Growing into Me with Bipolar

So, I have been feeling a lot better this week.  And it is strange.  I am intrigued by it.  I still have all the same problems and issues.  I am still not able to pay all my bills.  I can’t drive my car cause I don’t have any gas money.  I’m taking the bus.  I’m still not getting child support.

But, it just isn’t bothering me.  It’s weird.  It’s like, it isn’t my problem, like I’m hearing someone else tell me their problems and I feel a little bit of empathy for them, and then I go back to not thinking about it.  I remember my problems randomly throughout the day, and then they just go away.  And I am not getting all anxious when I think of it, or depressed.  I kinda feel like I am out of touch with reality–because I should be feeling worried, anxious, stressed, scared about my problems.  I feel like ‘me’, the ‘real me’ is just sitting inside watching my body with someone else dealing with all the issues, like I am watching a video of me, my body, not being worried, but I am inside, viewing.

I don’t think I quite know how to feel ‘positive’, to feel ‘happy’, if this is ‘happy’.  Is this happy?  I’m not sure. I’ve been depressed and suicidal for so long, I don’t think I even know what happy feels like, or how to act. But, I’m gonna try just to go with it, go with the feeling, and not look for a reason to be down again.

Maybe I’ll even learn to ‘feel’ happy.  And maybe it will even become ‘normal’.  Whatever it is, I’m giving it a shot.What decisions can you make to change your future?


Comments on: "Feeling Good Feels Like Being Someone Else" (7)

  1. Good for you… The truth is we DON’T know what “normal” feels like. And maybe that’s why it is so hard to get there. We’re not sure how to recognize it when it hits. The best we can do is what I believe you are doing. Focusing on what is making you feel better and more at peace. You deserve this and I hope that in time it does begin to feel normal 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hi Kat… I have felt exactly like this whenever ‘m emerging from a bad bout of depression. I have no idea what real happiness is either. That feels a bit like asking a colour blind person to describe the colour red. Can we learn to be happy? I bet we can!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Wow, I felt like I was reading my own feelings. Can feeling OK be real? I walk around suspicious of when the black cloud will descend again, or maybe the ground will open in front of me and I will fall into the pit. After arguing with myself back and forth for a while, I decided the best course of action would be to just enjoy the feeling while it’s here, and push away the doubts and what I have come to call, for myself ONLY, my tendency toward a “bad attitude.” What that means is that every time I start feeling good, all I ever do is wait for the other shoe to drop. So I’m working on changing my attitude to “wow, this is amazing. Hope it lasts for the rest of my life!”

    Liked by 1 person

    • i feel dissociated. i feel like it is not really me feeling ‘ok’. like it is unreal. but am trying not to question it, just go with it. let’s hope us both change our attitude and hope it lasts forever!


      • Not hypomanic, is it? I always worry about that. Dissociated….I can certainly relate to that 😦


        • maybe a bit hypomanic, or, its what other people call ‘feeling good’ (as in normal state of mind for others). can’t really tell, because i’m not used to anything above slightly depressed. that’s why it doesn’t feel real, doesn’t feel like it’s me….feels like maybe i am dissociated and not relating to it at all, just watching it happen on the outside. and i am just feeling nothing. just there, watching.


  4. Just reading this post now Kat. Its been sitting in my inbox for a while. I hope your still feeling ok or as ok as you can be feeling given everything you have going on at the moment. Sending you hugs and support and love too ❤ xoxo


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