Growing into Me with Bipolar

I Am Nobody


I was taught from a very young age to know that I am nobody.  To know that I deserve nothing.  That I don’t have the right to be happy.  That I don’t have the right to ask for anything from anyone anytime ever.

After lots of years of therapy and time away from my mom, I was starting to feel like I had a right to be happy.  To ask for the things I need, not just to be happy, but to be human.  Not be nobody.

And you all know how well that worked out with my last team at my clinic, with that Doc that wouldn’t do anything to me.

And you might know I have since switched to a new team, that I have been singing praises of, because they seemed so warm, so caring, so wanting to know if I had what I needed, if there was anything they could do.  And I believed them.  Because them seemed so different.  So kind.  Because they weren’t treating me like nobody anymore.  And I trusted them.

And I decided with this newfound trust and newfound feeling of being cared for, that I would start to join some groups at the clinic.  I decided to go bowling on Mondays, and volunteering at an Animal Shelter Mondays, with people from the clinic.  And today was supposed to be my first day volunteering at the clinic, but no one there, and I asked 2 people, 2 times to make transportation arrangements for me, bothered to do it.  So I sat outside my apartment waiting.  waiting for a ride to a shelter that would never come.  When the time was too late for a ride to get me there on time, I called the clinic to check on my ride.  There was no ride.  No one bothered to make one.  No one bothered about me.  No one cares, not even on this new team.

They lied.  They lied to me.  They told me they cared, they would follow thru, they would help me meet my needs.  That I didn’t have to worry about everything.  That they would do it.  That I didn’t have to take everything on myself and follow thru all by myself anymore.  But they forgot me.  They left me. They didn’t care about me.  Then I called the clinic to find out why this happened.  My case manager assured me he would get me there by a ride before 1:45 when the group officially starts volunteering at the shelter.  But the late called cab never showed until 1:45, so now there is no point in taking the cab, because I have no missed the first half of the 2 hr group.  It is a waste now.  It is too late now.

So I, nobody, called to let them know the cab they finally called came to late for me to go, so I am let down, incredibly let down.  I have been looking forward to this for over a week, believing that I didn’t have to be in charge of all the details, that I could trust them to handle those for me.  But they have just let me down yet again.  And now there is no point at all.  I can’t trust them for anything.

And its not just that.  I called back to my Case Manager again, because I have asked him twice to find out hot to switch from tegretol to lithium like my doctor ordered, but he never called.  i asked him twice to find out when i should see the doc after i get labs done after the switch cause the schedule appointment with the doc is one month away, and that is too long after switching to lithium to wait to see if it is too high or not high enough and needs changed.  but he never called. he said he would call back.  he said he would tell me what he found out.  both time I called he said that.  Both times, he failed to do that.  And now I am still not on lithium.  I still don’t have a soon enough follow up appointment and I still didn’t get to go to the animal shelter volunteer group.  He has broken all his promises.  He has fucked everything up.  He is a fuckup.  He can’t do one damn single thing I ask.  I have been waiting almost 2 weeks, and now I am bawling my eyes out, so mad I can’t even talk, spitting my words out thru my tears, and feeling so invisible, so non existent, so unworthy, that nothing is worth asking about anymore because now I know my place in the new team is the same as it was in the old team.  Nothing.

I am nobody.  I was always nobody.  I will always be nobody.  I will always be like I am now.  I will always struggle.  I will always wish I was just dead, because I’ve never mattered. Nothing will ever change, because I am nothing.  I am nobody.

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Comments on: "I Am Nobody" (19)

  1. You`re not a nobody, but am so sorry you`ve been made to feel that you are again, Kat.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Kat, I am so sorry you’re having these awful disappointments. I (as always 😛 ) ) have some things to say about that.

    1. You’re SOMEBODY. I don’t think I would have had the guts to pick up the phone and call my case manager. I would just shrink up into a corner. Likewise calling about the cab, the appointment, all these things. You are MUCH braver than I. That proves you’re a person 😉 Even without being courageous, I happen to know, from being bloggie friends for a couple of years now, that you are a deep, sensitive, compassionate person. You are a good friend. You CARE.

    2. Turn the mirror around. Could it be that there are more assholes in the world than there are good, honest people??? Maybe it’s not YOU who’s nothing, maybe it’s THEM who are too lazy to do their jobs. Or maybe they are too stupid. Whatever, It’s not you who are nobody. I think it’s THEM who TREAT you like a nobody, because they treat every client that way because they frankly don’t give a shit. And I say that from bitter experience, having to ride herd on every single f*cking thing in this universe if it’s going to get done. No, I cannot expect people to follow up on their word, because it might be a nice day and they suddenly are not at their desk. OK, I will shut up now.

    Liked by 2 people

    • ye, but the whole world can’t be wrong…so it must be me…it must be me that is the nobody.

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      • Kat, you are stuck on that. Is there something you can do to distract your thoughts for a while till you get back in balance?

        Liked by 1 person

        • i cant even quit crying, and its been 2.5 hrs. im just outright bawling. at 3.30 they said someone was coming to check on me, my case manager. but then he called 5 min later. then i got so upset with him for focusing on the group transportation, not on the things i have asked twice about and never gotten a return call…switching my meds and getting a sooner appointment.

          then i got a call from a different case manager and called him back. he didn’t know who i was. he thought he had called my therapist, and didnt really want to talk to me at all. but he did anyway. promised to get the answers. promised to call back. that was at 4. in between in called my therapist. she was kind, but had nothing to say. nothing to attempt. now, at 4.15 the other case manager calls back, to say he has nothing to say. he still doesn’t know. he is still waiting. i asked what happened to the person who was supposed to be coming to check on me. he said, well, franscisco your case manager said he was going to you, but that he called you and asked if you were suicidal and you said no. well, he did call…but he didn’t get hold of me. so everything he said about asking if i was suicidal was a lie, and making up my answer was a lie and i told this other case manager that too, and he again has no answers why fransisco didn’t come, or why he said those lies (which you know he doesn’t think are lies) (he thinks im the lying one).

          can’t call franscisco–obviously, he didn’t even really want to check on me. and no one there knows what anyone else involved in this is doing anyway…they are all chickens running around with their heads cut off, none getting anything done. still leaving me stranded, alone, nobody. i can’t call the other case manager, he just called and said if he finds anything he’ll call and he probably will, since he did this time. but the news will probably be the same…nothing. and i can’t call my therapist, because she is back in session now. so i am alone again. i don’t exist again. i have slipped between the cracks again.

          Like

  3. kat, I’m so sorry. I hate that things are so shitty for you right now and I hope that changes quickly. You definitely are somebody. You are somebody who writes a blog that helps many people, even though it may not feel like it.

    Liked by 2 people

    • well at least i dont have to think about ‘feeling good feels like someone else’ now. because i’ll never be that someone. cuz i am no one.

      Like

  4. we did not read the whole post as it is triggering for us, but we hear you. we still dont ask people stuff, instead we are silent about it, letting it go. ow, this is hard to type 😦 walking away, its instilled in us and we feel guilty to ask about stuff, about getting help and all. we feel we wont deserve it. trauma is a bitch 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I think you should send them a copy of this whole post. They need to see how their actions affect you the person. I worked in a group home for teen girls for a while and it was appalling to me how badly things were managed sometimes. There are usually a few people on staff that believe in what they are doing and want to make things a better place. Unfortunately it seems these kinds of places attract a lot of flakes and terrible role models as well. Believe me you are not the problem here, but if you can be brave enough to make sure the right people hear your story it can make a real difference.

    Liked by 1 person

    • i have written them several letters, that i sent to my therapist, who forwarded them to the clinic to my providers for me (the clinic won’t give you any other contact other than to your case manager)

      Like

  6. Want to add that all of us are here because we have stories that need to be told. That makes us, not just somebody but somebody important!

    Liked by 1 person

    • i want to feel that is true. but everytime i start to think that way, i get knocked down even harder. guess i need to learn how to get my needs met without getting to the screaming, crying, suicidal part. i just don’t get how providers keep doing this to me/other people.

      Like

      • The way our system deals with mental health can be so severely lacking and I’m so sorry you are on the receiving end of some of the mess. The system, clinics, therapists, need more accountability and there needs to be a better way of communicating up the ladder. It’s ridiculous that letters you have sent have gone unreconciled. I often wish I was in a better place with myself to have the ability to advocate more for a better system but don’t even know where to begin. I am so sorry for your pain. I still believe you are an important somebody and your happiness matters to me… we’re all here for each other, we have to be, but I think we also want to be because we know we can offer even the smallest bit of comfort to each other. .. you have done that for me many times. That makes you somebody.!

        Liked by 1 person

      • It’s so hard, when you’re dealing with a system that really seems to view us all as numbers that don’t even make money for them because we’re disabled. I agree, it’s like we don’t matter to them, even though we desperately need help. I tell you what, if I didn’t desperately need their help I wouldn’t have anything to do with them. Now my lupus is flaring, and these asshole doctors, PAs etc., are blowing me off because I am on Medicare and I don’t make any money for them, so now my hair will have to fall out again before they will take me seriously. It’s not enough that my arms and legs are covered with bruises because my blood doesn’t clot right. I’m just grateful that I do have good psych providers. I’m praying for you, Kat. You’re Somebody to me, although I know you have very serious needs that are not being met by The System. I’m praying hard that the Doors of Mercy open for you, and you find kindness and caring very soon, amen. Blessings to you, my friend, and sincere wishes for all that you need, and peace.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. This isn’t fair on you. You are somebody. You are a kind, caring, gentle, loving person. You are a somebody to me, to us. You should not be treated like this. I am sooo mad at those people for treating you like that. They are not very professional or caring and that’s a part of their job, to be caring, to fight for their clients needs. I’m just sorry this is not what they’re doing for you hon. Your in my thoughts. xoxo ❤

    Liked by 2 people

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