Growing into Me with Bipolar

So Embarrassed


I am so embarrassed by my behavior Tuesday, with the clinic, when I flipped out on them completely because I wanted to know how to switch my meds over.  I feel so justified when I’m there, in that position.  I feel like I have been patient, calm, waiting for an answer, and so when I finally am no longer patient, that I am righteous, justified, in yelling and screaming and crying and demanding the answer.  Then I finally get it, and I feel like a balloon that is out of reach and is free has just been pricked by a pin and falls back to the ground, empty.

I feel, at that time, that I had fought a battle and finally won against my enemy, and surging on the anger and crying and despair and finally success, that by flipping out, losing control, I succeed!  Asking nicely again and again, leads to nowhere, nothing happens, I am not noticed.  When I finally can’t stand it anymore, can’t stand being invisible,  I blow myself up huge with righteous rage, justified anger and tears, and blow the house down like the wolf of fairy tales, and let it all out on those who should be helping me, to make them pay attention to me, make them help me, make them see me.  To get what I want, what I need, what I depend on them to do.

After I feel so strong, so sure, so right.  It was the only way, right?  I HAD to do it, right?

And then, because I still have to talk to them, still have to work with them, still have to go through them to get what I want, I realize I am wrong.  I was not righteous or justified.  I am embarrassed, small, mewling like a kitten.  Afraid of interacting with them again.  Afraid of what they think of me now.  Afraid they are judging me, thinking I am a drama addict, I am a manipulator, and that they don’t respect me as a person anymore.  That I have made this happen.  That I always hope my providers will see me and treat me as a reasonable person.  And then the don’t.  Because of me.  I ruin it for myself. And now I am alienated from them.  And now I am not a person to them, I am a problem, something no one wants to deal with, just wants to get me  out of the way as fast as they can.

When I feel invisible, when I feel hurt and abandoned, I flip out, lose control, just to be seen, noticed, helped.  I want them to see how much they have hurt me.  I want to hurt myself the same amount they hurt me, and then show them my pain that I etch on myself, that I show them when I flip out.  I put the pain they give back on myself, then show them what they did to me, thinking it will make them want to help me when they see the pain I am suffering from them.  But all it really does is me causing myself even more pain.  And they still don’t see me.  And they still don’t notice.  And they still don’t change.  Even if I got this one thing from them, they still don’t see the pain on me, that is where I put the pain they gave me, and they still don’t care.  Now I have hurt myself for them to notice, and I have just hurt myself for nothing.  And I suffer even more.

And I am embarrassed.  And I am ashamed.  And I am humiliated.  Because, I burn bridges.  Because I act like a child with a tantrum.  Because I alienate those I still need, those I still have to deal with.  And now I am a mouse, not a raging storm of confidence, pain, rage and anger.  I am a mouse in the corner, trying so hard to be noticed again, but too afraid to make a squeak after the childish outburst I have had.  Hoping they will see me again as a reasonable person.  See that I am not flipping out, seeing that I still need help from them.  And I am so embarrassed, I feel I don’t have the right to ask for anything, to expect anything, to deserve anything.  I am such a bad little girl.  And I am so ashamed.

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Comments on: "So Embarrassed" (15)

  1. sending you love and hugs hon. your not bad. you stood up for yourself, and even if you werent right, its important to stand up for yourself if you feel your being treated inappropriately. i’m sure they’ll still respect you. i’m positive they’ll still want to treat you. its their job to treat you. no matter what way your presenting. you’ll be ok, dont beat yourself up about it hon. it’ll be ok. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • i hope youre right, but even if they do like you say, i still feel like now i have made myself unworthy of help, that if i didn’t think i deserved help in the past, for sure now i don’t deserve it all.

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      • hugs, ❤ its hard to keep believing we’re worthy of help but you are. xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

        • ya, i know. i feel worthy when i get so angry/tearful, but after i come down, back to normal, i feel even worse about myself because of my behavior, my way of getting what i needed or of not being abandoned. because i should have done it right, not freaked out. because i shouldn’t take the pain they give me, give it to my brain, my body, and then show my damaged self back to them and think they will see this is what they did, and that will make them want to help me.

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  2. Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are worthy of help.

    Kate

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I know it was a frustrating situation you were in. Try not to judge it too much? I know it’s so easy, if you are like me, you’ve probably restaged the entire episode and every conversation a hundred different ways already. But you know, it is what it is. You did what you had to do to take care of yourself and that is #1. And you did it with no permanent damage because now you can find the balance. You had to get angry and upset to be heard before, but now you can take every chance to be friendly and kind in the interactions that allow it. Keep using your voice. Sometimes it’ll be emotional vomit all over the place 🙂 That’s ok. I know from what I have read online that your voice can also be very kind and supportive. So trust that part of yourself to show IRL as well. You are totally worth it!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hey Kat… I’ve just read this and the last ‘I’m nobody’ post. You have every right to feel totally pissed by such shabby unprofessionalism. You may well be blowing off, but I imagine they are professionals and used to people tipping the scale. They will see the bigger picture and I doubt any of them will judge you for it. It’s important they see the true you and the struggles you live with… if you won’t allow them to see it, how can anyone get a full understanding of the support you need? When we live with anxiety and depression, sometimes it is the little things that can really set us off. Your insight into this whole affair is wonderful and you should allow them to see that as well. I hope none of it puts you off….put it down to teething problems.

    Liked by 1 person

    • thanks for that. i just wish they didn’t push me til i get triggered (for me, being abandoned, ignored or invisible is terrifying, a PTSD thing-which is how they made me feel). so if they just heard me the first 3 times, i wouldn’t have gotten so triggered. i am working on my PTSD triggers, but that is slow progress. they expect me to act ‘well’ and don’t like it when i behave ‘not well’, but isn’t that why i go there? bc i am NOT well, and i want to BE WELL? i just hate when i lose control like that, get that triggered. sends me into a complete tailspin emotionally.

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      • I hope they don’t expect you to ‘act well’ because that is why we attend their flippin projects! I’ve been triggered a number of times by mental health and, yes, I also get embarrassed if I kick off.
        Where are you now with it? Did you manage to explain why this triggered you so badly? Are you giving it another try?

        Liked by 1 person

        • i have to stay with them. so ya, picking up where i left off, not referencing my blowup. and ya, i know why this triggered me–part of my trauma is fear of abandonment, and also not being allowed to ask for things because i don’t deserve them. so after asking nicely 3 times, i got completely triggered bc i felt totally abandoned and invisible, and it was like a punishment for thinking i was allowed to ask for help in the first place. isn’t PTSD fun?

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  6. It’s so frustrating (and humiliating) to throw an adult temper tantrum. Been there. Done that. Apologies never seem adequate because you cannot promise that you will never do it again, you just do your best.

    Like

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