Growing into Me with Bipolar


All my life I have been fighting the world to get what I thought I needed.  Nothing has ever come easy.  Since 1999 I have been fighting the mental healthcare establishment to get the ‘right’ treatment, to get what I believed I needed at the time, to get the best meds or the best treatment or the best therapy.  And over all those years, I was finally feeling I had won, that I had finally gotten everything I needed.

But then, the way my state handles Medicare mental health provision just changed, and I will very possibly be losing my Primary Care doc, as well as my specialists and forced to start over with unknowns yet again.  In addition to this (as if that wasn’t stressful enough) I am being pressured to change my psych meds, the same meds that got me to this point of actually starting to make progress on my issues and change my behaviors.  Before these meds, back in 2008, I had over 2 dozen serious attempts.  I can’t imagine changing these meds, for the risk of going back to the place where all I wished for with every waking breath was that my next breath would be my last.  I can’t even conceive of changing these meds and taking the chance of re-entering that hell.  I don’t even care what physical issues I develop by staying on these meds.  I don’t care if my kidney problems develop into full kidney failure, or if my potassium goes so high that I might have an asymptomatic massive heart attack and die, or that my EKG will change even more and maybe cause fainting or sudden death.  I don’t care if I am risking these things.  I want to be in my right mind, clear headed, coherent, and stable emotionally.  I don’t want to live with no physical illness or symptoms for forever if it means there is even a possibility that I will not be in my right mind, that I will be confused, disjointed, slow, fuzzy.  What is the point in living forever if you don’t have your mind?  Can’t they understand that I will risk all those dangers caused by the meds if it means I will keep my senses, even if my life is foreshortened?

I think I am tired of fighting all this time.  I think I will at long last yield and drop my gauntlet.  I will become the sheep that all mental health providers dream of making each client into.  The sheep who has no complaints about meds, services, therapies or providers.  The sheep who says and does exactly what is suggested by the provider.  Change meds?  You bet.  Baa.  Change providers?  Sure.  Baa.  Jump off a bridge?  Absolutely!  BAAA!  No longer have any ideas of what is wrong or what I need or what would be best?  Guaranteed.  BAAA!  From now on, I will a passive, calm, agreeable sheep and do what I’m told.

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Comments on: "On Being the ‘Nice Sheep’ from now on" (10)

  1. Am hoping you *don’t* get so exhausted by all this, that you become a passive “sheep”, though can understand how hard it is to keep fighting.

    Am thinking of you.

    x

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    • unfortunately i think i am already past that threshold for exhaustion. i think they prefer calm, agreeable sheep rather than independent-minded individuals. it just makes life so much easier.

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  2. My sweet *ss you will, after a lifetime of fighting for a **decent** life. There’s about as much “baa” in you as there is in a tiger protecting her cubs. I’m so so sorry that the damn government, which has us by the gonads, is once again f*cking with what you have worked SO hard to build: a life that is actually possible to LIVE, for however long that may be.

    I say that because my kidneys are also beginning to misbehave because of the essential element Lithium. Anyone who tries to take it away from me will have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.

    How can they look at your history, as you have written it here, and even THINK of changing one tiny thing, now that you are FINALLY stable????

    Grrrrr, all I can think of now is this scheme I have in the back of my mind to start a completely maverick medical clinic, no insurance accepted, love donations only, lots and lots of free samples courtesy of Big Pharma, and specializing in Listening To People. I don’t know how long it would take for them to shut me down, but it sure would be satisfying in the meantime.

    Sending lots of love and hugs, friend Kat, and as my dear sainted Pathology professor said at our medical school graduation: “Iligitimati non carborundum.” DON’T LET THE BASTARDS GRIND YOU DOWN!

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    • well, yes, of course i agree. how can they look at our chart, at our history, and not see how much better we are and have been since starting on the lithium and seroquel. but that is the point. they don’t look that far back. they don’t read the story and see what is effective. they see signs of illness, symptoms happening now and want to treat those without looking to the past. kind of like continuing to give someone penecillins even after it was noted they are allergic 5 yrs ago. they should know not to give it, but they don’t consider the past, the whole story, and they just want to treat the present symptom without that, and instead you keep making the patient more ill, over and over. and they don’t listen to what the patient says either-that they are allergic, because they are the doc and they know best and patient input is irrelevant (especially when we are dealing with mental health). cuz, we are unreliable sources cuz we are obviously already crazy since we have a mental illness.

      so, im getting my ‘baa’ on, cuz im tired of fighting such futile battles, that stress me out, get me angry, get me depressed and usually takes a long time to get what im fighting for. so i thought if i just stop fighting life will be less difficult, less unstable, less labile.

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  3. I am so sorry Kat. This news is not good. I wish that your state didnt do this, it sucks so much. Sending you lots of healing hugs, XX

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  4. So sorry you go through all of this 😦 makes us sad and angry, but we believe in you.

    We are thinking of you.
    *sending you positive vibes, hugs and thoughts if wanted*

    X

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  5. We nominated you for the brave heart award! check out our blog for details xxx

    Stand Strong You Are Not Alone
    I call you a survivor, because that is what you are.
    There are days when you don’t feel like a survivor and there are days when the memories trigger your past and it feels like you are loosing the fight – but you are not. Take the past and heal with it. You are strong. I want you to know that the abuse was not your fault. It does not matter what age it happened. You did not deserve it, you did not cause it, and you did not bring it on yourself. You own no shame, guilt, or remorse.
    In your life, you have faced many demons but look around you and you will see there is hope, and there is beauty. You are beautiful, You are loved, there is hope. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect. You deserve peace and joy in your life. Don’t settle for anything less than that. God has plans for you. Your future does not have to be dictated by your past.

    Each step you take you are not alone.
    Stand Strong.

    Like

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