Growing into Me with Bipolar

Safe


What is it to be ‘safe’?  For me, it is complex, that’s what it is.  It means knowing I have a roof over my head from month to month.  It means knowing I have (any) transportation to get where I need to go.  It means knowing I have enough food for the month.  And just maybe, if I’m lucky, it means having TV and internet, and maybe phone.  It means not being hurt by someone, by anyone, by any situation or encounter or environment.  basic be safe

Jeez, I guess I ask for a lot.  I don’t think I have ever felt ‘safe’ in all those areas, ever, once in my life.  I have always been on the run, fleeing from one ‘unsafe’ to the next, promised ‘safe’, only to find that it was also ‘unsafe’ in some way.  What I really want is just once, once, to be ‘safe’ about everything.  I feel like I have put in twice my number of years trying to find ‘safe’ while everyone else seems to put in half the amount of time and effort and they actually manage to achieve it.  I am still looking for it.  I am still running scared.  And I’m getting older.  And tireder.  And slower.  And don’t feel like playing this game anymore.  I don’t feel like searching and running anymore.  I want to rest.  I want to sleep.  I want to have something worth having.  A reason to stay.  To wake up every day.  Let-me-take-you-someplace-Kate-Someplace-you-ll-be-Safe-caskett-32437245-500-700

I actually had a therapist to whom I confided that I felt I ran twice as far, twice as fast with twice the effort and ended up treading water, compared to other people.  He agreed.  He said it was true.  He said those of us with PTSD, with BiPolar, with Trauma and Depression, have that as a common experience.  That it takes a lot to make it all pay off.  He wasn’t even able to assure me that all that work would ever pay off.  That I would ever find that elusive ‘safe’.

Does it even exist for us?  for me?  blue confused emoticonbe-safe rain clouds

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Comments on: "Safe" (4)

  1. I can relate to so much of what you’re going through. I too was diagnosed with PTSD and, as you know, have bipolar disorder. It took many years of therapy, but I was able to feel safer with time. I still have a horrible fear of knives, though. I hope along your journey you will be able to feel safe. I’ll be rooting for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Kat, I hear you. I’m sorry you have to work harder than everyone else around you. I think your therapist was right, it is true that us trauma survivors have to tread water and work twice as hard as those who have no trauma in their lives. I am sending you hugs. Xo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ah, how I relate to this post……unfortunately for both of us………at least, Kat, at the very least you should not have to worry about having a roof over your head, enough to eat, and safety……so many things seem to be out of our reach. Safe people, safe places to live, safe transportation, safety from toxic relationships, safety from all the stuff we don’t even know about. I bless us all, and bless me back, that we should feel safe and secure, and have the resources we need for health and healing.

    Like

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