Am I healthy or am I sick? I am afraid of being thought to be healthy when I still don’t feel fully healthy. I mean I do feel healthier than 4 years ago, but I still don’t feel completely healthy. What if SSDI thinks I am healthy, completely healthy? Or What if my psychiatrist or my therapist think so? What if I’m let go of treatment (except just maintenance) and while I’m somewhat better, I’m not yet ready, not yet completely healthy?
What will I do if I lose my Social Security and Medicare and Medicaid? If I’m forced to return to work, but can’t return to the level of work I worked before? What if instead of working in healthcare as a unit supervisor instead I’m working at the local grocery store or WalMart? How could I live on that income, and how could I afford insurance to stay on my meds and see my psychiatrist periodically for refills? What if I couldn’t even hack working full time at one of those places? What if I have to go off my meds? No matter how much better I am now than 4 years ago, I would still end up right back in that place I climbed out of then. I would lose all the progress I made so far, and I would have no hope of getting out of that deep dark hole a second time.
I’m sure I don’t want to stay in the place I am now, or return to the place I climbed out of. I don’t want to keep feeling hurt, anxious, scared, angry and confused. I don’t want to keep being triggered and acting in ways I don’t really mean or intend or want to act. I’m sure I do want to be better. I do want to feel better. I do want to live life and not just wait for life to and wish it would pass by faster. I want to be in control of my actions, be able to choose what I say and do, even in triggering situations. I don’t want to be sad, depressed and not find joy in life. I don’t want to be overwhelmed and terrified when I go out into the world to live my life.
I know I want to be completely healthy. I just don’t want anyone else to think I am before I do. And I know people will say I am borrowing trouble by having these worries. But I can’t help it. I’m so afraid that because I am better than I was, that because I look like I’m functional, that people will think I really am well. And if they do that, then I will lose everything I have gained this far, and maybe never get back to what I have now, much less ever become fully well.
All of these worries cause me to question how I feel. Do I feel healthy? Strong? Confident? Could I work at all? Could I work full time? How long could I keep that up til I broke and had to quit or get fired? What would I do then? Why do I still feel so weak? So chronically exhausted all the time, and completely worn out if I do the slightest thing–like getting haircuts, or eating out. Why do I still feel so fragile, like I could be broken in a strong wind, irreparably damaged? And yet, at the same time, I see the evidence around me of how I am more able to do things, especially without losing control like I used to. I am not as anxious when I am home like I used to be. So I know I am improving but I am not yet fully healed. And I am not sure how to feel about where I am right now. Part of me says I am better while the other part says I am still sick. The truth is somewhere inbetween, but how is that supposed to feel, or look? I don’t know how I am now. I only know how I am not.