perceived threats to us.  She is much less intense, and is much less likely to overtake me when upsetting things happen, instead giving me a push, as it were, telling me she’s there, just in case.  So, I’m a lot better able to deal with normal everyday stresses than I have ever been.  So I know there’s been improvement.  But at every turn in therapy, I seem to find a new thing, a new memory, or person, or behavior that overwhelms me, takes me over, and sets me back to when I first found out I was ill, as if there has been all this time pass and I am still in that same place where I started.

I had started to think that maybe I could actually continue to live after my kids graduate in 4 years.  But now I’m back to thinking what I’ve been thinking for the last 6+ yrs….there is no future for me past them.  There is no way I can support myself on disability, and I don’t have much confidence in being able to get any kind of a job after this recent foray into the job market.  Well, that and the fact that I seem to block out work like responsibilities so that I don’t make it there at all.  The only way I would be safe and secure (able to have a secure home and food) is if I get into some kind of group home for the mentally ill with assistance from my clinic, or if I just end it all and quit this pretense at life once and for all.  No matter how much better I get or how much therapy I have, I always end up back where I started—its all my fault.  I made these choices.  It’s the bed I made, now I need to accept it.  I’m just weak, always have been weak.  If I had even once been strong, I would have made the right decisions and I wouldn’t be here where I am now.  I wouldn’t be pretending at living.  I would actually be alive.  And I might even like me.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Tag Cloud

Dearest Someone,

Writing about wellbeing


Keeping positive in a unforgiving world when you are different.

Killing Me Softly: Emotional & Psychological Abuse

Now that physical abuse is in the limelight and punishable by law, abusers have resorted to more insidious forms of control. The effects are just as destructive, more enduring, and more difficult to overcome.

Therapy Bits

Living life with dissociative identity disorder and complex ptsd

Brighton Bipolar

Adult Survivor of Child Abuse and Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder - Working towards ending the stigma of Mental Illness

Seachy Waffles On. A chronic way of life!

The ups and downs of 21st Century life as a disabled dad. This is an honest account of my successes and failures and what I have learnt from them. How my disability has shaped my future, my neverending journey towards acceptance and a little bit of sarcasm and humour along the way. I have been battling Chronic Pain for 14 years and have made small steps towards living life again. I'm not after sympathy or pity, but I hope to encourage others and get a few words of encouragement myself along the way. Life is for living, pain or not make the most of things!

The Rheumatic Roller Coaster

The ups and downs of life with chronic pain, fatigue and depression

Indisposed and Undiagnosed

the invisible illness

All Things Chronic

..Kicking Strokes Ass In Words..

Rambles, verses, poems from a stroke survivor ...


Addiction, Mental Health, Stigma, Spirituality

Things I Learned In Therapy

a blog for posterity.

The Invisible Scar

raising awareness of emotional child abuse, its effects on adult survivors & the power of words on children

Many of us

Living life with dissociative identity disorder and complex PTSD

Precious Things

The path to healing is not a yellow brick road...


Mental Health Awareness


An anxiety and depression blog

The Bipolar Codex

Kate McDonnell: Art, design and bipolar disorder

The Demons Of My Insane Sanity


My Minds Inside, Living with D.I.D

I am a young Female who is diagnosed D.I.D, and PTSD, welcome to my world.

Many of us's blog

Living life with dissociative identity disorder and complex PTSD

My Travels with Depression

A journey through therapy


The immeasurable terrors of her mind...


saving the world, one malady at a time.

Bipolar For Life

Memoirs of a Wounded Healer

Top 10 of Anything and Everything!!!

Animals, Gift Ideas, Travel, Books, Recycling Ideas and Many, Many More

A Canvas Of The Minds

A unique collaboration of different perspectives on mental health and life

%d bloggers like this: