Growing into Me with Bipolar

Holding Pattern


I am in a holding pattern til Monday.  I am ‘holding off’ using my secret weapon.  I am ‘holding off’ feeling depressed and hopeless (although I am pretty sure its still there underneath, seeping through).  I am ‘holding off’ relaxing, enjoying, feeling safe.  I don’t know what will happen and I have no control over it either.  The whole situation with DCSE (child support agency) is still ongoing.  I had thought it would end when April ended.  When I found a way to get through it.  But it didn’t.  DCSE is STILL  refusing to pay me the support my ex has sent in.  5 payments and they won’t give me even 1 of them.  Their entire job mission is to procure the support monies and give them to the custodian of the children.  Yet they continue to accept the payments R (my ex) makes and still won’t send them to me.  They even admitted they made a mistake putting the payments on hold, and they don’t know why it happened.  Now, their excuse is, well, the work order to remove the hold is not a priority–as a matter of fact, it is at the bottom of the list of work orders, so that the ones turned in before it will all be processed first.  So they don’t even have an idea of when they will start paying me the payments R sends them.

My case manager from my mental health clinic is going to do a conference call with me and them Monday, to see if we can get the work order expedited.  If that doesn’t work, we are going straight downtown to the main DCSE office immediately, and R agreed to meet us there as well (so they cant use the excuse that it concerns his information and thus they can’t speak with me about it).  He wants this solved, because he pays his payments and wants them to get to us.  And he doesn’t want to have to pay them and then turn around and pay us also, since we don’t get the payments.  And he doesn’t want his kids to lose power, food, transportation, plus the little things like tv and phone and internet.

So, here I am all this week, waiting….’holding off’ on bad feelings,  ‘holding off’ on good feelings, ‘holding off’ on paying bills (because I only have a little money and have to choose carefully which ones get paid in case I don’t get any money from DCSE or any cash from R.).  So I’m waiting to exhale, so to speak….Waiting to see what Monday brings.  Will it bring a resolution where DCSE admits this is an urgent issue and should/will be handled right away, giving us a hard date as to when we should see a payment?  Or will it bring more of the same of what they have already done….more excuses, no information, no satisfactory resolution, leaving me and my kids in fear of not eating or of not having any power or transportation for an indeterminate amount of time….Again?

I am in a ‘holding pattern’ of not looking forward to it being resolved, so part of me doesn’t want to go there for fear my hopes will be dashed (yet again).  I am in a ‘holding pattern’ of wanting it over with because I can’t stand the not knowing, the wondering, the waiting….so I want to have it done already so I know how I should feel, so I know what I should do, what the situation is.  Finding out is terrifying; not finding out is terrifying;  the thought of even having my hopes dashed again is almost as terrifying as if that is what happens.  I can’t stand this anymore.  I can’t live like this anymore.  And since it is not in my power to change it, there is only one thing I can change.  But I have to wait until after the meeting Monday.  So, I continue in my ‘holding pattern’.

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  1. (((safe)))

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