So, okay. I’ve been bitchin and moanin, and not doing anything to change it. And I can now–do something that is. For a long time, I was unable to do anything, but thanks to my great therapist A, I actually can change how I see things and how I respond to them. And I also realized that my biggest trouble, the reason behind my triggers, is that I interpret things around me as a child would, and my behavior is based on that perception. So, now, I see that I can start to understand things around me from an adult point of view instead, and that then, my behaviors will change. And that doing this will free me from my triggers, my trauma.
This in a way goes along with my post on being a Sheep. But while that post was bitter and hurt, I am now looking at it not as a child, but an adult. So, I am not being forced or coerced to be a sheep. Instead, I am going to allow medical docs’ recommendations to not only be heard, but to be applied. So, if my doc thinks it is a better thing to change meds, I will give it a shot instead of becoming adversarial about it. And if they think going to recreational groups and some therapeutic groups would be good for me, I am going to give it the old college try. They may still be mistaken, but I will at least find out instead of being a child in a tantrum, denying anyone else can have anything useful to offer.
So, I am going to start going to at least one group at my clinic a week. And I am going to allow them to guide me to different meds. And I am going to lose all the weight I have gained when I started on lithium 6 yrs ago. Maybe it will all be for naught after all, but maybe something will be helpful. But continuing on as a child will never change anything, so I have to start somewhere.
I have to say, I am excited and scared to death to start this part of my journey. There are no parts of me, or my experience, or my knowledge that has any clue about how to be an adult. What do ‘adults’ think like? What do they see? How do they interpret? What is it like to be an adult in one’s own life? But in the past, I’ve always winged it when encountering something new, and all of me always figured it out, sooner or later. So, I guess that’s just what we’ll do now.