Growing into Me with Bipolar


I took a hiatus from writing because I felt like all I do here is complain about my life, looking for ‘hugs’, but not actually doing anything to make my life better.  I feel I never talk about positives.  I want to be more than just a whiner.

And I recently felt like I could come back to writing here, like maybe now that I have seen some progress in my life I could talk about more happy things and not just whine and complain.  But as if on queue, I ended up having an argument with my son, which is rare.  We hardly ever actually get into it.

But the point here is that this argument wasn’t caused by me, unless you consider being offended by being passive-aggressively manipulated by another and becoming upset as your fault.  Apparently, not only is my word (backed up by reputable sources) not good enough for my son to believe what I was trying to share with him, because it was interesting to me.  He also isn’t interested in having conversations (with me) on issues he doesn’t care about.  Well!  I guess I should’ve stopped there.

But no, not (stupidly, persistent) crazy me.  I said he should be interested in what i talk to him about, because that’s what people who like each other do.  They listen to each other, even if they don’t care, or agree.  Then he started telling me I had no reason to make him believe what I was saying.  So I said does it even matter that I’m just someone close to you, that you have every reason to trust?  Does it matter that I have articles to back me up?  And the answer was no. Nothing matters except he wanted me to go away and shut up.  And, now, it was MY fault that I was crying, and MY fault that I felt ignored, unimportant.  And when I said I only felt that way because he refused to act even the barest amount of polite and civilized, by hearing and acknowldging what I said in the first place and that he only compounded that by telling me he didn’t care and didn’t think I even knew what I was talking about, he told me I was the one with the problem, I was the one getting angry and out of control.  I said he manipulated me into that by making me feel worthless.

Well, the point is, he wasn’t gonna back down, and I was so hurt that as long as he was here, I was gonna keep trying to get him to see how mean and hurtful and rude he was, and how that hurt me and made me angry with him, and I didn’t even want to be angry.  I had been having a great day. Why would I want to bring it down like this?

So, I told him to leave the house because I didn’t want to share it with him, and I didn’t want to leave.  He argued, but left.

So, the point is…I guess even tho I’m so much better now, and am finally having good days, I guess the only way to really protect myself from abuse, (even from my son), is to not share anything important or interesting to me, to anyone.

And since my original intentions of coming back here, to blog more about progress and recovery than how awful my life is, well, you can see I can’t seem to stay away from being the whiner. And I don’t want to be that person anymore.

Thank you all for everything.  For sharing with me, your pain and triumphs, for being there for me in comments telling me you understood, letting me cry on your shoulders. You are all wonderful and I am proud to know you and call you my friends.

Comments on: "Maybe I Shouldn’t Be Here Anymore" (49)

  1. Don’t leave. We are here for you and everyone has bad days. Don’t let your son control your life if you want to be here and writing.

    Liked by 3 people

    • im not letting my son do this. i just seem to get hurt whenever i allow myself to be open. and i don’t want that or to be a complainer. but thanks for your comment. i’ll think on it.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Most of us are in your same boat. I was so thin-skinned I cried at everything. Thought everything was a slight against me. I have been able to harden my skin and I find this blog world so much more supportive than the real world.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Your son is being very selfish and it is difficult not to react to this kind of behaviour.

    Liked by 2 people

    • thank you. that is exactly how i felt. tbh, his father is a narcissist, and treated my that way for most of the years we were together. his father was also passive-aggressive. my friends believed i started the arguments and i over reacted, but he was flawless. and i have tried to raise my son to be different than his father. and when i see him behaving like his father (treating me disrespectfully, ignoring my needs) it is sooo hurtful. especially when i call him on it, and he ignores me, steamrolls me, and makes me the bad guy for being hurt.

      i just don’t want to be hurt by those semi to very close to me anymore, because i put my heart out there. so im keeping it hidden now, the only place it is safe.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I am sort of in the same position with my son. His father is also a narcissist and I am afraid my son is too like him. He does have part of me in him and isn’t too fond of his father so I guess it could be worse. But some of the things I see him do to his girlfriends is not too nice sometimes, but he is 28 now and more like his father. I feel sorry for the girls and that was before I learned what a narcissist was.

        Liked by 2 people

        • that sounds so familiar. my son is 18 and just graduated hs. he love his dad, but is aware of his faults (since they affected him growing up, with how ex behaved during divorce and separation). he knows dad is very selfish and manipulative. but has a decent skype and text relationship with him. he doesn’t want to be like him, thats why he converted to LDS. but sometimes he is exactly like his father, and even when pointed out, refuses to see it, acknowledge it, or to change it. uses his religion to try to justify it. it kills me how he uses his religion to support his abusive, selfish, passive aggressive behavior and makes it my fault. it kills me how he can suddenly turn and be just like his father.

          Liked by 1 person

          • I am sorry about that. It can be painful, but in many ways I don’t think my son means it, he is just following in dear old dad’s footsteps. He will do almost anything for me if I really need it, but he curses while talking to me because his dad did too. Even the girls picked that up from dad. Son has Bipolar too, and rage and OCD and panic and anxiety. He got the rage from daddy.

            Like

      • Narcissists are clever at manipulating and making everything appear your fault, their abuse almost goes unnoticed in public, they’re masters at the disguise. It’s sad that you feel the need to keep your emotions and thoughts close to your chest, but hopefully it’s just the gruesome teenage phase

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Sweetheart, do you mean here on this planet, or here in this situation??? ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • just this situation. i have a hard time developing acquaintances into friendship because of this issue, so i feel i need to be less heart on my sleeve and that means more isolated so i don’t keep getting hurt, so i hide my heart.

      Liked by 3 people

  4. Stay. 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

  5. It’s so weird that we are having the same thoughts today… When I started blogging, I was hoping to help other pain patients, but I don’t feel that’s happening. I don’t think I’m helping anyone. And I’m beginning to wonder if I’m even helping myself.

    I don’t know why you think whining is such a bad thing. And talking about how we deal with pain and our medical conditions isn’t really whining, it’s just reality. I think not talking about the bad things, keeping it bottled up, isn’t healthy and just makes us hurt more. Katrina, you can’t live your life without any hurt — that’s just not possible. We all disagree at times, but disagreements don’t need to be hurtful, unless you let them. Life would be pretty boring if everyone agreed all the time.

    You know your son is being unreasonable and mean. Sometimes, religion does that to people. I have problems with my son too, and even though I love him more than anything, there have been times when I’ve cut off contact for my own peace of mind. Seems like making decisions based on how your son makes you feel gives him control over you. Do you think that’s a good thing?

    Liked by 3 people

    • its not about reacting to him; its about changing my behaviour so that i have a different outcome, one in which i don’t get hurt. if i hide my heart instead of putting it out there, then it can’t get hurt this way. then i can stay safe. and yes, religion is an issue for us-he converted to LDS a year ago, and sometimes what he is brainwashed has learned to believe is so very hurtful. and of course he can’t see it that way. my problem is i don’t believe, according to him, so i should expect to suffer. all i have to do is believe and pray and then i would have relief. and if i don’t do that, then that is why i am suffering. he is living at home until september when he goes on a mission.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Don’t doubt for a single minute that what you do isn’t helping.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I used to have the exact same conversation with my ex-husband. I believed that if I wanted to go shopping for handbags, he should accompany me – just because he loves me – and when he wanted to sit on the couch and watch some stupid football game, I would do it with him. BUT I WAS WRONG. No one person can be everything to another person. I ruined my marriage by expecting my husband to be: my best friend, my confidant, my lover, my partner in chores, my constant companion, my advocate, etc. It was too much for one person to handle. It seems to me that you spend a lot of time with your son and you love each deeply – but he also needs space to tell you to shut-up sometimes. Sure, it hurts you, but he didn’t want to listen to you for just that moment. In no way is he withdrawing his love forever. Please apologize to him and make up.

    Like

    • he apologized to me at the end of the night, for not stopping when i told him hes behaviour was hurtful. but i don’t expect him to be my constant companion or confidante or anything. but when i choose to share things that interest me, are important to me, i do expect him to show interest just for that reason. that’s what people do. i listen to people talking about things i don’t care a whit about–but i show interest because it is important to them and they are important to me. i just expect to be respected by those close to me, thats all.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Now this I can get close to. Not what I meant to say, but can’t figure out how to say it. Damn brain fog. I get the eye-rolling and the do we have to go through this again. I apologize because I forgot I told him or forgot which child I told. They do it to me all the time and don’t understand my brain fog and drug position. He thinks I am a druggie with all the meds and the crazy things I say. But I refuse to take their attitudes serious as the final say. It is hard, but some people are just like that.

        Liked by 2 people

        • my son is like that too. he usually knows to keep it to himself, but not always. it is very hurtful. also, i have fibro brain fog and bipolar also causes cognitive deficits..you know, can’t find the right word, say a rhyming word, or similar meaning word, forget the topic while talking about it. between the two brain deficits, we’re lucky we can set up meds and remember to eat.

          Liked by 1 person

          • You sound just like me. My bipolar and BPD are still stable thankfully. My brain fog and drugs are doing me in right now.

            Like

      • I hear you. Thank you for sharing that he apologized.

        Liked by 2 people

  7. One of the first rules of writing is to write what you know.
    Right now you know pain. Whatever form it may take. Write about it. If nothing else it is therapeutic.
    Don’t let outside influences stop you from doing something that is obviously important to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • i guess i am afraid of wearing people out with my constant negativity. and i also just don’t want to be so negative. i want to change my perspective, and see happy things, or at least pleasantness.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I believe that will come in time.
        You clearly need a safe place to vent and share what is happening in your life. Use this as a tool to do that and the change you want/need will come 🙂

        Liked by 3 people

        • I happen to be very negative, but I am working on that and I had a period of time where I faked the positivity til I began to believe it. It didn’t last, but it was a revelation in the difference in how you are treated in life. I even got back at my ex-husband with it and it felt so good. He always had to upstage me with his moaning and groaning and I told him I felt great and how was he. He couldn’t talk, it just rendered him speechless. I am trying to get back to that point again. It is not easy. I don’t expect it to be easy, but I am worth trying to make myself feel better and you are too.

          Liked by 2 people

  8. Kat, we can’t change other people, only our reactions to them and their behaviour. I understand that this is way easier said than done, but you do need to find a way of protecting your own feelings. However, hiding your heart from EVERYONE would be cutting off your nose to spite your face. There is lots of love and support for you here, and cutting yourself off from that would be silly 🙂

    Your son sounds very confused, and maybe one day he’ll realise the detrimental effect his new behaviours have had on you. Keep yourself protected against him, he isn’t who he was at the moment. But don’t ever feel you need to be protected from us.

    I hope your son comes out of this brainwashing thing and comes back to you emotionally. ❤

    L. X

    Liked by 2 people

  9. You are all so awesome. I appreciate each of you. And I will at least be here lurking for the time being.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That is ok Kat. Do what you have to do to make yourself feel better. We all understand and if you feel like joining in than please do. We will miss you.

      Liked by 2 people

  10. PS We ALL of us get to feel we’re being a pita from “moaning” etc, but if people can’t deal with it on that particular day because they’ve got their own issues going on, then it doesn’t mean they don’t care. I sometimes look at posts and much though I want to be supportive, there are times when I’m all out of energy for that, or am too busy trying to find my way out of the latest medical hole I’ve fallen down. Sometimes our own illnesses make it impossible for us to be able to give the help we’d love to give. It doesn’t mean you’re a whinger, or a moaner, or a complainer <3.

    Besides, I think, given what we all have to deal with day in, day out (not to mention the nights inbetween) we're all damn well entitled to have a vent or a rant about it, whenever we need to!

    So vent away, lovely Kat. Those who can be there for you will be. Those who can't will be back as soon as they can (on here, I mean)

    Real life people can be trickier, but I guess the same principle applies. If they CAN be supportive, they will try to be. Even when they're crap at it, at least they're TRYING to help. Real life people who tell you this is all your fault, it's God's punishment, you've brought it on yourself, etc etc, – well, you need to minimise the amount of emotional contact you have with them. Their attitude only makes your illness worse.

    Please don't make THEIR issues YOUR problem ! Just because THEY believe something negative about you or you illness doesn't make it true! X

    Liked by 3 people

  11. Stupid page won’t let me Like your Awesome comment! Keeps bringing up the green Reply button, grrrrrrrr! Lol. X

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Dear Kat

    You deserve love and validation and attention. It’s good that you can get it from online sources. I can totally relate to what you are dealing with. Give yourself the option of online support. So many of us here don’t have the good friendships we yearn for but I believe that in time it will happen.

    You son and husband engaged in a great deal of gaslighting. This is very insidious stuff. The Emotionally Abused Woman by
    Beverly Engel helped me so much. It takes time to get beyond all this.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

    Liked by 2 people

  13. We want to read what you have to say. And, your not a whiner! Never! Your awesome! XX

    Liked by 2 people

  14. To me you’re not a whiner. You’re someone who has feelings and shares them like we all do. Writing is something we have to express ourselves in a world that’s too busy to hear our cries. Moreover you don’t need to be anything specific. Be sad. Be raw. Be real. This is your blog and we are all here for you. And you have done a lot of positives here. Maybe you can’t find happy things to write about (that’s okay) but the comments you have left me have been so encouraging, powerful and comforting. You have been one of the lights on this blogging adventure and I’m very thankful you’re here. I’m so happy we got to meet, even in this way. Please know you’re not a burden to us and we care. Stay strong. Big hug.

    Liked by 3 people

  15. I think there are rough patches, and as you write you’ll get the thoughts out of your head and hopefully out of your heart, too. Best to you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  16. alfgarnet said:

    One, my dear freind you are not a whiner, plus I,m the moaning old git,you put your whole self into your blogs and that’s what we love about you, you write, comment and give encouragement to other, we all go through dark times and we carry on , you want to come on have a good bitch and moan , that my love is a damm sight better then bottleing it all up and exploding , ok your sons being a ass, they all like that at some point, , don’t let him control your anger, you are the important one , you and your health, just adjust your mask and smile at him, that will annoy him a damm sight more then arguing, but will show him how strong you are and that he can’t get to you , xxxx stay strong, and stay and keep blogging

    Liked by 2 people

    • oh alf, thank you so much for your words. you are right, as usual 🙂 actually was so upset because i was actually finally able to see it was he who was being the attacker, he was being passive aggressive about it. and i was able to tell him so. it was that none of that mattered to him that hurt me so.

      but you are so many others have written to encourage me to keep writing even if it still feels like whining to me. and i will resume writing soon. thank you!

      Liked by 2 people

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