Maybe I Shouldn’t Be Here Anymore

I took a hiatus from writing because I felt like all I do here is complain about my life, looking for ‘hugs’, but not actually doing anything to make my life better.  I feel I never talk about positives.  I want to be more than just a whiner.

And I recently felt like I could come back to writing here, like maybe now that I have seen some progress in my life I could talk about more happy things and not just whine and complain.  But as if on queue, I ended up having an argument with my son, which is rare.  We hardly ever actually get into it.

But the point here is that this argument wasn’t caused by me, unless you consider being offended by being passive-aggressively manipulated by another and becoming upset as your fault.  Apparently, not only is my word (backed up by reputable sources) not good enough for my son to believe what I was trying to share with him, because it was interesting to me.  He also isn’t interested in having conversations (with me) on issues he doesn’t care about.  Well!  I guess I should’ve stopped there.

But no, not (stupidly, persistent) crazy me.  I said he should be interested in what i talk to him about, because that’s what people who like each other do.  They listen to each other, even if they don’t care, or agree.  Then he started telling me I had no reason to make him believe what I was saying.  So I said does it even matter that I’m just someone close to you, that you have every reason to trust?  Does it matter that I have articles to back me up?  And the answer was no. Nothing matters except he wanted me to go away and shut up.  And, now, it was MY fault that I was crying, and MY fault that I felt ignored, unimportant.  And when I said I only felt that way because he refused to act even the barest amount of polite and civilized, by hearing and acknowldging what I said in the first place and that he only compounded that by telling me he didn’t care and didn’t think I even knew what I was talking about, he told me I was the one with the problem, I was the one getting angry and out of control.  I said he manipulated me into that by making me feel worthless.

Well, the point is, he wasn’t gonna back down, and I was so hurt that as long as he was here, I was gonna keep trying to get him to see how mean and hurtful and rude he was, and how that hurt me and made me angry with him, and I didn’t even want to be angry.  I had been having a great day. Why would I want to bring it down like this?

So, I told him to leave the house because I didn’t want to share it with him, and I didn’t want to leave.  He argued, but left.

So, the point is…I guess even tho I’m so much better now, and am finally having good days, I guess the only way to really protect myself from abuse, (even from my son), is to not share anything important or interesting to me, to anyone.

And since my original intentions of coming back here, to blog more about progress and recovery than how awful my life is, well, you can see I can’t seem to stay away from being the whiner. And I don’t want to be that person anymore.

Thank you all for everything.  For sharing with me, your pain and triumphs, for being there for me in comments telling me you understood, letting me cry on your shoulders. You are all wonderful and I am proud to know you and call you my friends.