So Embarrassed

I am so embarrassed by my behavior Tuesday, with the clinic, when I flipped out on them completely because I wanted to know how to switch my meds over.  I feel so justified when I’m there, in that position.  I feel like I have been patient, calm, waiting for an answer, and so when I finally am no longer patient, that I am righteous, justified, in yelling and screaming and crying and demanding the answer.  Then I finally get it, and I feel like a balloon that is out of reach and is free has just been pricked by a pin and falls back to the ground, empty.

I feel, at that time, that I had fought a battle and finally won against my enemy, and surging on the anger and crying and despair and finally success, that by flipping out, losing control, I succeed!  Asking nicely again and again, leads to nowhere, nothing happens, I am not noticed.  When I finally can’t stand it anymore, can’t stand being invisible,  I blow myself up huge with righteous rage, justified anger and tears, and blow the house down like the wolf of fairy tales, and let it all out on those who should be helping me, to make them pay attention to me, make them help me, make them see me.  To get what I want, what I need, what I depend on them to do.

After I feel so strong, so sure, so right.  It was the only way, right?  I HAD to do it, right?

And then, because I still have to talk to them, still have to work with them, still have to go through them to get what I want, I realize I am wrong.  I was not righteous or justified.  I am embarrassed, small, mewling like a kitten.  Afraid of interacting with them again.  Afraid of what they think of me now.  Afraid they are judging me, thinking I am a drama addict, I am a manipulator, and that they don’t respect me as a person anymore.  That I have made this happen.  That I always hope my providers will see me and treat me as a reasonable person.  And then the don’t.  Because of me.  I ruin it for myself. And now I am alienated from them.  And now I am not a person to them, I am a problem, something no one wants to deal with, just wants to get me  out of the way as fast as they can.

When I feel invisible, when I feel hurt and abandoned, I flip out, lose control, just to be seen, noticed, helped.  I want them to see how much they have hurt me.  I want to hurt myself the same amount they hurt me, and then show them my pain that I etch on myself, that I show them when I flip out.  I put the pain they give back on myself, then show them what they did to me, thinking it will make them want to help me when they see the pain I am suffering from them.  But all it really does is me causing myself even more pain.  And they still don’t see me.  And they still don’t notice.  And they still don’t change.  Even if I got this one thing from them, they still don’t see the pain on me, that is where I put the pain they gave me, and they still don’t care.  Now I have hurt myself for them to notice, and I have just hurt myself for nothing.  And I suffer even more.

And I am embarrassed.  And I am ashamed.  And I am humiliated.  Because, I burn bridges.  Because I act like a child with a tantrum.  Because I alienate those I still need, those I still have to deal with.  And now I am a mouse, not a raging storm of confidence, pain, rage and anger.  I am a mouse in the corner, trying so hard to be noticed again, but too afraid to make a squeak after the childish outburst I have had.  Hoping they will see me again as a reasonable person.  See that I am not flipping out, seeing that I still need help from them.  And I am so embarrassed, I feel I don’t have the right to ask for anything, to expect anything, to deserve anything.  I am such a bad little girl.  And I am so ashamed.