Love is a fleeting feeling, lasting longer or shorter for some, but never lasting forever. It morphs, it changes, it stops being true love and starts being something else. Many something else’s. It becomes companionship. It becomes convenient. It becomes comfortable. But it is not true love then. If it ever was.
My teen kids betrayed my deepest trust and honesty and openness. Such a level of honesty that I could never trust my secrets with to anyone else. But I thought the me and my kids knew that the only way we are gonna get through this world, is if we have each others backs. We weren’t supposed to need to worry about telling our deepest secrets, deepest fears, worst feelings with each other. We were supposed to know we were the only people in the world who wouldn’t laugh at us, make fun of us, turn in horror away from us, or betray us with our most intimate and honest truths. We were supposed to have each others backs.
So it is, yet again, my fault for trusting. I have been shown that lesson so many times I have lost count. And I thought I had finally learned it–dont trust anyone except those who will never ever have a reason to betray you. And I thought, again, mistakenly, that I could count on my kids for that. That the kids that I raised, that I taught about the world and about people, that I have always supported no matter what, that they, of all the people in the world, were the 2 I could trust absolutely.
I have issues with trust. Always have. Probably because my Mother was the first person I was told to trust, yet every single day of my life she taught me that she couldn’t be trusted for anything. The only thing she could ever be trusted for was to find a new and unpredictable way of inflicting psychic pain every single day of my life. And all my life, I have been trying to escape her shadow, even after I evicted her from my life. I have never found someone I could tell everything to, not even my husband. Sooner or later, even he became a source of betrayal, a source of no trust.
So, as I said above, it is no one’s fault but mine that I trusted those closest to me. That I trusted my kids. I let myself believe we truly were there for each other. But that is on me, that is my bad. I have had enough experience that I should have known you can’t trust anyone, no matter how close you think you are to them. Not one single person in the world can be trusted with someone’s innermost feelings. NO ONE. EVER.
Hell, I can’t even trust my dog. And she was my fall back. She is supposed to me the animal who supports me when she sees I’m sad. She is supposed to join me when she sees I’m happy and joyful. And she is supposed to help me out of the dark places by needing me to take care of her,walk her, play with her, feed her, love her. But even she, my Sunshine, has betrayed me. Now, instead of walking, she just sits and refuses to move. Nothing will make her continue. She forced me to drag her home (again) as she sat on her butt fighting it with all she had. She made me drag her like that half way through my complex, back to my door. She betrayed me. She isn’t able to be trusted. She has shown that she will no longer do what is expected. She has ruined our relationship. I no longer want to see her. I no longer want any support from her–which is good, as she is no longer giving it, apparently! I am so hurt by her behavior I feel devastated. I can’t trust her to love me back. I can’t even trust her to take a walk. She has let me down just like every other being in my life ever has. Just like my kids have.
I have no one. No thing. Nothing in this world cares one bit about me. I am completely alone. And I always will be. And I can’t even count on my pets when the humans fail. I accept that I am alone. That no one cares for or about me in this world. But why must I linger here? Why can it not just end now and release me from this bottomless well filled with pain and betrayal and aloneness? Why must I continue suffering? I just want to go to sleep.