Growing into Me with Bipolar


xmas box

 

So, I keep watching that box full of my sparse Christmas decorations, waiting for it to spring out and find its way to my walls, curtain rods, door jambs and yes, finally to a fully decorated tree in front of the window (but only a 4′ one).  But nothing is happening.  The box just keeps sitting there, although I think I am seeing out of the corners of my eyes, when not looking at it directly, small movements, shadows flitting, and other sounds artificial trees make when moving about.

small xmas tree

 

I know eventually, I am going to have to actually go to the box, and start to put things together and nail them up.  But I am in this nice little cloud, where I feel like I am floating, but if I try to get up and do things in the real world, I am heavy and slow and plodding and it feels like I expend all my energy on each movement I undertake, even just to fill up my water bottle.  I prefer to stay on my little cloud, feeling light and free, without worry, without hurry.  xmas wreath

The boxes will still be there when I am ready.

AN UPDATE:  My ex has never contacted me since the nite we discussed, with my daughter, my daughter’s moving to her father’s. He said he would contact me the following day, but…..well, there ya go.  But he HAS been talking to her.  She still wants to move in with him and they are still talking about it.  But he has not contacted me in any way at all, and I have decided that since I have custody, I will be keeping my daughter here, with me, the parent she has spent all but 18 months with, because she IS my daughter.  Because this is a time I need to PUT MY FOOT DOWN.  Because she and I both need to WORK on our relationship–not RUN from it.  Because this is one of the last times I can show her how much I LOVE her, how to grow a relationship and persevere and NOT run.  Because I am her MOTHER, and I won’t just let her run away.  I WILL show her that I WILL NOT give up on her, no matter what.

And, I have really made a major jump in therapy, and I have been able to not have any arguments with her (she says we might have still had 3 small ones), to not yell at her, etc.  We have been able to be calm with each other since the night we and her father discussed her moving to his home.  And, I think I am only getting better at staying calm and not reacting and that it will just keep improving.  So, the very thing she didn’t like, that she said scared her, that made her want to live with her dad, I am finally gaining control of….So, our relationship can only improve, right?  Right! So, no giving up.

Of course, if he REALLY wants to have her move in with him, he can always go to the courthouse and get the forms needed to ask for change of custody, visitation, and parenting time  and child support/back child support of our daughter.  And then he’d have to hire an attorney to represent him here in AZ, since he is now in OR.  And that would cost money.  And we all know how much he enjoys spending money on anything but himself….so, um, ya.  Not thinking that that is very likely to happen.  I may be wrong, but I don’t think so.modificationofcustparentingnplan

 

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Comments on: "Just Sitting Here, Staring at the Christmas box, Waiting for…What?" (3)

  1. Good luck with putting up your xmas decorations. I dont envy you because I know that is a difficult job. Put on some xmas music, or music you like, and dance while you do it. So glad to hear your relationship with your daughter is growing stronger. Feel so happy for you xo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sorry, Kat, I am behind with blogs and missed this post. I have to say, I do feel a lot happier about your update regarding lovely-daughter and father saga. The thing is, it is so easy for a teenager to throw a strop and swan off to the other parent, only to return months (maybe weeks) later when that doesn’t work out. I think it’s right to put your foot down. You are not only instilling discipline but ensuring her own stability and that is your responsibility/duty as parent… or one of them!

    It must be so difficult to deal with your own issues and the typical teen-tantrums. It’s good to hear of a major shift in therapy. From experience, this does have a knock on effect in other areas of our life. I’m sure it will help your relationship with lovely-daughter

    Liked by 1 person

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