The question is, is it me generating the talking, or is it me replaying my mother talking to me? This particular ‘voice in my head’ is not another alter, thank god! I mean, I don’t know what I’d do if I had an alter that was just like my mother. So, I’m glad its just a ‘voice’ instead. But how do I make it stop? Or better yet, how do I make it say nice, supportive things (like mothers are supposed to do) instead of tearing me down at every junction, reminding me how stupid I am, worthless, incompetent. Even though I have discarded her from my life 4+ years ago, she is still in there, telling me all the reasons I don’t deserve, can’t handle, am too stupid for whatever thing is in the current moment.
After more than a year of therapy working on getting over and dealing with and growing beyond my huge losses 4 years ago, I am finally seeing that I was not the sole person to blame for my marriage falling apart. Nor was my ex’s behavior after it fell apart my responsibility, when he allowed his family to be evicted in the middle of Iowa winter. When he allowed us to be on the street, until we had no choice but to go to my mother. That losing my job because I was unstable at this time, was not my fault. That none of this was solely my fault. Sure, I said and did things I regret, would like to take back. But that doesn’t change that my ex was to blame as well. And so was my mother. So, now that I have finally gotten to the point to be able to see that there is plenty of blame to go around….her voice has come back into my mind, talking along with my internal thoughts, pushing them down and taking over my thinking. Her voice keeps ‘winning’ all the discussions I have inside. There is really not much point in having an internal dialog when her voice is present, as she always beats my own arguments and positions back down into nothingness.
Why, after exiling her from my life these last 4 yrs and managing to exile her from my thoughts enough to start to believe in myself, why is her voice returning? I am now feeling like I am sinking back into the hole it took these years to climb out of. I feel there is no escape from her, she will always be in there tearing me apart and assuring my failures. I need to stop her. Stop her voice. But when she talks she convinces me she is right, and I sadly yield. How can I stop her if I believe what she is saying about me? I want to argue with her, but I know I won’t win. I want to cast her out of my mind, but I know she’ll come right back, weaseling her way through the bars of my consciousness. I try to ignore her, but she never stops. Eventually I break down, and that is the beginning of the end yet again.
I think, if I could rid her voice from my mind, it might actually become a habitable, even enjoyable, space. I think I might be less anxious, less terrified of being judged by others as imperfect, as odd, as unacceptable. I might be able to believe in myself, to try things and do things without being filled with terror. Terror of failure, terror of not being perfect, of being noticed at all. I might be able find the me that never grew, and I might be able to finally grow. Grow into myself. Be the person I should’ve been, or one like her, without being abused and traumatized every moment of every day.
But first, I need to silence her voice. So I can hear my own.