my daughter approached me tonight after 2 really good days together. she really wants to leave me and go live with her dad for the next 18 months til she turns 18. she wants to leave on Christmas break. She says its not just that we argue, but that I am too volatile, and it makes her ‘uncomfortable’ and she thinks we’ll be better together if we are apart.
my son is turning 18 dec. 30, but is in school until may when he graduates. but he has told me he is probably gonna move out during break and rent a room from one of his friends from his LDS church until he graduates and goes on his mission.
both my kids are leaving before they are graduated and 18. i have failed as their mother. ever since the day my son was born, i knew the only thing i really cared about, the only thing that was important, the only job i’d ever have, was being the best mother to my kids, never hurting them, giving them everything–not just material things, but passing on knowledge, experience, and teaching them how to think for themselves and be their own person and have confidence and healthy self esteem and stand up for and do what is right. that is all i have ever wanted to do since they were born. and i failed. they would rather leave me to live with church mates, or to go back to their dad (who never wanted them anyway and has never been there for them). how deeply have i failed, that my daughter would want to go live with her dad who never did anything for her that wasn’t ordered by the court, than she would live with me, me who has poured my life and and soul into being there for my kids. i am empty inside. i have given all of myself to them since they were born. and it wasn’t enough. i’m not a good enough mother. i have failed in the only job i have devoted my entire being to.
and now i have Chou, my new dog i posted her pic yesterday. i don’t know if she is going to be enough to give me a reason to stay. everything i have ever done is over and i didn’t do it right. Chou and Angel (my unhappy cat) and my daughter’s guinea pig, MoMo will all be left with me. i feel like i got the raw end of the deal. i lose my kids, and get the pets, cause that is all i am worthy of caring for. i am really afraid the pets won’t be enough to keep me here.
there is also the financial issues. both kids and me get SSDI every month, and both kids get child support each month. when my daughter goes to her dad’s, he’ll quit paying child support, and he will start getting her SSDI. when my son moves out, he will begin receiving his own SSDI and child support. I will only have my SSDI, which is about a thousand. we just moved to a large, cheap 2 bed 2 bath, but even tho it is really good rent here, on just a thousand i can’t possibly afford to stay here. i would have to break my lease and move to a studio or a rent a room in an apt or a house. now, i SHOULD get Back Child Support instead of child support, and that should be the same amount he was already paying in child support. but that all has to be filled out, copied, sent to ex, for him to sign and mail back to me, then i go file it, then i wait until the judge rules on it….that could be a week or 6 months. whatever, in the interim i am living on next to nothing.
i am not saying i want my kids to stay just so my income doesn’t change, i’m saying that the switch over may leave me without any current or back child support for several months, and i would end up on the street in 1 month. it is just very stressful trying to buy the right forms and packets, filling them out right, getting ex to do the same, getting all 4 copies filed and delivered to each specific area…and then the wait. and if you did something wrong, you have to start over. and then you wait. and who knows what happens to you between losing first the regular child support, and then all the court stuff, and then waiting for the ruling to get the back child support to start. who knows what happens during that interim? do i get evicted? do i become homeless in a shelter? do i sell all my stuff?
if i make it through the transition from losing child support to having the court order him to pay the same amount in back child support (he owes me $27k), without losing my apt or going homeless, then things will at least be peachy financially.
then i’ll have to see if i can keep living without my kids. with my kids choosing to leave me before they need to. with me failing them as a mother.