it is unbearable to continue on, to keep going knowing that everything is hopeless, no matter what i do. i have the solution, the permanent solution, in my hands…i don’t know anymore if i should wait or not. i don’t know if waiting will make it better or if acting now will make it better for them. i’m no good. no good to anyone. why wait?
the problems never cease. just when i thought i might have $50 left after bills, my grocery purchase overdrew me. now i can’t pay any bills at all. why did i buy the food then? why didn’t i wait? we could have gotten by with the odds and ends left after all the real food was gone. but i thot no, we needed food. and now the bills can’t be paid, not one. i can’t buy cigs, i have to give up coffee. the cause of the problems this time?—my ex—he hasn’t paid his child support, and it’s already 1/2 way thru the month. he claims it was taken from his check (so ya, he already got paid this month, so i should have the money) so, he claims he can’t do anything more about it to see where it went, why we don’t have it. ya, so….maybe we’ll get evicted at the end of the month. yippee-skippee! gee, that sounds like so much fun, i can’t contain myself! and there’s nothing i can do til the 11th of may—that’s how long Child Support Enforcement gives him. will be a little too late by then, so, no help there.
and oh yea, ex had to pay double payments for a few months as a condition of getting his passport approved. apparently i spent the money ‘wrong’–i was supposed to have saved some for my daughter to take an overseas trip. but i don’t remember that at all. and i spent it getting a car for my son, who just got his licence, and they can share the car next year when she gets hers as well. so now i am the bad guy, i ruined his gift to his daughter, spoiled the trip and after screaming at me, now he is ignoring me…so i can’t even ask about where the child support is for this month.
what good am i anyway? is my being here even helping my kids? maybe they would just be better of with their dad–he wouldnt punish them by withholding support if they lived with him. he thinks by withholding support he is punishing me, but he’s not…he’s just hurting them. but he doesn’t care, he has no conscience. if i was gone, they would go to him. if that happened, he would gladly get them what they needed, no more of these kind of games, cuz he wouldn’t have me to abuse. no more push and pulling the kids in this war he insists on having with me. if i was gone, the conflict and the money would no longer be a problem. they would have what they needed with no more worry and no more drama. if only i was not here.
i have the solution. when will it be the time to make it all right for them? i don’t know how much longer i can wait to use it.