As Usual, I Don’t Know What’s Going On

So the pre-Christmas days have gone tolerably well, no specific things or events or problems to make note of.  So, I should be having at least a decent time, decent mood, feeling at least ok.  But there are all these little niggling things that just seem to keep spoiling it for me, even though I keep telling myself they are just little things, little things that don’t mean anything and aren’t important.  But they are still there, and I still see them, still feel them.  They are still bothering me, bringing down my mood to less than ok, to less than good.  And I am getting a bit discouraged.

This time of year, I usually feel all kinds of love for my kids, and all kinds of happiness for seeing them happy.  But I feel somewhat betrayed this year.  It started when I had a med check appointment this past Thursday.  I remembered it all the way up to 1 hour before I had to leave.  Then it was gone.  My daughter reminded me of it after it was too late to get there.  And they don’t see anyone who is late.  So it was rescheduled for the end of Jan–ya, 5 weeks from now!  Well, I guess that’s my punishment for not remembering, for making a mistake (again).

But the real kicker was the next day my daughter says to me, ” You must not have wanted to go, that’s why you spaced it out”.  And I said ” I was thinking about that too.  And that’s mostly what I thought, except ME (the Me talking now) really likes to be punctual and not make mistakes.  I would not have skipped it like that.  It must have been someone else who doesn’t like the med check appointments–or the regular doctor appointments either(as I had to reschedule my well-woman exam 3 times before I managed to remember to get there).  So, I think it’s one of the younger ones who doesn’t like any doctor appointments–for some reason they are either scared or just don’t trust them. ”   And then my daughter says, “I don’t think you are multiple.  I haven’t seen any proof of it. And my brother agrees with me.  We don’t think you really have DID.”

Well, that was such a kick in the gut.  I was stunned into silence.  I was angry, I was confused, and I was very hurt.  Hurt that I had trusted them, my closest family, with this and now they were turning on me. Turning on me instead of being supportive, instead of being helpful and backing me.  She asked me what made me think that I was really DID.  And after several moments while I put my head back together and tried to sort my emotions out of my head and put them away, I finally said because I have been with 3 different therapists who all use different styles/techniques, and each one has ended up at this same point.  The first time, I didn’t think DID was really even real.  The second time, I thought it was real, but it wasn’t me, didn’t fit me.  This last and ongoing time, I figured I couldn’t keep coming to the same place with all these different therapists, if there wasn’t at least something to it.  That maybe I am indeed DID. And the more I keep going in therapy, the more I keep getting affirmations, keep discovering that some information I thought I had wasn’t mine, but was shared by the one who owns it.  That why I have always had these ‘intense emotional outbursts’ that could not be explained by my bipolar, since over all I was stable emotionally.  But these short outbursts kept occurring and still do.  DID explains that.  Another part is being triggered during an event, and for a short time, takes over and bursts out, then retreats.  It’s not all me.  It doesn’t even fit me and my patterns.  I know now I do have others and while they may only come out briefly, that they are there.

I tried to tell her this. But she just sighed and said nothing more about it.  Now, it is like the elephant in the room.  Neither her nor my son will mention it, and I am too afraid, to hurt, to mention it again.  Too afraid they will still say I am making things up, or lying or being scammed.  I feel awful.  Like I cannot trust them any more with anything important to me again.  I feel I must now put up a barrier, a wall, between me and them where I no longer let them in,  where we are no longer intimately close, where now the only one I can take down all the walls with is my therapist.  The  only one I can now truly trust is my therapist.  I am so disappointed, so let down.  I am so hurt.  I must now maintain a wall keeping my kids out.  I can no longer share everything with the only family I have.  And this has dampened my holiday cheer.  And it has not been the time where I enjoy seeing them happy.  I feel so alone.  So disconnected.  And so damaged.  By the only people I trusted, the only ones I let in. And now that is gone.