Growing into Me with Bipolar

Posts tagged ‘positive’

Thoughts I Am Tired of Thinking


I’m having trouble finding the good in things, finding a reason to hope for yet another day.  It’s this crazy, faithful and persistent bad luck I have.

On a positive, the child support finally came thru, so I’m not in danger of losing power or anything else.  On a both positive and negative, I am viewing smaller 2bedroom apartments.  This is a negative because it obviously involves the entire process of moving, what with the packing, sorting, lifting, loading, driving, unpacking, unloading, lifting and of course the cleaning of the old place.  It is also a negative because we will, in order to save money so we never get trapped like the thing with the child support again, be downgrading from a 3 bedroom, so 1 for each of us, to a 2–where my daughter and I will be sharing.  At first she was ok with that (we had done it before a few years ago), but now she is upset about it because apparently that would mean I am taking away her safe place.  I don’t know what to do with that.  There really isn’t anything I can do to avoid it, short of giving up the entire room and sleeping on the couch for the next few years.  I feel kind of guilty now, like I don’t deserve to even have a bed or a semi private sleep space, like I shouldn’t want that.  Like I should be happy I have a couch, and not want more.    The positives of this upcoming move are that at least we’ll have more disposable income, so we can enjoy more things like eating out and going to movies.

And then there is my ever present bad luck.  Wish I didn’t have any luck at all, cuz its always bad luck.  So, yesterday I am picking my daughter up from a birthday party at a church, when the pick up in front of me, which had just turned to the left following the lot, suddenly reversed and smashed right into me as I was behind him and hadn’t started the turn to the left yet. Now there will be the whole investigation, determination of fault (and even tho I know it wasn’t my fault, I’m terrified they will say it is).   So, in my life, threre is NEVER anything positive that a) should never have happened at all or b) isn’t followed by an equally negative event.  So,  in my life, things are always heavier on the negative side of the scale than the positive.  All I want is for it to be balanced once in a while without automatically being followed by another negative.  Is that really too much to ask for?

So, for me, nothing good ever goes unpunished.  And I’m tired of it.  And I’m having a really hard time seeing a silver lining, or finding hope that the next day won’t be as bad, and I just really really want to fall asleep and not wake up to another day of bad luck.  Does everyone really have to work this hard just to survive, much less live life?  Or is this just a ‘gift’ given to those of us who have already suffered the most?  Cuz if it is, I want to give it back.  I never asked for this and I don’t want it anymore.

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