Growing into Me with Bipolar

Well after my last post, I got a little bit un-paralyzed, and did lots of the business-type stuff that moving always brings.  So, I transferred some funds, I got a money order for rent for the end of this month on the new place.  I had my satellite and phone and internet all set up to be moved.   I reserved a moving truck.  Still need the letter for my dog.  Did call my clinic and left a message with my case manager about it, but she didn’t call me back.  Then everything was finally too heavy, too much.  I exploded.  I wanted to switch to a different provider for cable, internet, and phone, one that I used to use but couldn’t at my current place.  After going all through it, they say according to their information, I am required to pay $75 deposit before they will even agree to schedule an installation date.  They want it RIGHT NOW.  If I don’t pay RIGHT NOW, then I don’t get service.  They refuse to bill it on the first bill, or bill it separately after scheduling a date.  They say I don’t have good enough credit, that is why I have to pay a deposit.  But I have not been late AT ALL  to any of my debtors in 5 years.  One of them was this same company!!!  I was with them for 4 of the last 5 years, and never paid late or had issues with equipment.  I have good to very good credit–good enough that I was given ‘OAC” status by my new landlord, ie, I was given ‘on approved credit’ so I don’t have to pay full deposit, and some fees were waived.

When I first came here 5 yrs ago, I did not have any work or income history for 3 yrs, and had just then started getting SSDI checks of less than $1ooo/mo.  My electric company didn’t need a deposit then.  My current phone and internet and satellite companies didn’t charge me a deposit a year ago when I opened accounts with them.  I was able to get my first apartment ‘OAC’.  So, why all of a sudden, does the Cable company that I was with for 4 of the last 5 years, suddenly demand a deposit?  I mean, really, if no one asked for one 5 yrs ago (when I had no history of anything and almost no income), why NOW?  I have doubled my income since then, I have developed a payment history with all my debtors, including them, I have decent credit….why would they just now decide, when no other debtor has, that I am suddenly such a risk that I need to give them money before they will even consider doing business with me??  Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t businesses supposed to respect, appreciate and welcome return or new customers?  Aren’t businesses supposed to avoid doing things that make it impossible for a customer to do business with them?  What kind of business treats return and new customers so shabbily, like getting their business means so little to them that they just treat them like shit and expect the customer to take it and then continue to purchase more product?  None of it makes sense to me, none of it.

I don’t understand why they are just now deciding that I am so worthless of a customer that they don’t care if they get my business, if I am happy with them, or if I write an op/ed piece about them in the local paper.  What has changed that when it would have made sense to charge me a deposit in the past when I had no income or history of income or payments, and didn’t get asked for a deposit, but now, when I have such a good history and solid income, they are effectively raping me, when it doesn’t even make sense at this time?  I got so upset when they demanded money before providing any services.  I mean, I kept it together, I stayed cool and even and didn’t even cuss or say anything nasty and hateful (which I would have done just a few months ago!).  As soon as I clicked the phone off, I hurled it across the room, I took the pen in my hand and ripped every piece of paper in the notebook I was using and threw it across the room too.  And during this quick and brightly burning explosion I was gutterally growling.  Then the tears started falling and I couldn’t stop them.  I hate that they made me feel so worthless, insignificant.  I hate that they created a situation where the only option is to allow myself to be raped just to get what I want.  I hate that they pushed me into such a powerless position where I feel so impotent and frustrated.

I am calmer now, just by a bit.  I can hold the tears in, and I am not growling anymore.  But I am disgusted with their behavior, and I am sorely disappointed that I have to choose a less good option and stay with the other companies I have right now.  Sure, they do the same job, provide the same products, but they just are not as good as the Cable company I wanted to return to.   But I’m not gonna be abused just to have the chance to pay for their services.  I hate this,  I hate them, I hate how it makes me feel, and I hate that either way, they win.  Either I forget them and go with a less good option, or I bend over to be abused just for the privilege of paying them even more for their services.  I hate this.  They shouldn’t win either way.  And either way, I lose, and feel like a little child who can’t play evenly, who is getting punished for it.  I feel like I did as a child, when my mom rigged all the rules, so that I never won and always lost, and then got punished for not winning.  I hate that I believed that real life would be better than what I had as a kid with my mom;  I believed it would be more fair, not inherently biased against me.  And then I keep running into things like this, a company that wants to abuse you and then expects you to stay with them.  I know the world isn’t fair.  I’m not asking for ‘fair’.  I am just asking for less rigged against me, for less abuse, and for a better chance to win sometimes.  But, the older I get the game is often still rigged, and I still have to take abuse and turn around and say ‘thank you’ for it.  I just am so tired of it;  I thought I would get away from it when I left home, when I cut my mother out of my life.  But I was wrong.  And that makes me so so sad.


Comments on: "From Paralyzed to Devastated in One Day" (3)

  1. These “little” things (such as essentially being told you are not responsible enough to get cable without a deposit) are insulting to our character. I think you, like me, have worked really hard to sustain your respectability during difficult mental health times, and now that we are fully grown, and still struggling, sometimes you just want to have someone give you a break! Life is continually unfair and illogical, and when my emotional state is on edge, I find I become even more sensitive to the sorts of things you are going through. For what it is worth, know that it is okay to be angry and let it out! The main thing I want for you is that your beloved dog can go with you…


    • yes you hit the nail on the head when you said, ‘ when my emotional state is on edge, i become even more sensitive…’ this thing with the cable deposit would not have upset me nearly as much were i not in the middle of the stress of moving–ie money issues, packing, chaos, etc. and thank you for telling me i am allowed to be angry about it! i never feel that i am allowed to be angry. i still get angry, but i beat myself up for it during and after. and i think i will be getting my letter by next tuesday for the dog. i will be so relieved when i have that!


  2. Oh wow, that is enough to put anybody over the edge, and especially when it triggered the whole dynamic of your mother’s power-plays, and these shit head people fucking with you just when you DON’T need it….grrrrrr, I am growling with you!!!

    On a practical note, since you have been with this company for such a long time, every company nowadays has a “retention specialist” whose job it is to keep you from switching to another service provider. I know you don’t really want to switch, but they don’t have to know that. So call them up, tell them you want to speak with the retention specialist, explain that the $75 fee is going to make the difference between your staying with them or your leaving after 5 years of no problems, and see what happens. Let me know.


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