Growing into Me with Bipolar

Posts tagged ‘Group home’

Safe: What It Means To Me


This post may be *Triggering*

This post may be *Triggering*

I think, most of the time, my ideas on Safety are not the same as most ‘normal’ people.

I finally realized, with a jolt, that to me safety means not being treated badly by the people in my life.  I realized that my late Dad was the only one in my life who never treated me badly.  Safety also means not being in fear of something that could happen.  When I am afraid of the power being shut off, I am not safe.  When I don’t feel safe, either of something or someone, I am under so much stress that I am triggered.  I am triggered in my Bipolar sense, and in my PTSD sense and sometimes in my DID sense.  When I am not safe, those are the results/actions/consequences.  I am working on learning to react appropriately, to not be triggered.

But I don’t know if I can keep going on like I have been.  I am always afraid.  I am never safe.  And with my special brand of bad luck, things never work out.  I really really believe that something has to change to make life tolerable.  Every day is such torture.  I want to just be safe.

For me, this means I really want be put in a mental health group home, or assisted living for mental health.  I just need to feel, to know, that I am safe.  Safe from people treating my abusively, safe from things that could happen (realistic fears, especially with my kind of bad luck).  I want to know my residence won’t be taken from me, or my food.  I want to know the people around me (staff, other residents) won’t hurt me.  I just want so badly to be safe for once in my life.  No matter how hard I have tried, I have never been safe.

And I feel such a relief thinking that I could be safe.  But I also feel like I am ‘a loser’ for wanting that, or ‘lazy’ for wanting that, or just worthless if I can’t manage to take care of myself  and meet my own needs.  I had a therapist 5 years ago (when I was going thru a major meltdown, divorce and custody battle, and job loss) who told me I would regret being placed in a group home, because I am too well.  I was really really not well when he said this.  And it just made me think I was being a baby, being lazy, wanting to be in a group home.  But I recently told  my current therapist that this is still what I think would be best.  And this time, I got agreement.  She agrees that it would be best for me and she said she will talk with my mental health clinic case manager (who is the one who would put in motion and follow it until the clinic made a decision) to see if she can recommend that I be placed.   I feel so relieved just after this conversation–even tho nothing has even been initiated yet.  And I also still feel that I must be lazy, a failure as a human being, to even think about wanting this.

So, kinda, safe means to me to be in a place where I know physically, financially, and emotionally, I will be safe.  Maybe, if I do this thing, move into a group home, I will finally be safe for the first time in my life.  Maybe, it will be the first time since I was 8, that I won’t have to consider dying every day, as the only way to be safe.  Maybe I’m wrong, and I really am a failure as a person, a parent.  But it still seems that this would be the right place even if that’s true.

Advertisements

Tag Cloud

Dearest Someone,

Writing about wellbeing

smilebe4tears

Keeping positive in a unforgiving world when you are different.

Killing Me Softly: Emotional & Psychological Abuse

Now that physical abuse is in the limelight and punishable by law, abusers have resorted to more insidious forms of control. The effects are just as destructive, more enduring, and more difficult to overcome.

Therapy Bits

Living life with dissociative identity disorder and complex ptsd

Brighton Bipolar

Adult Survivor of Child Abuse and Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder - Working towards ending the stigma of Mental Illness

Seachy Waffles On. A chronic way of life!

The ups and downs of 21st Century life as a disabled dad. This is an honest account of my successes and failures and what I have learnt from them. How my disability has shaped my future, my neverending journey towards acceptance and a little bit of sarcasm and humour along the way. I have been battling Chronic Pain for 14 years and have made small steps towards living life again. I'm not after sympathy or pity, but I hope to encourage others and get a few words of encouragement myself along the way. Life is for living, pain or not make the most of things!

The Rheumatic Roller Coaster

The ups and downs of life with chronic pain, fatigue and depression

Indisposed and Undiagnosed

the invisible illness

All Things Chronic

Painkills2@aol.com

..Kicking Strokes Ass In Words..

Rambles, verses, poems from a stroke survivor ...

takingthemaskoff

Addiction, Mental Health, Stigma, Spirituality

Things I Learned In Therapy

a blog for posterity.

The Invisible Scar

raising awareness of emotional child abuse, its effects on adult survivors & the power of words on children

Many of us

Living life with dissociative identity disorder and complex PTSD

Precious Things

The path to healing is not a yellow brick road...

GreenGrowsDark

Mental Health Awareness

BlueHero

An anxiety and depression blog

The Bipolar Codex

Kate McDonnell: Art, design and bipolar disorder

The Demons Of My Insane Sanity

WE ARE THE AUTHOR OF OUR OWN LIFE: SO LET'S MAKE OUR STORY ROCK! – S.L.EDAGO

My Minds Inside, Living with D.I.D

I am a young Female who is diagnosed D.I.D, and PTSD, welcome to my world.

Many of us's blog

Living life with dissociative identity disorder and complex PTSD

My Travels with Depression

A journey through therapy

wrongwithlife

The immeasurable terrors of her mind...

suicidalsupergirl

saving the world, one malady at a time.

Bipolar For Life

Memoirs of a Wounded Healer

Top 10 of Anything and Everything!!!

Animals, Gift Ideas, Travel, Books, Recycling Ideas and Many, Many More

A Canvas Of The Minds

A unique collaboration of different perspectives on mental health and life

%d bloggers like this: