why cant i feel? all through EMDR so far i have never once made a connection with emotion appearing and connecting with the issue i was thinking of during the EMDR. it has always been a very dry, clean, process. i think of something, we do EMDR, and i come to a new (for me) conclusion, then another and another, until i reel that the issue is resolved, where i dont have any negative or bad feelings when thinking of it. when i dont feel regret anymore, or revulsion, of hurt or when my body stops being tense or tight or painful.
apparently part of why i sabotage myself has to do with the fact that i dont feel. i mean, i guess i probably feel somewhere, but its so deep, so removed, mostly i just have only minute and superficial dealings with it. the kinds of interaction like where you smile when your kid hugs you, or when you see something on a tv show, or look at a birthday or friendship card. not the deep, real, true feelings. those kinds of interactions are so buried they are for all intents and purposes, nonexistent.
i guess i am supposed to figure out how to find them. then find out how to make sense of what i find. i mean, to me, thats like finding a book in a foreign language or in glyphs and you dont know the topics or where one part ends and another begins. so supposing i ever find the real emotions, what do i do then? how do i make it connect with me like it should? will interpreting these buried emotions really lead to less dissociation? to less self-sabotage? will it really help me live, not stagnate? this seems like a really big job, especially without a map. i could spend forever looking for them, and still never understand or connect to them. i am overwhelmed just pondering this new journey.
This post is not about any problems or troubles, or anything of the usual sort. It seems today I find myself in the position of not knowing what to do now that I have dealt with a lot of my issues. Now, I am not sure what to do or how to incorporate these resolved issues into the person who has been ill and not feeling well because of them. I kind of had it in the back of my head that I would spontaneously or magically feel better when the problems had been dealt with. Apparently, that is not how it works. I still feel the same as I did before I worked through these issues. But shouldn’t I feel, oh, I don’t know, happier? lighter? relieved? And shouldn’t I no longer be triggered? or reactive? to things I always have been that are related to the issues now solved? But the triggers aren’t gone, I am still reacting to them. So, what do I need to do to cause myself to be changed in some way (positively, I hope!) that will reflect my new truimphs and victories over these issues? To make myself be in some way different than the self that has always been, the self that has been traumatized and abused and triggered? I want to feel better, feel more positive, have more energy, and enjoy life. So now, what do I do to reap the benefits of working through my issues? How do I apply this success and change how I feel?
I have been in therapy, mostly just processing therapy, for over 10 years. The last year has been much more productive therapy as I’ve been using EMDR to work through my memories and issues. I’m about done with the EMDR, which should mean that I feel better somehow. But I just seem stuck and unable to incorporate or apply the new information into my brain. I’m still feeling the same depressed, still occassionally thinking about suicide, still tired and lethargic, still not able to cope with doing any kind of thing full time, like a job or school. When do I start improving? When do I get well?