Growing into Me with Bipolar

Putting on the Mask

why can’t anyone give me love?  compassion?  unconditional support?  Why can’t anyone see me where I am and give me empathy?  tell me I’ve been given a raw deal?  Tell me that it stinks what’s happened and still happening to me?  Tell me they will hear me, will listen and understand where I am, and how I’m trapped.  And how I desperately want out.  How I want it to change.  How I am tired of not having anything left for me, nothing left to heal myself at the end of the day, but I’m supposed to wake up and give everything to everyone everyday like I’m not spent, not torn so raw I cannot stop bleeding.  But you and you and you keep pulling on me, pulling me down, ripping me into more pieces, using me up.

I am nothing but a shell, a husk.  I am empty inside and bloody, and am already dead, except for you I have to keep getting up, keep giving more, hiding my wounds, asking for nought, pleasing you at your convenience.  And when you are gone, I collapse again.  Never enough time to heal, still ripped to shreds, no one inside anymore except what you demand, what you expect, what I cannot ever stop doing.  Making you believe I have ever ending strength and will never tire and will never need any help to heal, to get filled up again, to be alive again and give love without damage to myself.

But you won’t even listen when I tell you how empty I am, how torn and beaten my body is.  How I need help to heal.  How hoping for it to be healed is not enough.  How I need time, how I need to be more than a giver.  How I need to give to myself, but never can, because its all used up for you, and you and you and you.  And you just won’t quit taking, and you won’t ever give.

So, I’ll do what you want.  What I’ve always done.  I’ll pretend I am full of energy, full of life, and devote all of it to you.  And I’ll wear myself out, and be torn to bits, fall to the ground and wait til I stop bleeding.  Then I’ll put on my mask, and pretend I have more to give, devote only to you, ask nothing for myself, be invisible but serve you always in the background.  And I’ll do it all again, day after day, until I can no longer rise, until I am useless, until I can no longer pretend, no longer wear the mask, and you will have to see how my wounds and how my needs have never been met, how I have never been cared for, allowed to heal.  And then it will be too late.


Comments on: "Putting on the Mask" (10)

  1. I hear you. I’m sorry you’re in such a painful place, having to live up to so many expectations without getting the help, support, or compassion you need to get by. It’s not right, and you deserve much, much better. I would make it better for you if I could.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I wish I could offer you more consolation than to say that I know how you feel. I’d like to help you find a way through your emptiness and pain but still wading through those emotions myself, I’m just not sure what can help heal them.

      I want you to know that despite what those around you seem to be perpetuating – YOU MATTER. It’s not fair for you to have to face your feelings of pain, despair and hopelessness alone and I wish you had more love in your life and more people willing to give as much as they take.

      I hope that one day you can see that you deserve not to be torn to shreds; that the people who do that to you don’t deserve you and that they have no right ignoring the hell you go through battling your inner demons just to help them to smile.

      Please know that you do not deserve to suffer emotionally for the sake of another, you have a right to peace and happiness and I so hope that you find it.

      If there is ever anything I can do to help you feel even the smallest fraction of love and support, please let me know.

      Aimee x

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Kat,

    so sorry you’ve been abandoned and left to deal with so much on your own.

    just wish there was a way I could help, practically. this is not your fault, and just hope you can find a way to get out of this place you’re stuck in.


    Liked by 2 people

  3. and so i am beginning today, smiling and generous, giving all my attention and love back to you, no matter what happens inside. i am the good little girl after all. impossible to escape it.


  4. You are not alone in the blog world. You touch so many. You give so much, so much truth, so much honesty, so much raw courage. I am here. I so much love being your friend. Feel free to email if you ever want to contact me.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


    Liked by 3 people

  5. I am so sorry and so wish there was a way i could help you. You don’t deserve to feel so low, you are such a lovely, compassionate person, you deserve so so much more! here and listening my friend x

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Sending you much peace.

    Liked by 1 person

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