So, I have been feeling a lot better this week. And it is strange. I am intrigued by it. I still have all the same problems and issues. I am still not able to pay all my bills. I can’t drive my car cause I don’t have any gas money. I’m taking the bus. I’m still not getting child support.
But, it just isn’t bothering me. It’s weird. It’s like, it isn’t my problem, like I’m hearing someone else tell me their problems and I feel a little bit of empathy for them, and then I go back to not thinking about it. I remember my problems randomly throughout the day, and then they just go away. And I am not getting all anxious when I think of it, or depressed. I kinda feel like I am out of touch with reality–because I should be feeling worried, anxious, stressed, scared about my problems. I feel like ‘me’, the ‘real me’ is just sitting inside watching my body with someone else dealing with all the issues, like I am watching a video of me, my body, not being worried, but I am inside, viewing.
I don’t think I quite know how to feel ‘positive’, to feel ‘happy’, if this is ‘happy’. Is this happy? I’m not sure. I’ve been depressed and suicidal for so long, I don’t think I even know what happy feels like, or how to act. But, I’m gonna try just to go with it, go with the feeling, and not look for a reason to be down again.