Growing into Me with Bipolar

So, as I posted previously I was in the hospital for most of November and most of January, with a small 3 week break between the two hospitalizations. The first time we ended up not changing meds and then the second time they added a bunch.

When I had the 3 week break between hospitalizations I came home to a wrecked home like a tornado had gone through it and my daughter having left without notifying me to her dad’s several states away.

My daughter left because we had a fight just before I went to the hospital. She says I said terrible things to her and that she can’t forgive me. I denied doing such a thing. I have no memory of what was said, just that we’d had a fight. That just made her more upset with me because she thought I was calling her a liar. Eventually I accepted that I must have done this terrible thing and I told her so, and I told her I was very sorry.

Unfortunately, the damage is done. She refuses to interact or communicate with me at all. It has been 11 months and I have made no headway in trying to convince her I am truly sorry. I don’t know how I am supposed to make it right when she won’t give me an opportunity to show her I can be trusted again.

This brings up lots of mixed emotions in me, and not just that I feel I have lost my daughter forever, but also issues with my own mother with whom I have been estranged for 9 years. If I want my daughter to give me a chance to rebuild trust, then maybe I have to do the same for my mother? But I don’t know if I can trust my mother with another (way more than second) chance, as she has squandered the many that I gave her. On the other hand, how else can I show my daughter that she should also give me a second chance if I don’t do it myself with my own mother?

My brain and heart are agonizing over this situation. I am slowly dying as my soul seeps out the wound left by my daughter’s refusal to interact with me. I am constantly thinking about either my daughter or my mother and nothing else. Every time I think about my daughter, I start to cry, whether it is a good memory or a bad one or about this situation and every time I think about contacting my mother I wonder if I will end up being abused again, but would it be worth it if it showed my daughter that if I can forgive so can she? I am, so to speak, wringing my mental hands non stop.

My insurance situation changed as well in that I lost half of it and am now responsible for that half myself out of my own pocket. Unfortunately this means I have to only go to the doctor when absolutely required, leaving smaller (but not less important) issues to wait. Like I cannot afford to have my blood drawn now or other similar tests like xrays.

So I am alone. My children are gone. My daughter has left me with a mortal wound and I cannot afford to take care of myself. And I don’t know what hope the future holds.


Comments on: "" (14)

  1. I hear you. I do hope that the things will work out for you somehow. You’re in my prayers. Hang in there

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I understand that you want to do whatever you can to reconnect with your daughter, but re-entering an abusive relationship is not the way to go, no matter who it’s with. If you have issues that you want to work out with your mother, separate that from what’s going on with your daughter. They’re similar relationships, but still different.

    What else can you do but apologize? What do you think your daughter expects you to do? Walk on hot coals to prove that you’re sorry and you love her? Is your whole relationship over because of this one incident? That doesn’t sound like love. Maybe your daughter doesn’t understand yet that forgiveness is a part of love.

    I am also alone. It can be a very scary feeling, but it can also be very freeing. You’re not responsible for anyone else except yourself. You don’t have to conform, wear a mask, or do anything you don’t want to do. You are free to be yourself, wounded and poor, but also independent. I know that’s little consolation, but all you can do is hope that your daughter’s abandonment will not be permanent. (Try to hope, not obsess.)

    How’s your roommate situation?

    Liked by 1 person

    • yes apparently my whole relationship with my daughter is over. i have not had any kind of communication with her since Christmas. I have sent her things and she has returned them unopened. I have emailed her many times to no avail. She will not tell me what would help make her want to try to trust me again. So I don’t know what to do.

      I don’t have a problem being on my own and independent. For instance I have no problem with my son being in Chile for 2 years as a missionary, because there is no bad blood between us. I don’t mind where he goes or what he does, and I do what I want, because I know we are good and can interact when we choose. But having your daughter just cut herself out of your life is a little different. It isn’t so easy to say goodbye when it’s forever, and there’s bad blood between the two. The separation is smooth and clean and easy when it’s voluntary (like with my son). But when it’s involuntary, it’s a rupture, a bursting, and a dying of something important, a part of you. How can you not think about that when that is what you are experiencing 24/7? When you are hemorrhaging your life substance out of the hole that is left? I can’t just turn it off. I can’t just give up on her, and that means the wound stays open. How can I harden my heart the way I have to my mother to my own daughter in order for me to seal the wound? I can’t do that! I can’t treat her like my mother, because she is not like my mother, so I can’t just say, ” I’m gonna just cut her out and give up and move on”.

      Liked by 3 people

      • You’re not cutting her out — your daughter is cutting you out. I’m not suggesting you give up on her, but I am hoping that you won’t let it tear you apart. I was reading someone else’s blog just a minute ago who was also talking about a bad relationship with a parent. I thought these words were enlightening:

        “So you reshape yourself over and over again, you shamelessly grovel and beg to please in the hopes of forgiveness. Buy hey, if it allows you access back into the fold, you’ll sell your soul.”

        I just don’t want you to sell your soul, that’s all.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Spanglish Jill said:

    I’m sorry to hear about your estranged relationships with your mom and daughter. I think it would be worth the effort communicating with your mom to set a good example for your daughter.
    Easier said than done, but I still think it’s worth the effort. Saludos.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I totally hear you. I think you know I’m in a similar situation.

    I don’t think you need to wake up the sleeping dog that is your mother if you don’t genuinely want to. If you really do, that’s another story. I’d be kinda careful, since your brain is very fragile and it would be awful to precipitate a crisis merely to mollify your daughter.

    All you can do is to sincerely apologize. After that, the ball is in your daughter’s court. It may help to send her a letter expressing your apology (again), and after that, all you can do is wait. Maybe she’ll grow up enough to make contact.

    Have you spoken with the social worker at your hospital? They may be able to help with your insurance issues. Are you on Medicare? SSDI? Many states have special assistance programs for people who can’t afford their healthcare.

    Liked by 2 people

    • its the waiting part that is unbearable, because my door is still open while i wait.

      yea im on medicare and ssdi, but i won my child support arrears case and now im over limit to get medicaid.. so now i have to pay copays, coinsurance, deductibles and premiums and i lost free transportation to medical appointments as well.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Wow, kat, when it rains it pours. So sorry to read about the situation with your mom and daughter. As others have said, I don’t suggest going to your mom unless you sincerely want to mend the relationship. Otherwise you’re setting yourself up for a fall.

    As Laura said, the ball is in your daughters court. In AA we talk about keeping our side of the street clean. That’s what you’ve done. You’ve tried to communicate and send her gifts and make amends. What you can’t control is what she does in return. She knows the door is open, it’s up to her to walk through it.

    You’re in my thoughts.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you, Bradley. That really was what I needed to hear, or wanted to hear, or both. I am on the fence about trying to mend fences with my mom; part of me really wants to connect, but the rest of me is afraid she will return to her abusive ways if we re-contact her. But I thought it might be a role-modeling for my daughter to see me do it, then maybe it would plant a seed that she might think about it also.

      I like how you put it, ‘keep our side of the street clean’-I feel I have done that. But it seems she thinks it isn’t enough. She turns 18 Sept 10, and I won’t be able to know where she is then. I will lose her, if she doesn’t ‘throw the ball back to me’. But I will try and be mindful anyway that there is nothing more I can do.

      Liked by 2 people

      • When my son was giving me fits as an adolescent I started going to various 12-Step meetings, mostly Co-Dependents Anonymous and Al-Anon, just to have some support of some kind. So I learned the Serenity Prayer in its simplest form, and lately since my son has decided I’m someone to shit on, I’ve been practically reciting it as a mantra. Especially accepting that I can’t change this, I can’t change this, I can’t change this. Only he can change it, and until then, I’m going to have to try to put that hole in my heart somewhere, I don’t know where, but it can’t eat my heart up, this much I know. Sometimes I wish I was more of a God person, but I’m not.

        Kat, please know I’m here for you, I’m rooting for you.

        Liked by 3 people

        • wow, that really hits home. I have often thought of the serenity prayer myself (not as much as i need to, obviously). You and all of you who have commented are right–i know this–the ball is in her court, i must accept how things are, and i must do something with the hole in my heart…the thing is, i just don’t know what to do with it!! I will keep working on acceptance of the situation.

          thanks, laura

          Liked by 2 people

          • You’re welcome. Boy, the hole in the heart thing–I fight that demon all day long. That fucking empty hole. Just a little while ago I turned over the picture of the three-year-old I once had, his arm around our kitty who adopted him at birth and was his cat for the next 11 years. I just couldn’t bear to look at that, so I turned it over and told him, “when you get your head out of your arse far enough to realize that I did my best, and that’s all we can do…and when you wake up to the fact that you aren’t exactly perfect either, and that you totally controlled your situation, then let me know and I’ll turn your picture back around.” I know it’s extreme, but I feel that major surgery is necessary if this malignant tumor that is eating his heart up needs to be excised. Or so I’m feeling, at this moment. So yeah, it’s a grief process, except without the closure of death, God forbid. In a way it’s worse than a death, because there is no finality. We are the walking dead ourselves, and they go free. Or maybe not. Maybe they are eaten up by obsessing upon our misdeeds. Perhaps they are mourning their walking-dead parents. Let’s keep on keepin’on, Kat. All we can do now is to find things that fulfill us, and grow as people.

            Liked by 1 person

            • That’s it exactly…everything you just said is RIGHT ON. Especially about it being worse than a death. The hole in the heart that even distraction and awareness that one cannot change the situation persists and we are continually rewounded by just memories.

              I am a little closer to keeping keepin’ on now.

              Thank you

              Liked by 1 person

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