Growing into Me with Bipolar


my daughter approached me tonight after 2 really good days together.  she really wants to leave me and go live with her dad for the next 18 months til she turns 18.  she wants to leave on Christmas break.  She says its not just that we argue, but that I am too volatile, and it makes her ‘uncomfortable’ and she thinks we’ll be better together if we are apart.

my son is turning 18 dec. 30, but is in school until may when he graduates.  but he has told me he is probably gonna move out during break and rent a room from one of his friends from  his LDS church until he graduates and goes on his mission.

both my kids are leaving before they are graduated and 18.  i have failed as their mother.  ever since the day my son was born, i knew the only thing i really cared about, the only thing that was important, the only job i’d ever have, was being the best mother to my kids, never hurting them, giving them everything–not just material things, but passing on knowledge, experience, and teaching them how to think for themselves and be their own person and have confidence and healthy self esteem and stand up for and do what is right.  that is all i have ever wanted to do since they were born.  and i failed.  they would rather leave me to live with church mates, or to go back to their dad (who never wanted them anyway and has never been there for them).  how deeply have i failed, that my daughter would want to go live with her dad who never did anything for her that wasn’t ordered by the court, than she would live with me, me who has poured my life and and soul into being there for my kids.  i am empty inside.  i have given all of myself to them since they were born.  and it wasn’t enough.  i’m not a good enough mother. i have failed in the only job i have devoted my entire being to.

and now i have Chou, my new dog i posted her pic yesterday.  i don’t know if she is going to be enough to give me a reason to stay.  everything i have ever done is over and i didn’t do it right.  Chou and Angel (my unhappy cat) and my daughter’s guinea pig, MoMo will all be left with me.  i feel like i got the raw end of the deal. i lose my kids, and get the pets, cause that is all i am worthy of caring for.  i am really afraid the pets won’t be enough to keep me here.

there is also the financial issues. both kids and me get SSDI every month, and both kids get child support each month.  when my daughter goes to her dad’s, he’ll quit paying child support, and he will start getting her SSDI.  when my son moves out, he will begin receiving his own SSDI and child support.  I will only have my SSDI, which is about a thousand.  we just moved to a large, cheap 2 bed 2 bath, but even tho it is really good rent here, on just a thousand i can’t possibly afford to stay here.  i would have to break my lease and move to a studio or a rent a room in an apt or a house.  now, i SHOULD get Back Child Support instead of child support, and that should be the same amount he was already paying in child support.  but that all has to be filled out, copied, sent to ex, for him to sign and mail back to me, then i go file it, then i wait until the judge rules on it….that could be a week or 6 months.  whatever, in the interim i am living on next to nothing.

i am not saying i want my kids to stay just so my income doesn’t change, i’m saying that the switch over may leave me without any current or back child support for several months, and i would end up on the street in 1 month.  it is just very stressful trying to buy the right forms and packets, filling them out right, getting ex to do the same, getting all 4 copies filed and delivered to each specific area…and then the wait.  and if you did something wrong, you have to start over.  and then you wait.  and who knows what happens to you between losing first the regular child support, and then all the court stuff, and then waiting for the ruling to get the back child support to start.  who knows what happens during that interim?  do i get evicted? do i become homeless in a shelter?  do i sell all my stuff?

if i make it through the transition from losing child support to having the court order him to pay the same amount in back child support (he owes me $27k), without losing my apt or going homeless, then things will at least be peachy financially.

then i’ll have to see if i can keep living without my kids.  with my kids choosing to leave me before they need to.  with me failing them as a mother.

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Comments on: "My Kids Are Leaving Me…I Failed as a Mother" (14)

  1. 😦 genuinely feeling the heart break here. So sorry xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • thanks. i cried a lot after my daughter went to bed. and now i’m oddly calm. like its not happening. or like i know its happening, but its a long time away. i have to keep reminding myself this is real, and its happening now. and then i forget again. ah, dissociation. gotta love it–drowns out the reality and the feelings!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Whispering Girl said:

    Sounds like you have taught them to think for themselves. You daughter is going to have to figure things out with her Dad for herself. Maybe your relationship will improve. Your son probably just wants to let loose before heading on his mission. And you can’t do that living at home, don’t take it personally.

    Your kids are becoming independent adults. That makes you an awesome parent! You did it! You helped them get to this point. They’re about to start their own adventure now. How exciting!

    You have two kids who respect you enough to be honest with you and share their plans. How cool is that?! Yes, it’s going to hurt but you’ll be ok. xox

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh, Kat, am so sorry this is going on for you all 😦 Don’t really have any words, but want to let you know I care and am “with you” as best as is possible.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. we feel the heartbreak aswell *wipes eyes* 😦 sorry to read this xx thinking of you ( all) ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m so sorry, kat. I understand your feeling devastated and I really don’t know what to say other than “I’m sorry

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Kat I’m so sorry…This must be really tough…I don’t think you are a failure of a mother though.. You did the best you could with what you had, and now your kids are becoming adults. I hope all the legal stuff get settle quickly…This is a lot of stress to deal with… hugss

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh Kat. I’m very heartbroken to hear this. I know a waterfall of words and info is probably not what you need right now, but I wanted to pass along some thoughts.

    I am not a mother (in the true sense), but I helped my mother raise my younger brother (10 years younger than me). When he hit 16, he insisted on “dumping” both of us to go live with his piece of shit father who left my mom the moment she told him she was pregnant, then showed up when my brother was 8 years old going “Oh hey, changed my mind, now I want to see him occasionally. But not pay child support.”
    Ahem. Excuse my bitterness. Not the point.
    Anyway, my brother Grey insisted he was going to his dad’s. Mom and I were heartbroken. But didn’t stop him.

    Within 14 months, his dad decided to move to Florida and gave Grey 24 hours notice to get out.

    I took him in for a bit, then mom. Now I have him living with me again. He’s still a grumpy handful at times, but that jaded lesson of life has settled on him. And I hate that I am relieved he’s learned how the world is. But I have also gotten the gift of him understanding that Mom and I are his true allies. And always there for him.

    Regarding the housing situation: I don’t know the area you live in, but have you looked into any programs that would float you along a couple months while you straighten out the back child support? Like a housing assistance non-profit. That’s the company I work for at the moment, and we have some assistance and tons of referrals for people in such a tight spot. It tends to require “proof of hardship”, but you can obviously prove that a loss of income is happening. Just some thoughts. I don’t know if you have those, but I thought it couldn’t hurt to point you in that direction.

    And lots and lots of warm thoughts and hugs ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • unfortunately, with the kids moneys i make $400/mo too much for section 8 or vouchers. and i looked into ‘saving the family’ who is sposed to give hsg help…but you have to be homeless. i looked into good will, but they only list svcs in your area, they don’t offer them. i looked into the community action network in mesa, mesacan…but again, you have to be worse off than i am, and even if you were, they only help with one time rent and one time electric. and they were the only one with tangible help. the message is, if youre poor, its your fault, and you should either fix it yourself by not being so lazy or lay in the bed you made. i called all the government scvs as well and asked if they know of any programs they offer that could help or of any outside ones that i didn’t already try. nope. they didn’t know nothing. there is no help anywhere.

      but thanks for the suggestions!

      Like

  8. Kat, your not a failure. I know its easy for me to just say this, but I really believe you tried your best. sometimes kids have to learn by making wrong decisions. You always tried your best for them, you know this, and deep down they do too I’m sure. Keep on living, for your pets, because they’d be lonely and lost if anything happened to you. also keep living because you are so worth it. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

    Liked by 1 person

  10. This is such a worry, Kat, I hope you can find a way around it. You’re not a failure. This is just typical teenagers and your daughter might soon find out the grass is not always greener.

    Liked by 1 person

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