I finally figured out why my life sucks. I am a real-life version of Wile E. Coyote. If you’ve ever watched the cartoons, then you would know that no matter how clever, how well thought out, how perfectly executed, nothing he does to catch the Road Runner EVER works out. Instead, no matter how absurd or unlikely, anything he does always turns back on him. While I am not up to no good chasing an innocent Road Runner, my life still parallels the Coyote. Every single thing I do to improve my circumstances, to make my and my kids’ life better, always turns back on me. No matter what I do, how properly, how well, any effort I make to move forward is always followed directly by a negative consequence that not only prevents me from moving forward, but actually pushes me even further down. The more I try, the closer to nothing I get. I’m afraid that if I try any more to improve my life, I will end up homeless. It is beginning to dawn on me that I should just quit trying; that I should just open my eyes and accept that nothing I do will work out and I will only end up in a worse position than where I started. I should just accept that I am not supposed to move forward in life. I should stop trying, stop messing with things, stop making these efforts and instead just accept that this is where I belong and that that will never change. That I will never have a better life, and I should just accept the bare minimum life I have,or I will lose that too. So there is no hope. There is no change. Fighting and working hard will only come back on me and make things worse. I cannot get much more ‘worse’. I better start accepting and forget about improving my life right now.
Is it any wonder I am hopeless? Is it any wonder I am tired, so tired, of struggling just to maintain, of constantly treading water but never going anywhere, of wanting to just let go? This is where the Coyote and I differ–he will always keep trying no matter how things turn back on him, but I am so tired of treading water, I need to just let go, because things will never change, never improve, and nothing will ever change that.