that about sums it up. my daughter and i kept squabbling in the store. We were in agreement, but she would still find fault with why i was in agreement with her. semantics, words, order of the sentence, i was always the one misunderstanding, assuming, miscommunicating, arguing….all me.
we finally head home, i say im sorry for whatever i did that upset you. then i say, well now, you’re supposed to say it back to me, and we let it go and bury the hatchet. not a word. not. one. little. word.
so i escalate until i am screaming at her, still asking for her to say either an apology for her part too, or to say why she won’t apologize. i keep screaming, just say something to me! lovely weather we’re having is all i can get. i am so furious, i pull over and tell her to walk the rest of the way, unless she will apologize or say why she won’t apologize (only a mile….skates all over, 10,15 miles on way to see her friends. so i am not worried about her getting home soon after me.
but she doesn’t. goes from 7.30 to 8.30. still not worried. 8.30 to 9.30. now i am starting to feel a bit nervous and scared. where is she? 9.30 to 10.30…where can she have gone? i try calling. her phone is off or dead. she has no money, no bus pass, no id, no phone. 10.30 to 11.00 and my ex messages my son, telling him haley messaged him that she is at her friend jade’s. this is one of those friends about 5-10 miles from our home.
so she is safe. and i am glad. and relieved. but i am still mad. still hurt. she is my child, and she should treat me with respect and deference, just because i am her elder, her parent, and an authority figure. why is it that she treats me with such disdain, such disrespect? all i wanted was us both to apologize for fighting with each other. how did it come to this? that she treats me this way over such small things? that she would treat me with such callous indifference and cruelty?
i seek to see where i have gone wrong. and yet, i don’t see where anything i have done would have led to this most awful point. she treats me as i did my mother, but my mother beat me, bullied me, threatened me with worse abuse, told me i was gutter trash and nothing and nobody and that she wished i was never born. so i had a reason to treat my mom without respect. she hurt me at every turn of my life. but i have never NEVER been such a mother to my daughter. so i still don’t understand—why does she treat me so cruelly?
and while i am not so worried and more calm knowing where she is, what do i do tomorrow? when she comes home from school? do i sweep it under the rug and go on as if it never were? i don’t want to do that. i want to ground her…but how do i ground her, when she has a bus pass with her and can go wherever she wants after school? how do i make her come home? make her stay home? make her not talk to her friends? how can i ever punish her to teach her respect, when i can’t make her come home?
i have felt so many things tonight. i have this looming feeling that there is nothing i can do, and i can’t handle this. and that i am going to have to give up on it, on her. to save myself. but if i give up, then i AM that horrible mother.