I’m sorry, im sorry i lied to you. I’m sorry i lied to myself. I told myself it was the right thing to do, that it would be true. But everytime, i just dug myself a little deeper. And now, i’m so far down i know it’ll never be right, i’ll never fix it. I know i failed; i didn’t mean to lie–i meant it to be true. but now i see i’ll never be able to make it so, to fix it. I am a failure, everywhich way you look. All the things I thought I could do, wanted to do, when I started my life, seemed doable, seemed within my reach. I just knew that if i kept working, I would get everything I ever wanted. I surely couldn’t fail.
But as time went on, things were lost. At first, I thought, it’s ok…there’s still more time, it doesn’t matter yet. Some things I let go, some things I took off my list. This kept happening as time went on until the only things left on my list were myself and my kids. These now seemed to be the only things still possible to succeed at. The rest of my list has been erased. For the last 7 years I have devoted all my energy and all my many many neverending thoughts to making sure my kids had the best life, a life better than mine. I needed to do this to make up for all the mess I caused from being bipolar, from how I took away their wonderful, stable life, and now I have to make up for it by giving them better than what i had. But i am failing at this too, this last, only, goal. We have never lived in as nice apartments as I did. We are always scrimping and saving and never end up having anything. No going to movies, no eating out, no activities. We sit at home and don’t talk. We live in our own worlds and I am constantly reminded how I have failed to give them more than what I had, and that I was the one who took that from them in the first place.
The only other goal i still had left was myself. To be successful, to be somebody. To have a professional job, to be able to live comfortably and have some of the extras, to travel, to show my kids the world. But now i know I will never be that person; i will most likely never even work full time again, and even if i do work at all, it will be entry level, part time type of stuff. I will never make enough to take care of myself and my kids, to do the things I want to do.
So, all those times when things were bad, and i told my kids that it will get better, that things will change. That i, mom, will make it right. Those were all lies, lies that i desperately wanted to make true, that i hoped against hope that i could force them to be true, if i just worked hard enough, just tried more. But they were still lies, even though i covered my eyes with blinders in hopes of making them become reality. I am sorry. Sorry for all the lies. For never being enough. For never doing right for you. I’m sorry, so sorry. So sorry. I won’t lie anymore, or make any promises i won’t be able to keep. I won’t say I can make things right again. Because now i know they never will be right, no matter how much i try and how hard i work. Nothing will ever be ‘ok’ anymore, and I will quit trying to make it be.