Growing into Me with Bipolar

Posts tagged ‘Acceptance’

Acceptance of That Which I Cannot Control

After years of denial, and many, many more years of anger at everyone else, of course I reached the bargaining stage.  I thought that since saying it wasn’t me with a problem didn’t work, and blaming it all on others around me didn’t work, and I was still stuck where I started, that bargaining would somehow set things right for me.  I accepted my illness, I treated my illness seriously, and everything, every small thing, I ever accomplished fell apart.  I was even behind square one.  Then came a long period of depression where I believed I would never get back to square one, much less anything beyond that.  Over the last 5 years, I have worked through the worst of the depression and started to feel like I was making progress again to having a normal, adult life.  Where I could have my own transportation, my own residence, and the little luxuries in life that make life more than survival (like cable, phone, internet).  But now I have finally reached the final stage, acceptance, and I see I am never going to to have those things.  I am never going to have what someone expects to have when they grow up.  I’m going to have to rent a room, give up my car, and maybe still give up cable, phone, internet.  I don’t want to struggle just for the basics anymore.  I don’t want to have to settle for just getting the basics.  But now I look back and I see how I’ve never made any lasting progress, never achieved anything worthy, and I can finally see  that I will never have anything.  That my life is to just struggle endlessly for only enough to eek by.  I don’t know why.  I don’t know what I have done.  I don’t know why I can’t change it by working hard.  But I finally see that no matter what I do, or how hard, or how long, I’ll always stay at square one.  Acceptance.   So, ya, there’s that one too.   At least with acceptance, the conflict is gone, no more struggle in my head over what I need to work for, what I deserve for what work I do, and what I end up getting instead.  Now, with Acceptance, I just don’t argue anymore.  Wasted effort, wasted struggle.  Just skip right to the part where I agree my life will always suck and that’s just the way it will always be.    There is no more point to anything, no more reason to ‘be there’ or to ‘hang on’.  No more struggling, no more crying.  Just admit I’m a piece of flotsam floating on the surface of the ocean with no influence or control over the situation at all.

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