I was taught from a very young age to know that I am nobody. To know that I deserve nothing. That I don’t have the right to be happy. That I don’t have the right to ask for anything from anyone anytime ever.
After lots of years of therapy and time away from my mom, I was starting to feel like I had a right to be happy. To ask for the things I need, not just to be happy, but to be human. Not be nobody.
And you all know how well that worked out with my last team at my clinic, with that Doc that wouldn’t do anything to me.
And you might know I have since switched to a new team, that I have been singing praises of, because they seemed so warm, so caring, so wanting to know if I had what I needed, if there was anything they could do. And I believed them. Because them seemed so different. So kind. Because they weren’t treating me like nobody anymore. And I trusted them.
And I decided with this newfound trust and newfound feeling of being cared for, that I would start to join some groups at the clinic. I decided to go bowling on Mondays, and volunteering at an Animal Shelter Mondays, with people from the clinic. And today was supposed to be my first day volunteering at the clinic, but no one there, and I asked 2 people, 2 times to make transportation arrangements for me, bothered to do it. So I sat outside my apartment waiting. waiting for a ride to a shelter that would never come. When the time was too late for a ride to get me there on time, I called the clinic to check on my ride. There was no ride. No one bothered to make one. No one bothered about me. No one cares, not even on this new team.
They lied. They lied to me. They told me they cared, they would follow thru, they would help me meet my needs. That I didn’t have to worry about everything. That they would do it. That I didn’t have to take everything on myself and follow thru all by myself anymore. But they forgot me. They left me. They didn’t care about me. Then I called the clinic to find out why this happened. My case manager assured me he would get me there by a ride before 1:45 when the group officially starts volunteering at the shelter. But the late called cab never showed until 1:45, so now there is no point in taking the cab, because I have no missed the first half of the 2 hr group. It is a waste now. It is too late now.
So I, nobody, called to let them know the cab they finally called came to late for me to go, so I am let down, incredibly let down. I have been looking forward to this for over a week, believing that I didn’t have to be in charge of all the details, that I could trust them to handle those for me. But they have just let me down yet again. And now there is no point at all. I can’t trust them for anything.
And its not just that. I called back to my Case Manager again, because I have asked him twice to find out hot to switch from tegretol to lithium like my doctor ordered, but he never called. i asked him twice to find out when i should see the doc after i get labs done after the switch cause the schedule appointment with the doc is one month away, and that is too long after switching to lithium to wait to see if it is too high or not high enough and needs changed. but he never called. he said he would call back. he said he would tell me what he found out. both time I called he said that. Both times, he failed to do that. And now I am still not on lithium. I still don’t have a soon enough follow up appointment and I still didn’t get to go to the animal shelter volunteer group. He has broken all his promises. He has fucked everything up. He is a fuckup. He can’t do one damn single thing I ask. I have been waiting almost 2 weeks, and now I am bawling my eyes out, so mad I can’t even talk, spitting my words out thru my tears, and feeling so invisible, so non existent, so unworthy, that nothing is worth asking about anymore because now I know my place in the new team is the same as it was in the old team. Nothing.
I am nobody. I was always nobody. I will always be nobody. I will always be like I am now. I will always struggle. I will always wish I was just dead, because I’ve never mattered. Nothing will ever change, because I am nothing. I am nobody.