All my life I have been fighting the world to get what I thought I needed. Nothing has ever come easy. Since 1999 I have been fighting the mental healthcare establishment to get the ‘right’ treatment, to get what I believed I needed at the time, to get the best meds or the best treatment or the best therapy. And over all those years, I was finally feeling I had won, that I had finally gotten everything I needed.
But then, the way my state handles Medicare mental health provision just changed, and I will very possibly be losing my Primary Care doc, as well as my specialists and forced to start over with unknowns yet again. In addition to this (as if that wasn’t stressful enough) I am being pressured to change my psych meds, the same meds that got me to this point of actually starting to make progress on my issues and change my behaviors. Before these meds, back in 2008, I had over 2 dozen serious attempts. I can’t imagine changing these meds, for the risk of going back to the place where all I wished for with every waking breath was that my next breath would be my last. I can’t even conceive of changing these meds and taking the chance of re-entering that hell. I don’t even care what physical issues I develop by staying on these meds. I don’t care if my kidney problems develop into full kidney failure, or if my potassium goes so high that I might have an asymptomatic massive heart attack and die, or that my EKG will change even more and maybe cause fainting or sudden death. I don’t care if I am risking these things. I want to be in my right mind, clear headed, coherent, and stable emotionally. I don’t want to live with no physical illness or symptoms for forever if it means there is even a possibility that I will not be in my right mind, that I will be confused, disjointed, slow, fuzzy. What is the point in living forever if you don’t have your mind? Can’t they understand that I will risk all those dangers caused by the meds if it means I will keep my senses, even if my life is foreshortened?
I think I am tired of fighting all this time. I think I will at long last yield and drop my gauntlet. I will become the sheep that all mental health providers dream of making each client into. The sheep who has no complaints about meds, services, therapies or providers. The sheep who says and does exactly what is suggested by the provider. Change meds? You bet. Baa. Change providers? Sure. Baa. Jump off a bridge? Absolutely! BAAA! No longer have any ideas of what is wrong or what I need or what would be best? Guaranteed. BAAA! From now on, I will a passive, calm, agreeable sheep and do what I’m told.