Growing into Me with Bipolar

Posts tagged ‘Child support’

Just Sitting Here, Staring at the Christmas box, Waiting for…What?

xmas box


So, I keep watching that box full of my sparse Christmas decorations, waiting for it to spring out and find its way to my walls, curtain rods, door jambs and yes, finally to a fully decorated tree in front of the window (but only a 4′ one).  But nothing is happening.  The box just keeps sitting there, although I think I am seeing out of the corners of my eyes, when not looking at it directly, small movements, shadows flitting, and other sounds artificial trees make when moving about.

small xmas tree


I know eventually, I am going to have to actually go to the box, and start to put things together and nail them up.  But I am in this nice little cloud, where I feel like I am floating, but if I try to get up and do things in the real world, I am heavy and slow and plodding and it feels like I expend all my energy on each movement I undertake, even just to fill up my water bottle.  I prefer to stay on my little cloud, feeling light and free, without worry, without hurry.  xmas wreath

The boxes will still be there when I am ready.

AN UPDATE:  My ex has never contacted me since the nite we discussed, with my daughter, my daughter’s moving to her father’s. He said he would contact me the following day, but…..well, there ya go.  But he HAS been talking to her.  She still wants to move in with him and they are still talking about it.  But he has not contacted me in any way at all, and I have decided that since I have custody, I will be keeping my daughter here, with me, the parent she has spent all but 18 months with, because she IS my daughter.  Because this is a time I need to PUT MY FOOT DOWN.  Because she and I both need to WORK on our relationship–not RUN from it.  Because this is one of the last times I can show her how much I LOVE her, how to grow a relationship and persevere and NOT run.  Because I am her MOTHER, and I won’t just let her run away.  I WILL show her that I WILL NOT give up on her, no matter what.

And, I have really made a major jump in therapy, and I have been able to not have any arguments with her (she says we might have still had 3 small ones), to not yell at her, etc.  We have been able to be calm with each other since the night we and her father discussed her moving to his home.  And, I think I am only getting better at staying calm and not reacting and that it will just keep improving.  So, the very thing she didn’t like, that she said scared her, that made her want to live with her dad, I am finally gaining control of….So, our relationship can only improve, right?  Right! So, no giving up.

Of course, if he REALLY wants to have her move in with him, he can always go to the courthouse and get the forms needed to ask for change of custody, visitation, and parenting time  and child support/back child support of our daughter.  And then he’d have to hire an attorney to represent him here in AZ, since he is now in OR.  And that would cost money.  And we all know how much he enjoys spending money on anything but himself….so, um, ya.  Not thinking that that is very likely to happen.  I may be wrong, but I don’t think so.modificationofcustparentingnplan


I Think I’m a Bad Bad Girl

So, y’all probably know I’m moving on Monday, so we are packing starting today.  And y’all probably know I’m all wonky from switching meds and its not working right now.uhaul

So, I found out I could take a Title Loan that I already had and have it refinanced at a different Title Loan company for less interest and shorter terms.  Plus, a little bit more cash too, for the deposit on the new apartment.  So, I really wanted to get this done today, so all my ducks would be in a row on Monday.  But they needed 3 personal references.  Well, as it turns out, I don’t actually know 3 people on a ‘personal’ level.  I mean, I know doctors, and nurses, and clinicians, and other caregivers.  But I only know 2 people who are actually willing to say they know me, they are not caregivers, and they think I’m reliable enough to give a Title Loan to.  So, that about shot my whole day, and burst every bubble I had left, and I about lost it right that moment.50percent-less  So, eventually, after 3 hours, and after running through my cell phone contact list for the nth time, I finally thought, “Why don’t I call my Case Manager at my Mental Health Clinic, and maybe she will do it,” following the logic that my Case Manager is someone who can help me access resources in the community, and stand up to say I’m a real person, and do it professionally, because it is a way of advocating for me, a way of getting me resources, etc.  So, I took a big breath and a big chance, and I called her up at the clinic, and she was actually in (!!) and so I asked, and she was very nice and said, “Sure”, right away.  I was so thrilled.  But then, after I hung up, I told the agent she could call my CM at the clinic to verify me,  and the agent says, “No, it has to be a call the agent makes to the other person’s reference’s cell phone or home phone.”  So, I call back to the clinic, get my CM, and tell  her that, and she is suddenly very displeased, maybe distant sounding.  Not exactly angry, or mad, but not happy.  She tells me she never gives her numbers out to clients, so I say, that’s ok, I don’t mind that, I get that.  And I do.  But how was I going to get this to work now?  So, the agent person finally agrees to talk to my CM on my cell at the clinic just to get my CM’s cell number and then call her back to prove it was her.  So, that was it, I got the money then.

But right away, I felt so so bad.  I knew right away I had crossed the line, expecting others to do things for me that I don’t have a right to expect.  Pushing whatever relationship I have with someone to the edge, just milking it to get absolutely everything I can from it.  Sucking them dry.  Abusing them and taking advantage wherever I see I can.  I know she must be mad at me now, I know she must think badly of me.  She is probably really thinking how she went so out of her way to help me on Thursday, by getting me in to an ER appointment at the clinic for my meds being wrong on Monday that I just took that from her, and now I’m just take take taking by getting her to be a reference to my Title Loan. sad pony How can I be a grown up woman and only know 2 people (personally) who will admit to knowing me and thinking that I am not a serial killer?  My ex wouldn’t even answer his phone, my only living family (the elderly sisters who are my  cousins, whom I recently saw, and whom have now been bullied, threatened and intimidated to not talk to me by my step mom) refused to answer the phone as well…because they knew it was me by the caller ID.  So, those 3 people, step mom, cousins, and ex…not one would be a reference for me to get a Title Loan.  So, I have only 2 people who even admit to knowing me, and to thinking I’m an ok human being.

And now, I know, I’m not a good person.  I’m nothing but a bother, a burden.  And I just can’t stop taking, pushing people further and further away because I just don’t know when it’s too much.  I should have known not to call my CM.  I should have known before I tried that it was inappropriate, that it was a violation of the client relationship thingy, that I was crossing too many boundaries.  And now, I’ve been bad.  Very bad.  I know I’m very naughty.  I feel so guilty about this.

Maybe I can quit thinking of this while I make myself pack for our move on Monday.  Think I’m gonna go to bed soon–not feeling very manic tonight (finally, ffs!) since I have been up for the last several days but not able to be organized or productive.

Eeny meeny miny mo....

Eeny meeny miny mo….

well time to head off to bed 🙂

Metabolic Weight Loss, Instability, Regrets and the General Pointlessness of Things

So, I am partway way through my 3rd week of 4 of Metabolic Weight Loss nutrition and exercise program.  Have I lost any weight?  No, I had lost 1 lb, but then I switched from Lithium to Depakote, whose side effect turns out to be salt and water retention!  No kidding!  I jumped out of the frying pan  (lithium) just so that I could jump into the fire ( depakote).  Stopping the lithium was supposed to stop the ‘voltage dependent drug-induced R(enal) T(ubular) A(cidosis)’ that was characterized by my body thinking lithium was Salt, and wasting the real Salt instead, leaving way too much Potassium in the body that can’t bind with lithium like it is supposed to do with real salt.  So, my nephrologist was in agreement with me that since the lithium was so effective in stabilizing me, then we should stay on it as long as possible.  However, my psychiatrist felt that it was imprudent to do that, and really pushed and pushed for me to change off the lithium to anything else.  So, after like 6 months, I finally gave in to her and agreed to switch to depokate.

Well, we expected the hyperkalemia (excess potassium) to resolve, since my body would not be wasting its own real salt anymore since there would be no lithium to trick it.  So, all my symptoms were supposed to recede and be ‘normal’ again.  But what ended up happening is that my feet just grow bigger and fatter and more and more painful all the way up to just under my knees.  I look like I’m walking on big giant stubs.    Sleeping or putting them up does little to nothing to help them go down.  I had to fight with my psychiatrist and my nephrologist just to get an earlier appointment to see my nephrologist sooner.  Then my Case Manager at my mental health clinic insisted I acknowledge how she had made it all come together so I could see my nephro sooner, because she talked my psychiatrist into talking to my nephro about the swelling issues.  Except, I saw my nephro yesterday, and he had never heard of either my case manager or my psychiatrist or my clinic and the only reason I got in to see him earlier was because he heard my messages and was concerned about what I described going on.  So, my new case manager is not just trying to grub for acknowledgement and validation from me, her client, but she also lies about what she does ( and probably about what she doesn’t do, too).  Neither she nor my psychiatrist had anything to do with me getting my nephro to see me sooner.  It was ALL me!  That means, I am really failing to be getting the help and support of my psych team and they are not doing any of the communication between providers that they are supposed to do and the follow up too.  That means I am doing all the coordination and pushing and organizing all on my own.  So what good is it to be determined as SMI (Seriously Mentally Ill) and then being told to go to ma particular clinic for all your cares so that everything will be coordinated and followed up on so you, as a SMI person, will not have to fight the system with each interaction or symptom or whatever.  So that you, the disabled person, will supposedly be getting help to do and stay on top of all these things and not have to get stressed out and can concentrate on getting better, more stable, more ready to return to work or volunteering, etc.  But they don’t.  They just keep pretending and taking all the credit and leave you to fight all the battles on your own just like as if you had no SMI designation or had no Disabled designation, or were a regular working person contributing to the community with little more than small issues to be dealt with, not the large ones of Bipolar, Schizophrenia, etc.  But now that I am recognized as disabled and SMI, I have no choice to what services I can receive.  I am forced to go to 1 out of 1 clinic, and I am forced to work with the ‘team’ I am assigned (Psychiatrist, Nurse, Case Manager, and, on some teams, you even have to accept the primary care doc that is on your team–you can’t even go out into the community to choose your regular doc!  Every doc you see must be in the clinic is where they are going with this.  They even have a pharmacy you must use in the clinic as well).  And now, I have no choice over any healthcare providers at all.  I am lucky they have not yet put me on a team with a primary care doc, or a nephro specialist.

So, anyway, back to the original point.  I finally got thru to my nephro that I needed him to see me, and he did.  He is such a great and awesome doc–my best doc by far.  Wish he could be my doc for everything!  So, he is concerned that my body is not recovering like it should be.  Now that the fake salt, lithium, is out of my system, I should hold a normal amount of salt in my system to bind with the potassium.  They should both be at about the same ratio.  I should not have to worry about the hyperkalemia anymore, nor should I have to worry about hypernatremia.  But, I am definitely having hypernatremia issues—that is, way way too much salt leading to this huge swelling.  This should not be happening, except there is a rare possibility that I am having a a rare side effect of the new med, the depakote. Once in a great while, some people get the side effect of intense swelling and salt retention.  Hah!  I let them talk me out of taking a med that we had gotten well controlled that worked wonders for my stability, just so I could avoid the future potential pitfalls of that med on my kidneys, and now I’m on a new med, which is not causing me heart and liver issues by retaining salt and water!   And now, this is not well controlled the way the lithium and its side effects were.  And the depakote is not stabilizing me as well as the lithium was either.

So, back to the original point.  How am I expected to stay and maintain a healthy weight, a healthy body, and a healthy attidude and move forward in my mental health recovery when this is what I’m dealing with?  I can’t lose weight cause all the mood stabilizers have that as an effect.  Most of them also have really bad effects on me like the lithium leading to the kidney problem and the depakote leading to the heart problem.  And if I’m forced to keep gaining weight, and I am having difficulties with all the related side effects, then how would I be able to lose weight, even with the metabolic stuff?  And if I can’t stay sane and lose weight and deal with the heart and or kidney or whatever other issues would happen….then how am I supposed to stay positive enough to move forward and become a productive citizen again?  Is it the illness, the side effects, the meds, or the complications…that keep me disabled?  That keep me from being a useful human being again?  And damn it, I am tired of suffering and tired of my life never being able to move ahead.  Tired of being unable to do things.  Tired, so tired.  Something has got to give.  No matter what I do to get better, something else is sacrificed to make it happen.  So there is always something never getting better.

And I am not the mother I thought I could be, and I am barely holding on to life for my kids.  No, really, I mean if my ex misses one support payment because he changes jobs, or something else, we could end up on the street.  And I am certainly not capable of raising a family like that for the next 2 years.  I couldn’t even take care of me in that state for a month.  I live in fear of this every month.  I just found out my ex is moving to California from Az, where we all currently have been.  But his agency can’t find him computer programming work in Az, so they found him a spot in a place in Cali.  But he’s not happy with it, it won’t meet the cost of living changes.  And he’ll be looking for a new job once he’s there.  When he switches jobs, a new court order must be petitioned by me, then the court takes several months from time of filing to rule on it, then the court orders the employer to hold the money and pay it to the state the custodial parent is in.  Then the state processes the funds and distributes them to me.  So, if he even misses one normal payment of the 2x/mo….we are evicted.  We lose our car insurance and can’t drive.  Our house of cards falls apart.

So, I think I have made mistake after mistake, leading to a tenuous existence from which my grip will surely slide sooner or later.  I should never have quit working.  I should never have stopped the lithium.  I should never have gone down this path.  Where to go now, to start over or push on, I don’t know.

My Failure (Most Recent, That Is)…

I have failed with my son.  He became interested in a particular church (some say cult) and I thought I was being smart and open-minded to allow him to stretch his wings and be independent.  I thought it would be a harmless foray from which he would soon emerge, with another church interest, or just another interest altogether.  You see, his father, (my ex), and I are not religious, and raised our kids to think independently for themselves, rather than just allow someone to tell them how to think.  So you’ll understand when I became quite alarmed when he decided to allow the church to think for him.

Not just that, but he refuses to accept facts about the world–eg it is extremely difficult to move out of a ghetto because there are no or few social or family resources that give a person the ability to move into another socio-economic status.  Basically, if you have nothing, its hard to go anywhere else.  And if you stay where there is nothing, chances are you will not move out anytime soon.  That point he absolutely refused to accept.  I tried to go over it again and again, that it is not a choice to live in a ghetto–it is just very hard to get out of.  No one chooses to live in a ghetto, or to stay there.   He said he refused to believe that some people don’t have the opportunity to get out, that all people had equal opportunity to do so, and just failed.  But to me, the key here was that the truth of the situation is that many people never do get that chance, and they are stuck there.  He just simply refused to believe that some people may not get that chance.  He said all people get the same chance to get out and he would never believe me that chance is not distributed equally to everyone, because the church says god give everyone a chance.  I ended up telling him that I raised him to think independently by NOT sticking his head in the sand and blocking out information about the world and allowing himself to become an ostrich who only accepts what the church tells him.  I was very upset, near tears.  And he was none too happy with me either.

I have failed because he is choosing to block out valid information about the nature of the world we live in.  I have failed because he is turning to an (extremely cult-like) church to have it think for him about the nature of our world.  I have failed because I neither supported him (meaning to provide love while also not arguing with him), nor did I succeed in coaxing or encouraging him to be more open-minded and not deny information just because it isn’t spoon-fed to him by the church.  So, I have failed in all ways as a mother to make him independent, one who thinks for himself.   And I have failed also in providing him with unconditional love and respect (even tho he is being close-minded).

I am still so frustrated and upset with him!  But I am now also so disappointed with myself.  I failed to be the kind of mother I wanted to be, the kind of mother I wished I’d had.  I have lost my son, and I am losing my self-respect as a mother.  I have failed at the only job I ever had, the only job that really matters.  I am worthless now.   I hope I don’t fail with my daughter too.  I feel like I want him to leave, to move out, to get out of my face, because he won’t accept reality, and because I know I can’t make him see reason.  It really angers me that he is being so close-minded.  I wish I could send him to his dads to live for the next year–but then I would have to move to a smaller place since I would lose child support for him, and that would make me break my lease and I just can’t afford all that.  But I still wonder if it might come to that.


Thoughts I Am Tired of Thinking

I’m having trouble finding the good in things, finding a reason to hope for yet another day.  It’s this crazy, faithful and persistent bad luck I have.

On a positive, the child support finally came thru, so I’m not in danger of losing power or anything else.  On a both positive and negative, I am viewing smaller 2bedroom apartments.  This is a negative because it obviously involves the entire process of moving, what with the packing, sorting, lifting, loading, driving, unpacking, unloading, lifting and of course the cleaning of the old place.  It is also a negative because we will, in order to save money so we never get trapped like the thing with the child support again, be downgrading from a 3 bedroom, so 1 for each of us, to a 2–where my daughter and I will be sharing.  At first she was ok with that (we had done it before a few years ago), but now she is upset about it because apparently that would mean I am taking away her safe place.  I don’t know what to do with that.  There really isn’t anything I can do to avoid it, short of giving up the entire room and sleeping on the couch for the next few years.  I feel kind of guilty now, like I don’t deserve to even have a bed or a semi private sleep space, like I shouldn’t want that.  Like I should be happy I have a couch, and not want more.    The positives of this upcoming move are that at least we’ll have more disposable income, so we can enjoy more things like eating out and going to movies.

And then there is my ever present bad luck.  Wish I didn’t have any luck at all, cuz its always bad luck.  So, yesterday I am picking my daughter up from a birthday party at a church, when the pick up in front of me, which had just turned to the left following the lot, suddenly reversed and smashed right into me as I was behind him and hadn’t started the turn to the left yet. Now there will be the whole investigation, determination of fault (and even tho I know it wasn’t my fault, I’m terrified they will say it is).   So, in my life, threre is NEVER anything positive that a) should never have happened at all or b) isn’t followed by an equally negative event.  So,  in my life, things are always heavier on the negative side of the scale than the positive.  All I want is for it to be balanced once in a while without automatically being followed by another negative.  Is that really too much to ask for?

So, for me, nothing good ever goes unpunished.  And I’m tired of it.  And I’m having a really hard time seeing a silver lining, or finding hope that the next day won’t be as bad, and I just really really want to fall asleep and not wake up to another day of bad luck.  Does everyone really have to work this hard just to survive, much less live life?  Or is this just a ‘gift’ given to those of us who have already suffered the most?  Cuz if it is, I want to give it back.  I never asked for this and I don’t want it anymore.

Holding Pattern

I am in a holding pattern til Monday.  I am ‘holding off’ using my secret weapon.  I am ‘holding off’ feeling depressed and hopeless (although I am pretty sure its still there underneath, seeping through).  I am ‘holding off’ relaxing, enjoying, feeling safe.  I don’t know what will happen and I have no control over it either.  The whole situation with DCSE (child support agency) is still ongoing.  I had thought it would end when April ended.  When I found a way to get through it.  But it didn’t.  DCSE is STILL  refusing to pay me the support my ex has sent in.  5 payments and they won’t give me even 1 of them.  Their entire job mission is to procure the support monies and give them to the custodian of the children.  Yet they continue to accept the payments R (my ex) makes and still won’t send them to me.  They even admitted they made a mistake putting the payments on hold, and they don’t know why it happened.  Now, their excuse is, well, the work order to remove the hold is not a priority–as a matter of fact, it is at the bottom of the list of work orders, so that the ones turned in before it will all be processed first.  So they don’t even have an idea of when they will start paying me the payments R sends them.

My case manager from my mental health clinic is going to do a conference call with me and them Monday, to see if we can get the work order expedited.  If that doesn’t work, we are going straight downtown to the main DCSE office immediately, and R agreed to meet us there as well (so they cant use the excuse that it concerns his information and thus they can’t speak with me about it).  He wants this solved, because he pays his payments and wants them to get to us.  And he doesn’t want to have to pay them and then turn around and pay us also, since we don’t get the payments.  And he doesn’t want his kids to lose power, food, transportation, plus the little things like tv and phone and internet.

So, here I am all this week, waiting….’holding off’ on bad feelings,  ‘holding off’ on good feelings, ‘holding off’ on paying bills (because I only have a little money and have to choose carefully which ones get paid in case I don’t get any money from DCSE or any cash from R.).  So I’m waiting to exhale, so to speak….Waiting to see what Monday brings.  Will it bring a resolution where DCSE admits this is an urgent issue and should/will be handled right away, giving us a hard date as to when we should see a payment?  Or will it bring more of the same of what they have already done….more excuses, no information, no satisfactory resolution, leaving me and my kids in fear of not eating or of not having any power or transportation for an indeterminate amount of time….Again?

I am in a ‘holding pattern’ of not looking forward to it being resolved, so part of me doesn’t want to go there for fear my hopes will be dashed (yet again).  I am in a ‘holding pattern’ of wanting it over with because I can’t stand the not knowing, the wondering, the waiting….so I want to have it done already so I know how I should feel, so I know what I should do, what the situation is.  Finding out is terrifying; not finding out is terrifying;  the thought of even having my hopes dashed again is almost as terrifying as if that is what happens.  I can’t stand this anymore.  I can’t live like this anymore.  And since it is not in my power to change it, there is only one thing I can change.  But I have to wait until after the meeting Monday.  So, I continue in my ‘holding pattern’.

Nope, I was too optimistic

This post may be *Triggering*

This post may be *Triggering*

Hello again, from your friendly neighborhood bad luck magnet.  In a recent post I said I thought I had finally quit falling, and that soon I would be able to start climbing up out of that deep hole we spiraled into due to DCSE (Child Support office) failing to send any of the payments my ex has made for the last 2 months to me.  Well, as usual, I was way too optimistic in thinking that the downward free-for-all had halted.  They are still refusing to send any of the payments he has made on to me.  They said they will get to it when they get to it.  They fulfill requests as they receive them, and paying me once in 2 months, well, that is just at the bottom of the list.

I’m right on that edge, wobbling as I look down.  It won’t take much to tip me just enough.  Just a little, gentle nudge would do it.  I talked to my case manager at my mental health clinic, to see if she could do a conference call with me to DCSE (so she can talk for me when I get so frustrated I start to scream, so hopeless I can only manage to cry).  So, we are going to do that on Monday, and, G (my case manager) even suggested that if that call doesn’t get me a solid answer to when I will get paid my over due support, that we should immediately after the call go to the main DCSE office in downtown Phoenix and talk to someone in charge face-to-face until we get a solid answer of ‘if not now, then when’ and to get it in writing.  G even said to me she feels that this situation is a true emergency, not just for me, but for the kids.  No one can live without funds for 2 months, and then be told to keep doing it indefinitely. I even managed to convince R (the ex) that if he was also to go to the office with us, they might be more likely to actually address and resolve the situation than if it was me alone.

They are Child Support Enforcement!!  Their main mission is to “ENFORCE THE NON CUSTODIAL PARENT TO PAY SUPPORT, AND TO DISTRIBUTE THIS PAYMENT TO THE CUSTODIAL PARENT in order to ensure the children can live adequately.”  Well, NEWSFLASH!!!!  The children will very soon not be living adequately!!!  If I don’t get child support in, like, oh, a week,  then we will just only be able to pay rent.  NO food,  NO phone, internet, tv.  No car insurance ie no transportation.  But we’ll be fine, right?  After all, what else could POSSIBLY  go wrong?  OH, wait.  I forgot we were talking about me.


Sleep is the only time when everything is ok.  I wish I could sleep always.

And yet, I am afraid to go to sleep, because I am afraid of waking to yet another new and  excruciating day.

Crawling Back Up Again

Well, the free-fall spiraling down seems to have hit a plateau.  Now, to climb back out again and try to get back to where I was before this.  The immediate good news is my ex did end up giving us some cash to tide us over til the support check is finally released to me.  Of course, I had to sign a paper saying I would repay the cash amount when the support is finally disbursed.  But, whatever…So, I was able to pay the bills —of course,  I had to walk a 2 mile round trip to get to the gas station to buy the money orders (remember, I’m in the desert near Phoenix, so its already quite warm).  And I was able to buy food as soon as my car insurance was reinstated–which was yesterday evening.

I called DCSE (Child Support offices) but they wouldn’t tell my why they were not disbursing my payments.  They said the ex had to call, that it concerned him.  So, he did, just this past Monday.  Turns out, they only just got the memo that he was applying for a passport (he applied in January, met the requirements to obtain it, and has already been to China and back by March), and they hadn’t gotten the subsequent ones, so they thought he wasn’t allowed to go and so they for some reason decided it would be a good idea to make the children suffer for his wanting a passport by not paying it out to me.  So he explained he had already gotten his passport and done all the things he was required to do to get it, and had already been on his trip and returned, and that it made no sense to stop sending the money he is paying to his kids who are supposed to be getting it.  So they looked into it again, and VOILA!  Lo and Behold, there was absolutely NO REASON for them to be holding my disbursements of his payments for last 2 months and THEY DONT EVEN KNOW WHY THEY PUT A HOLD ON IT IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!

So, basically, DCSE randomly decided to hold my payments for 2 months, even tho the ex was making the payments.  So, FOR NO APPARENT REASON,  DCSE almost got me and the kids evicted, homeless, and without transportation or food.  Actually, I still haven’t received my first payment.  They said Monday that I should have it by 5 days.  But I didn’t get anything so far, and its Saturday—6 days.   So, the ex is gonna have to call them back and demand they make a payment to me AGAIN!

Even though I haven’t got a payment yet, things are at least not getting worse.  I can drive again, and we have food and power.  So, at least that’s something.  I have decided to move to a 2 bdrm (me and my daughter will have to share one) so that then I will not be spending all my Social Security payment on rent.  Instead, I’ll have some left after rent on a 2 bed (as opposed to now, where I have none left paying on a 3 bed).  So, what I have left will pay for the things I can’t be in fear of not having–like power, water, phone, car insurance.  That way, if anything like this ever happens again with the DCSE/child support not being paid to me, at least we won’t be in fear of losing everything.  The basics will be guaranteed.  So, this means a new project–apartment hunting (again!) and moving (ugh!  again!).  Our lease is up August 8, so I want to sign or put a deposit on something in early July.    I’m really, really hoping that spending less on rent will ensure that the basics will always be paid, no matter what happens with the support money.  I really hope this move will end up being worth it, and not just another huge waste of time, effort and money.  again.

Oh, and just in case you start to get any ideas that things are looking up and no problems are on the horizon, I remind you that I am THAT PERSON who ALWAYS  has bad luck.  Yep, today my son’s car started leaking some fluid.  We tentatively think it might be coming from the gas tank (which I just had the entire fuel system and carb replaced, so it BETTER NOT be from the gas tank!) But whatever is leaking, it can’t be good.  Can’t be cheap, altho even cheap at this stage is exorbitant to me.  We are still functioning on the bare minimum of everything.  So, of course, we escaped being evicted only to jump into a new fire of care repairs (also, AGAIN!).

Many of the days since my last post were very, very close to being the last.  And I just wanted to post this so everyone will know I’m still here (for today, anyway), even tho things haven’t exactly righted themselves, at least we have stopped sinking (for the moment).  And thanks to those who lent me their support and words.

Remember What I Said About My Bad Luck?

This post may be *Triggering*

This post may be *Triggering*

Im in a very negative space right now.  I think all the signs are pointing to telling me ‘now’s the time, go ahead’.  I haven’t received child support since March 4.  So, I have about $20 left.  So my car insurance has been cancelled, leaving me open to the state suspending my license and suspending my cars’ titles, for which they could also fine me hundreds of dollars each, plus making me get SR-22 for a time of their choosing.  And that’s just the first thing.  Next up to go are my TV and Phone, in 5 days.  Then, I can’t even afford to get bus passes now, so we can’t get anywhere–like to my appointments at the clinic next week, and to my therapy.  So, my ex insists DCSE has taken the support out of his last 3 checks, and he doesn’t know why I haven’t received it.  So I call DCSE.  After about 30 minutes on hold, I get a fellow and tell him I think the payments have been lost in the system.  He puts me on hold to check it out and comes back.  He says, “Well, there was a development on your case concerning the other party (my ex), and so the financial department (of DCSE) is holding your payments until it is resolved.”  So, I asked what is this ‘development’?  He tells me it concerns the other party and by law that is all he is allowed to say, and that he sent an email to them requesting urgently that at least one of the payments be released to me.  He adds, if the financial department decides to release a payment to me, it will be at least 10-15 days from today.  He said he was sorry, but that was the most he could do.

So, we can’t get anywhere–no bus, no car, no cab….I’ve gathered all the coins from the couch and pennies from the maxed out credit card.  I’ve got $20.  I’ll lose TV and Phone in 5 days.  And electric the first week of May.  My case manager has no solutions–just keep calling DCSE.  My therapist is trying to call places like my electric and see if they’ll work something out (I already called all my bills and explained the situation–none offered any help, except to explain what fees I will incur by not paying on time).  I can’t buy food.  And food boxes are not exactly well balanced in nutrition.  Plus, I can’t get to any of the food box locations to go get any.  I only get the 2 my case manager brings.  We got a lot of bread and canned beans this time.

I have two potential theories on why my payments are being held.  The first is that he made 3 extra payments in order to get his passport to go to China to see his fiancee.  So, they are counting those already made extra payments as payment for April, May and June.  If this is true, then that means, they won’t release anything to me until July.  How am I supposed to live without any income?  How is that GOOD for the kids? Why are they holding the money meant for the kids, and causing the kids who are supposed to get the money, to live in desperation with no electric, no transportation, no food?  Why are they forcing this to happen, when they are supposed to ensure that the kids are getting the money they need to live on?  The second theory is that my ex has made some kind of complaint to them against me concerning the manner in which I use the money.  Recently, we had a dispute, because I used the extra payments to buy my son a car (that both kids will use next year, and my daughter will the year after), and he had wanted me to use it to go toward a trip for my daughter to take.  I didn’t realize he had wanted me to use THOSE payments toward her trip, or I would have.  But I didn’t realize that, so I spent it on the car.  So, he was really, really angry at me, and hasn’t really spoken to me since.  So, I suppose it’s possible that he filed a complaint to them about how I use the money.  If this is true, and if they agree with him, it could turn out that they decide to put a Guardian Ad Litem in charge of my childrens’ monies, which means this Guardian would be in charge of how 2/3 of our household income is spent.  They wouldn’t even have to pay the bills (other than electric and food) if they think its not a necessary use of the childrens’ funds.  It would be up to them to pay any or any part of the bills.  And if this DOES happen, it could go on INDEFINITELY, with me having no control over what gets paid, when, except for the rent which uses up all my Social Security.

So, tell me again, why am I not using the final solution, the one I have in the palm of my hand?  If circumstances get ONE STEP worse, I will be in a shelter with my kids.  I’ll lose all my possessions I have gathered painstakingly over the last 4 years.  This is just about the end of the line.  Here’s the thing, if I just give the kids to my ex, all the issues with child support will stop.  All their needs will be met.  They won’t be going without food or electric or tv or internet.  They’ll be in a nice place, with all the things they need and also the others that are expected.  They’ll be with their dad.  And then it’s all fixed.  All taken care of.  But the longer I drag this out, the longer they will withhold the payments.  And the longer I keep the kids without yielding, the longer he will drag out this complaint.  All I have to do to fix everything is to give my kids to my ex.  All problems solved.  Except if I do do that, I have nothing left, nothing left to fight for, nothing at all.  Maybe I should go now, go quietly, and my kids will better off–not living like this with nothing, nothing but a shelter full of things that won’t work.  Maybe this is the best time.  By leaving now, all their problems get fixed, and life goes on….for everyone else.

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