Growing into Me with Bipolar

I’m Back (Pt. 2)


So, I was in the hospital from late October to late November. I was in a mixed state at first with some psychosis.  For instance, I don’t remember the fight with my daughter or how I got to the hospital or even the first 4 days of being in the hospital.

Our days were filled with groups, our meal times and evenings were spent coloring, talking and watching tv.  The groups were actually very good (which is a first in my experience) and I learned a lot.  There were some good nurses and some bad ones, but mostly good.  My doc was really good; every morning we met, and I was able to tell him how I was experiencing things, how I felt, what I thought I needed and took all of that into consideration when making a treatment plan.  It was a collaboration rather than the doc just telling me what was gonna happen.  So after 3 weeks, just 2 days before Thanksgiving, I was released back into the wild and quickly found myself overwhelmed and sliding downward again.

When I arrived home, I found my entire apartment had been devastated by a tornado (my daughter) in the wake of her leaving here to go to her dad’s in Oregon, while I was still in the hospital!  I had thought she was a missing person, until 3 days later when she emailed me that she was in OR.  As I sorted through the mess, I got rid of my daughter’s things that she had left behind, as I assumed that she abandoned them and wasn’t coming back; that she had taken what she wanted and gone.  She took 2 sets of luggage (now I have none) and gave away her guinea pig.  I was sure she wasn’t planning on returning.

So, I cleaned the apartment and sorted and tossed and washed. And by the end of that, by the end of 3 weeks out of the hospital, I had to check back in. This time, my mania/mixed episode with psychosis was not the problem, my bipolar depression was. I had a complete episode from mania/mixed episode with psychosis to depression, starting in November and ending in January.  So, I went back in.  All I could think of was dying and all I did was cry.  This time I stayed in the hospital for 4 weeks, over Christmas and New Year’s.  This time they changed my meds again.  Finally it seemed to be working.  I can’t say I was truly happy, but for the first time since October, I didn’t have continuous thoughts of death; I wasn’t planning on dying or obsessing and I was looking ahead to my future life.  I got home January 16 and got a roommate too to help me save money for a car.  She was a really cool chick named T, but unfortunately, she couldn’t pay rent so she moved out in a month. But another friend needed a place, J, so he moved in instead.  As much as I want to be alone, independent, I know I would isolate if I didn’t have a roommate.  I’m not even that close to my current roommate, but just having him around, someone to shoot the breeze with, is nice.  It is comforting and it connects me to the outside world.  I have very few friends, and all but one live very far away from me, so being connected to the outside world is important.

My second hospital stay I left feeling like I could cope, could handle life, again.  That I have a future once again and have plans to make for it. And that wonderful feeling has lasted up to now, where I am again feeling my world slip out from under my feet as I slide down down down again.  Will this ride never end?

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Comments on: "I’m Back (Pt. 2)" (11)

  1. It’s impossible to remain stable when there’s so much going on with your medications. As much as I love my bud, it’s really not enough, so I don’t think bud alone is the answer for most chronic conditions. But the best thing about bud is that you only have to see a doctor once a year (in most states). Because, you know, doctors suck.

    The fee for your card is too high. Many medical cannabis states are actually reducing this fee, but patients have to work to get it done. After my attempts to change things in the program in my state, I think I’ll leave the advocacy work to others who are more qualified.

    Colorado is the place to be. I was thinking today about how long it will take for me to save up enough to move. Years, I think, but I don’t know how many. Still, it’s something to look forward to. Hope you also find something to look forward to, Kat.

    Liked by 1 person

    • i was planning on moving to colorado myself in the near future, but i too ran into what you did-it takes way too long to save up and once you’re there, the cost of living is higher. i was really hoping to move there, but i probably wont be able to after all.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Some days, I think I’ll never save enough money to move. Other days, I think it’s possible. Nothing I can do but save and wait. Shall we try and be patient together? 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m digging deep to try to find something helpful/hopeful to say. I can only come up with “I understand.”

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m sorry what you’re going through, kat. All the outside stressors your experiencing would affect anyone. Top it off with the bipolar and it’s especially difficult, as we know. I’m wishing the best for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m really glad you got to be in the hospital during your depressive episode. And I’m so glad you were there over “the holidays,” as there’s no better prescription for suicide than loneliness and rejection by family during that joyous time of the year. I used to fantasize about traveling to some island where they didn’t do Xmas and all that, just for that part of the year, you know. Then I moved to Israel, and voila! No more Xmas, unless one traveled specifically to a monastery or something.

    I’m terribly sorry to hear about your son. I worked in Utah for two years, and that was enough. One day my son, who was in Middle School (they had missionaries posing as “teacher’s aides” there), came home and said, “Hey Mom, I learned where Jesus was during those three days he disappeared from his tomb!”

    “Oh really, where was that?” I replied absently, folding socks on top of the dryer.

    “He was in Utah, teaching the Indians about the angel Moroni!”

    I put the pair of socks down. “Where the hell did you hear that?”

    “It’s true, Mom! I learned it in my Utah History class.”

    One more trip to the Superintendent’s office. Did no good, of course, but you know.

    Anyway. I hope this turns out to be a really good thing for your son. Although I do roast them every chance I get, and although I find their quiet version of global jihad to be despicable, on the other hand I have had very dear Mormon friends and neighbors. My memories of my “110%” Mormon neighborhood are fondly cherished….like the time the neighbor boys played a little prank on a grumpy man they didn’t like: They collected a lot of dog shit in a paper bag, placed it on his front porch, lit it on fire, rang the doorbell and ran away to hide behind the guy’s hedge to watch when he came out and stomped on the flaming bag to put the fire out! Jesus.

    Liked by 2 people

    • although i have issues with the doctrine and dogma of LDS, i do not have issues with how they live and how they are so giving and supportive. My son has a purpose now and is guided by principles of love and kindness. He is my rock.

      my daughter is still lost, still finding her way. i know that, but the part about not talking to me is hard to accept. i recently sent her a gift, which she sent back to me. her pushing me away is devastating. i’m afraid if she stays away from me long enough, she won’t come back at all. that she’ll lose my contact info, bc i move or i’ll lose track of her because she won’t be with her dad, she’ll be in college or somewhere i can’t find her. and i can’t stand the thought of losing her forever. there is a gaping wound and my soul is slipping out, slipping away and i don’t know how long i can take it.

      Liked by 1 person

      • That is soul-killing pain. I wonder if your daughter has any idea at all? Now that your son is on steady ground, do you think he’d be able to help? And he’ll have your contact info always, right? So if she calms down and wants to get back in touch, her brother can give her your info? Do they talk?

        I hope I wasn’t offensive in my observations about Mormons. Today seems to be one of my “here, let me offend you!” days. On days like this, I should just eat another brownie and watch Betty Boop movies and wake up tomorrow and start over 😞

        Liked by 1 person

        • I was not offended by your Mormon comments. I am not a Mormon, (nor indeed am I any thing) and their story for how the only true church was established is indeed one of the more imaginative of all religions. and besides, every one is entitled to their opinion.

          ya, it was probably a good thing i was in the hospital for Christmas and New Year’s. Ya, my son will probably maintain contact with her, so you may be right about her being able to find me.

          all this has made me wonder if i should contact my own mother, whom i intentionally broke off contact with 8+ yrs ago. how can my daughter see that a mother can be forgiven if i don’t do it myself? on the other hand, how can I let myself be hurt again by my mother?

          Liked by 2 people

          • Interestingly, I’ve been grappling with the same issue. Being mostly rejected by my son has made me more sensitive to how it might feel to my own mother. I’m almost happy when she does nasty hurtful things in my direction whenever I give her the chance. Banishes my false hopes of ever having a real mother! Very sad, when she’s still alive and does not jump at the chance of having a child who would love her. Instead she loves my cousins, who flatter her and shower her with the kind of attention she craves. Whatever. I just wish my son would pull his head out of his ass and realize what a gift it is to have a mother who actually cares about him. Yes, I have been an asshole at times. Who hasn’t? At least I apologize and really try to do better. I hope our lost children get it figured out before it’s too late.

            Liked by 1 person

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