Growing into Me with Bipolar


that about sums it up.  my daughter and i kept squabbling in the store.  We were in agreement, but she would still find fault with why i was in agreement with her. semantics, words, order of the sentence, i was always the one misunderstanding, assuming, miscommunicating, arguing….all me.

we finally head home, i say im sorry for whatever i did that upset you.  then i say, well now, you’re supposed to say it back to me, and we let it go and bury the hatchet.  not a word.  not. one. little. word.download

so i escalate until i am screaming at her, still asking for her to say either an apology for her part too, or to say why she won’t apologize.  i keep screaming, just say something to me! lovely weather we’re having is all i can get.  i am so furious, i pull over and tell her to walk the rest of the way, unless she will apologize or say why she won’t apologize (only a mile….skates all over, 10,15 miles on way to see her friends.  so i am not worried about her getting home soon after me. images (5)

but she doesn’t.  goes from 7.30 to 8.30.  still not worried.  8.30 to 9.30. now i am starting to feel a bit nervous and scared.  where is she?  9.30 to 10.30…where can she have gone?  i try calling.  her phone is off or dead.  she has no money, no bus pass, no id, no phone.  10.30 to 11.00 and my ex messages my son, telling him haley messaged him that she is at her friend jade’s.  this is one of those friends about 5-10 miles from our home.

so she is safe. and i am glad.  and relieved.  but i am still mad.  still hurt.  she is my child, and she should treat me with respect and deference, just because i am her elder, her parent, and an authority figure.  why is it that she treats me with such disdain, such disrespect?  all i wanted was us both to apologize for fighting with each other.  how did it come to this?  that she treats me this way over such small things?  that she would treat me with such callous indifference and cruelty?

i seek to see where i have gone wrong.  and yet, i don’t see where anything i have done would have led to this most awful point.  she treats me as i did my mother, but my mother beat me, bullied me, threatened me with worse abuse, told me i was gutter trash and nothing and nobody and that she wished i was never born.  so i had a reason to treat my mom without respect.  she hurt me at every turn of my life.  but i have never NEVER been such a mother to my daughter.  so i still don’t understand—why does she treat me so cruelly?

and while i am not so worried and more calm knowing where she is, what do i do tomorrow?  when she comes home from school?  do i sweep it under the rug and go on as if it never were?  i don’t want to do that.  i want to ground her…but how do i ground her, when she has a bus pass with her and can go wherever she wants after school?  how do i make her come home?  make her stay home?  make her not talk to her friends?  how can i ever punish her to teach her respect, when i can’t make her come home?

i have felt so many things tonight. i have this looming feeling that there is nothing i can do, and i can’t handle this.  and that i am going to have to give up on it, on her.  to save myself.  but if i give up, then i AM that horrible mother.images (4)

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Comments on: "Sad Angry Hurt Guilty All Mixed Up" (11)

  1. manyofus1980 said:

    You are not horrible! It isnt wrong for you to want respect. And you deserve it. Im sorry she treats you with such disrespect. No wonder you feel awful! I hope you can resolve it somehow. XX

    Liked by 1 person

    • i hope so too. she didn’t come home this morning before school to get her books and bag and stuff. i hope she comes home after school.

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  2. Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It sounds like a really distressing event for the both of you. I’m sorry that this happened.

    I’m not sure why your daughter acted with such contempt towards you during this fight or what she is feeling but I’m certain that this does not make you horrible or a horrible mother. No one likes to feel disrespected or unloved. Given your immense efforts to provide love for your children and the suffering you have experienced from your own mother I can completely understand how frustrated you must feel at your daughters actions and reactions to you.

    I think the typical teen has a hard time looking at the bigger picture and sometimes this includes their parent’s feelings. I imagine she does not (thankfully) understand the pain of what you have experienced at her age and she probably does not consider the comparison between the two experiences when she acts a certain way.

    When I was a teen and my mum and I would fight I would be so angry at her, not only because of the issues she and I had between us, but because I was so caught up in my own pain and issues. I did not feel like I could communicate with her or that my mum would ‘get’ it. I still loved my mum (she had/has good and bad traits) but I was dealing with my own stuff and it was sometimes hard to see beyond myself to understand how she felt about things. Conversely, sometimes my frustration was about being unable to say what I really meant for fear of hurting her, knowing she was dealing with a lot of her own issues.

    I know from what you’ve written before that you love your children. I don’t know what the best approach is for when she comes home – this is going to be a tricky and personal decision – but when I fight with my mother (still) I try to remember that I cannot force others to act the way I feel is best, I can only try to act in a way that provides me with inner satisfaction. As you feel an apology is the best way to settle an argument, perhaps you could offer it to her by way of example and explain that you feel this is the best way to show remorse, love and respect to her, that you wish she would show you the same respect and that you would love to talk about her feelings if and when she is ready. Perhaps it may help if she has time to consider that?

    I certainly feel for the both of you and hope you can find a peaceful resolve soon. x
    Aimee xx

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Oh dear, I’m so sorry to hear. I know it’s no solace, but as a pediatrician I always tell parents of teens that they are just two-year-olds on wheels. And what wheels! Their developmental task, just like two-year-olds’, is to develop independence. So it’s natural that they fight you tooth and nail at every opportunity. The challenge is not to take it personally! (Did I really just write that??!!) So…I hope you wouldn’t take it personally if your two year old screamed, stamped her feet, threw herself on the floor…all because you asked her to help pick up her toys! You certainly would not ask for an apology. You might….but you wouldn’t get it!

    I remember my own mother demanding that I respect her because…she was my mother! I HAD to respect her! I remember coldly telling her that if she wanted me to respect her she had to EARN my respect. She back-handed me. THAT certainly helped! Right.

    Unfortunately, respect must be earned. You can get mad at me if you want, but that’s the case by your two year old and it’s the case with your teen. So how do you earn a teen’s respect? By being straight-up, forthright, and never saying anything to her that you would not want anyone, and I mean ANYONE, to say to her. If you apologize, do it whole-heartedly, and don’t expect an angry, sullen teen to lay down her pride so fast.

    This is an investment in the future for both of you, an investment in your relationship. Don’t squabble over small stuff. If she really jerks your chain….I mean, WHEN she really jerks your chain…wait till you both cool down before trying to talk about it. And no silent treatment, either! That’s fanning the flames and it’s not good.

    Now that you’ve had this episode, you have to earn her trust back. You do this by treating her like the big girl she is. Ignore the fact that she took off. You both know why. Just be sure not to make a habit of getting into it with her and then expecting an apology, or she might decide not to come back one day….just like I did when my mother would not get off my case.

    Again I apologize for laying things out like this, and if you never speak to me again I will understand. I say these things out of love because I really, really care about you and I want you to have a good relationship with your daughter…I know how confusing it can be to everyone concerned!

    Love,
    Laura

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    • well shes been gone about 24 hr now. she went to school. she wanted me to drop off her nite time seroquel but she knows i don’t have the car because my son is using it for work or school. so i called the principal, who had given me the message about her pill, and i explained that she knew i didn’t have a way to get her her meds, and if she wants them she has to come to get them. guess what? she went somewhere with friends instead. must have her bus pass with her. and so now, she is missing, i don’t know who with or where, and she is foregoing her meds as well. so pardon if im not turning the other cheek. im debating how long to give her before i call the cops and report her as a missing child.

      i only know her friends’ first names, no addresses, no parent names. she could be with anyone or going it on her own. i have no idea. as bad as my mother was, i NEVER did this. i always knew there was a line you can’t come back from. unlike my daughter, apparently.

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      • I would say call the cops RIGHT NOW. I don’t want to freak you out, but statistics say that vulnerable teens (I would call ALL teens vulnerable, because they all thing they are Superman and nothing will ever happen to them!) are most often trafficked when they have just had a spat with a parent and do something risky like go with some “pretty boy.” So please pick up the phone and make the call. So what if she’s fine and pissed–you are doing your job as a parent (a very worried one!!!) and might be also saving her life. Keep me posted?

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      • Bummer. Hope she’s just asserting her independence and will show up sometime soon…

        No, you are not beyond the pale. When she shows up, you can have a frank talk with her about how you feel, using “I” language, like “when you do x, I feel y and I don’t know how to communicate with you so I do z and it hurts you, and it hurts me too. So next time x happens, how do you think we should handle it? So that empowers her and she will feel like she has choices. Of course if she comes up with something unsafe or unacceptable, you can say, “I don’t feel comfortable with that because it makes me feel ___. Can you think of another way to solve this that might be safer? And if she gets huffy, end the conversation by saying, OK, I think we’ve gone as far as we can with this right now. Let’s both take some time out with this. How about (doing something she really likes to do)?

        I learned with my son, actually from the residential treatment school where he did his junior and senior years of high school (having been thrown out of numerous outpatient programs) to call these talks “conversations,” because a conversation is a two-way communication rather than being a confrontation. So if he is crossing boundaries, even now when he’s an adur, I can say “we need to have a conversation, and he knows something is up, and I’m going to hold him accountable for something, but that he is also going to have his opportunity to explain his rationale that leads him to this behavior, and it is possible that I might see his point of view and at least come to a compromise. He is thus empowered by the fact that I have agreed to listen to his side.

        In both of these listening techniques, the rules are that when one person is speaking the other listens in silence, really listening and not thinking about what she is going to say in rebuttal when it gets to be her turn to speak! A “talking stick” is very useful here. Whoever holds the talking stick has the floor. No one else can talk. If the person who is holding the talking stick tends to go on and on, a kitchen timer can be used to limit talk time to whatever time you BOTH agree on, and when the timer goes ding the talking stick is passed. Only “I” language is permitted. Confrontational language signals the end of the conversation. Both you and her.

        This is what I learned at my son’s school, and it changed both of our lives forever. Eventually the talking stick becomes unnecessary because the conversation method becomes normal. Good luck and I hope your daughter comes home soon!

        Like

  5. I think as teenagers, most of us are horrible to our mother or at least feel horrible things about her. I wouldn’t have dared talk back, but youngsters are different today. Ouch, I feel for you!

    Liked by 1 person

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