Growing into Me with Bipolar

This is Where I Am


OK, I’m being totally honest, no cute phrasing, no beating about the bush.

I desperately want to call crisis and have them come and have them decide i need to be in the hospital.

I desperately want to call the national suicide lifeline, but they will transfer me to the local crisis line mentioned above.

i want to have live chat room with others feeling suicidal.

i want to have live chat with someone who will send help who will decide i need to go to the hospital.

i want to drive to the hospital.

i want to take all my pills.  my daughter is upstairs with her boyfriend for the night. my son is working for another 2 hours. i will probably be found soon enough.

i want to take my pills and tell no one.  go somewhere away from home where i won’t be found.

i want to get help from the clinic, tell them all this.

i don’t ever want any help again, from anyone. especially my clinic.

i want out of this. i am trying to hold on. but my fingers are almost slipping off the rope im hanging from. i cant hang on much longer. i want to have something to keep hanging on for.

i want to just let go, finally.

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Comments on: "This is Where I Am" (15)

  1. Liking to show my support. I’m so sorry things are so rough for you. I wish I could give you a hug for real. But I send virtual hugs, keep trying to hold on, I know how hard it can be, but you deserve a good life, xx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. sending you hugs aswell. we definitely hear you. xxx

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Love,
    Kate

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I understand this so well. I’m in basically the same place, so I don’t have any good advice on sorting out all the ambivalence…but I just wanted you to know you’re not alone in feeling this way. If you ever want someone to talk to, I basically live in front of my computer.

    Liked by 2 people

    • huuh, i live in front of mine too.

      thanks for the comment, it is really good (and you have no idea how good) to know i am not alone, altho i am sorry for anyone else to be in this awful place.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Hi Kat… how are you feeling today?

    Liked by 2 people

    • i just got up, just checking emails and doing morning routine—yknow, taking care of cat, taking pills, making coffee. we’ll see how i feel in a couple three more hours.

      thanks for asking. thanks for caring. i will give you update, because you make me feel important enough. thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you for letting me know and please keep me updated

        Liked by 1 person

        • well, in case i didn’t post on this, i am not talking to my kids just so i won’t argue with them anymore. i mean, i answer questions, i say hi and bye, but i pretty much don’t talk and neither do they. talking leads to fighting and me feeling so bad and crying. kids don’t seem to care, just keep doing it. tried making rules so there would be no arguments, but then it was just as bad. so now, no talking. they both are gone now.

          Like

          • That’s difficult. Sometimes there’s no winning with ‘kids’. Are they teenagers?

            Liked by 1 person

            • lol–how did you know! son turns 18 end of december. daughter just turned 16. they are old enough by law to be alone in home without adult, except when i went in hospital, she od’d on her meds (just a bit, gesture) so now she is NOT legally allowed to be without adult in home. so now, i don’t have option of hospital, because she would end up with CPS putting her in foster care. and that cannot happen.

              really, i just don’t see why my doc at the clinic won’t put me back on the lithium i was stable on for 7 yrs. she pressured me into changing to depakote, then hospital said it was not working, changed me to tegretol. it is not working very well either, but i am at bottom of the level…and doc at clinic won’t do labs to see if she can increase dose to see if i get more stable. so i don’t even know if tegretol will work. i just want back on lithium. it worked so well i don’t see why clinic doc even changed it. then i would be fine again.

              Like

            • Lol, yer, I guessed they were teenagers… the behaviour says it all!!
              Meds and the conflict of opinion with docs are infuriating. I take Seroquel, but have had to reduce it recently due to a small heart issue. I won’t allow them to bully me and insist reducing on my own terms. Sometimes it feels like the meds give them too much control and that pisses me off.
              I’m off to bed soon I hope the rest of your day goes okay.

              Liked by 1 person

  6. have a good sleep. i will still update when/if anything changes. thanks for giving me that, giving me someone to update to, who didn’t have to, who wants to. means a lot.

    Like

  7. Having been where you are, how you are feeling..i would give anything to be able to change things for you. It’s so awful going through times like these and i don’t think people can ever truly understand unless they’ve been there themselves. I can’t read all your comment on your children, it’s not showing up properly for some reason, but as someone who has lived with three teenagers i can tell you that it all changes when they mature and it does get better.
    I know we don’t know each other very well but please feel free to email if you ever want to talk, no pressure, it’s only if you ever want too. Sending you lots of support x

    Liked by 1 person

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