I have drilled SO many things into my head over the years, by me (to remember what to do or not do) and by others (like, you’re worthless, stupid, crazy, etc.) and now these things are automatics, things I accept now. So why can’t I drill something in now? Especially since it’s something I’ve been trying to drill in to remember automatically for a really long time. I keep trying to remember to just agree and keep my mouth shut! but I can’t seem to get it in there for some reason.
In my state, there are 3 paths of mental health care: 1) Private Pay, 2) Medicare and/or Medicaid—a) SMI (seriously mentally ill) or General Mental Health (‘regularly’ ill, I guess). S MI people are required to go to only specific clinics that see only SMI people. You are supposed to get more care, more support services, etc. this way. All GMH people can go to any clinic other than SMI clinics. So, I am classed as SMI, and go the SMI clinic I was assigned to. The problem is, not only do they not really provide extra services or supports, I get upset EVERYTIME I go there! I can’t understand why they always manage to trigger me and get me to blow up! I really can’t understand tho, why I don’t just REMEMBER to JUST SMILE AND AGREE!!
I mean, what does it matter that my shrink thinks I drink too much water? Instead of arguing my position and explaining why I drink that much, and getting ticked off with him, why can’t I just remember to SMILE AND AGREE?? When he asks me about my suicidal thoughts, and I tell him, and then he says ‘you don’t want to do that, your spirit would be stuck between places’, why do I have to get into a philosophical and theological debate? Why can’t I just let it go and JUST AGREE?! Why, when he tells me my therapist is wrong about diagnosing me with DID, do I even try to argue? Why can’t I just let it go and AGREE? Why, when he tells me to see the nurse to get my lab slip and I do and she prints out the wrong one (as always) and I point it out, do I have to join in the argument that she thinks she’s right when I know I’m right? Why can’t I just AGREE?! When after my appointment I meet with my Case Manager (and today also my Rehab counselor) and the Rehab gal says even tho I already have a case open with Voc Rehab and all they needed to get me services was a packet from my clinic, I am working with the wrong Voc Rehab counselor and I need to come to the clinic to meet the correct one. And I need to close my already open case and start all over, because I’m not doing it right and Voc Rehab does NOT need my packet from the clinic—I just need to start all over with the RIGHT Voc Rehab counselor at the clinic instead. WHY can’t I just SHUT UP and AGREE with her instead?
I HATE going to my clinic! I HATE that every time I go there, every person I talk with, everything I ask for or about, I am ALWAYS in the wrong. I am ALWAYS getting triggered, and then Anti-Kitty jumps in. Then We have to fight, as though it’s that important. And We know none of this is THAT important. Even if I AM usually right, is it really worth getting triggered and so upset that We switch and lose it with all the people we deal with in the clinic? I don’t think it’s that important, even if I AM right. I just want learn to remember to STOP ARGUING AND JUST AGREE!!! Why can”t I get this lesson into my head?? Why can’t I just agree instead of getting so upset and looking like the completely crazy psycho out of control patient they (get riled up in the first place) and expect to see? Why can’t I just learn to AGREE? Why can’t we just quit letting them trigger us about everything by JUST AGREEING?? I just need to learn to remember to AGREE no matter what.