Growing into Me with Bipolar

Posts tagged ‘healing’

Just Sitting Here, Staring at the Christmas box, Waiting for…What?

xmas box


So, I keep watching that box full of my sparse Christmas decorations, waiting for it to spring out and find its way to my walls, curtain rods, door jambs and yes, finally to a fully decorated tree in front of the window (but only a 4′ one).  But nothing is happening.  The box just keeps sitting there, although I think I am seeing out of the corners of my eyes, when not looking at it directly, small movements, shadows flitting, and other sounds artificial trees make when moving about.

small xmas tree


I know eventually, I am going to have to actually go to the box, and start to put things together and nail them up.  But I am in this nice little cloud, where I feel like I am floating, but if I try to get up and do things in the real world, I am heavy and slow and plodding and it feels like I expend all my energy on each movement I undertake, even just to fill up my water bottle.  I prefer to stay on my little cloud, feeling light and free, without worry, without hurry.  xmas wreath

The boxes will still be there when I am ready.

AN UPDATE:  My ex has never contacted me since the nite we discussed, with my daughter, my daughter’s moving to her father’s. He said he would contact me the following day, but…..well, there ya go.  But he HAS been talking to her.  She still wants to move in with him and they are still talking about it.  But he has not contacted me in any way at all, and I have decided that since I have custody, I will be keeping my daughter here, with me, the parent she has spent all but 18 months with, because she IS my daughter.  Because this is a time I need to PUT MY FOOT DOWN.  Because she and I both need to WORK on our relationship–not RUN from it.  Because this is one of the last times I can show her how much I LOVE her, how to grow a relationship and persevere and NOT run.  Because I am her MOTHER, and I won’t just let her run away.  I WILL show her that I WILL NOT give up on her, no matter what.

And, I have really made a major jump in therapy, and I have been able to not have any arguments with her (she says we might have still had 3 small ones), to not yell at her, etc.  We have been able to be calm with each other since the night we and her father discussed her moving to his home.  And, I think I am only getting better at staying calm and not reacting and that it will just keep improving.  So, the very thing she didn’t like, that she said scared her, that made her want to live with her dad, I am finally gaining control of….So, our relationship can only improve, right?  Right! So, no giving up.

Of course, if he REALLY wants to have her move in with him, he can always go to the courthouse and get the forms needed to ask for change of custody, visitation, and parenting time  and child support/back child support of our daughter.  And then he’d have to hire an attorney to represent him here in AZ, since he is now in OR.  And that would cost money.  And we all know how much he enjoys spending money on anything but himself….so, um, ya.  Not thinking that that is very likely to happen.  I may be wrong, but I don’t think so.modificationofcustparentingnplan


Bad Time of Year?

Just seem to be noticing that lots of us in blog land are feeling more scrambled and out of control than normal.  maybe its the coming of the fall, maybe the days starting to get shorter.  i don’t really know.  but i hope all of us start to get back to our normal level of discomfort really soon.  this is tiring and wearing and i am about done.

all because i felt some real or imagined pressure from some rather real doc to change my mood stabilizer.  anyway altho i resisted i gave in eventually feeling that i was acting like a child with a tantrum by not even considering other options that who knows might work just as well.  well, i was wrong.  i should have stuck to my guns.  i feel like crap, im not thinking worth a shit and im swinging on that old pendulum rapid, slow, erattically and not even in a straight line back and forth!  i’m swing forward and backward and sideways too.  and i just don’t know what to do until they get my power in my brain turned back on so its functioning right and those damn zig zag lightning bolts and yells and screams and tears and pictures of everything flashing in my eyes goes away and ‘normal’ returns once again.

normal, which isn’t even normal.  which is still somehow outside the pale of where most people live, normal for me for bipolar everywhere, where normal is no more electric bolts in your brain, no more images flashes thoughts screaming and racing around.  but no more feeling either, every inside passion, every fire, tamped down.  don’t want this, this crazy in my head, but don’t feel alive when i’m well.

they talk, they all talk about recovery but there is really no such thing.  for normal is never normal,  it’s just less insane.  its never ok, it’s never gone.  it’s just not as bad as what might be.  it’s flat, it’s plain, it’s black and white, maybe a few shades of gray.  but it is not normal.  it just looks like normal and it’s the best we got, so we better take it, baby, while it’s hot.


“Mercedes Benz” by janis joplin

Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz ?
My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends.
Worked hard all my lifetime, no help from my friends,
So Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz ?Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a color TV ?
Dialing For Dollars is trying to find me.
I wait for delivery each day until three,
So oh Lord, won’t you buy me a color TV ?

Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a night on the town ?
I’m counting on you, Lord, please don’t let me down.
Prove that you love me and buy the next round,
Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a night on the town ?
images (1)
Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz ?
My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends,
Worked hard all my lifetime, no help from my friends,
So oh Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz ?

That’s it!

“Me & Bobby McGee” by janis joplin

Busted flat in Baton Rouge, waiting for a train
And I’s feeling nearly as faded as my jeans.
Bobby thumbed a diesel down just before it rained,
It rode us all the way to New Orleans.I pulled my harp from and my dirty red bandanna,
I was playing soft while Bobby sang the blues.
Windshield wipers slapping time, I was holding Bobby’s hand in mine,
We sang every song that driver knew.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose,
Nothing don’t mean nothing honey if it ain’t free, now now.
And feeling good was easy, Lord, when he sang the blues,
You know feeling good was good enough for me,
Good enough for me and my Bobby McGee.
From the Kentucky coal mines to the California sun,
Hey, Bobby shared the secrets of my soul.
Through all kinds of weather, through everything that we done,
Hey Bobby baby kept me from the cold.

One day up near Salinas, Lord, I let him slip away,
He’s looking for that home and I hope he finds it,
But I’d trade all of my tomorrows for one single yesterday
To be holding Bobby’s body next to mine.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose,
Nothing, that’s all that Bobby left me, yeah,
But feeling good was easy, Lord, when he sang the blues,
Hey, feeling good was good enough for me, hmm hmm,
Good enough for me and my Bobby McGee.

La la la, la la la la, la la la, la la la la
La la la la la Bobby McGee.
La la la la la, la la la la la
La la la la la, Bobby McGee, la.

La La la, la la la la la la,
La La la la la la la la la, hey now Bobby now Bobby McGee yeah.
Na na na na na na na na, na na na na na na na na na na na
Hey now Bobby now, Bobby McGee, yeah.

Lord, I’m calling my lover, calling my man,
I said I’m calling my lover just the best I can,
C’mon, where is Bobby now, where is Bobby McGee, yeah,
Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lord
Hey, hey, hey, Bobby McGee, Lord!

Yeah! Whew!

Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lordy Lord
Hey, hey, hey, Bobby McGee.

“What Good Can Drinkin’ Do”by janis joplin

What good can drinkin’ do, what good can drinkin’ do?
Lord, I drink all night but the next day I still feel blue

There’s a glass on the table, they say it’s gonna ease all my pain,
And there’s a glass on the table, they say it’s gonna ease all my pain
But I drink it down, an’ the next day I feel the same

Gimme whiskey, gimme bourbon, give me gin
Oh, gimme whiskey, give me bourbon, gimme gin
‘Cause it don’t matter what I’m drinkin’, Lord, as long as it drown this sorrow I’m in
images (2)
I start drinking Friday, I start drinking Friday night
Lord, I start drinking Friday, start drinking Friday night
But then I wake up on Sunday, child, there ain’t nothin’ that’s right

My man he left me, child, he left me here
Yeah, my good man left me, went away and left me here
Lord, I’m feelin’ lowdown, just give me another glass of beer

What good can drinkin’ do, what good can drinkin’ do?
Well, I drink all night but the next day I still feel blue!

you can substitute any other part of your life, other than a man, and her songs still ring just as true, still hit those same notes of struggle and pain and the desperate hope for something better, for some bit of happiness.



Maybe I’m not really sick anymore.  Maybe I just learned it’s easier to say I am.

Maybe if I just tried again, got up on that horse again, I could be someone.

Maybe I was never sick to begin with, just sick of life.

Maybe I’m really better now, Maybe things are better now,

But I won’t give them or me a chance to grow, a chance to bloom, to afraid to fail



What will happen if I open the door, Open the door to life again?

What will happen if I step outside, step outside of my safe place again?

Step outside into the real world again, with expectations, obligations, and responsibilities?

Where I have to perform like the elephants at the zoo and the monkeys at the circus?


What if I make mistakes, What if I can’t perform anymore?

What if I can’t make the grade, fail to beat the score, can’t move fast enough anymore

Can’t keep up with the pace, find myself again failing the race.

Lose my place, keep trying anew, finding I can’t make a fit anywhere.


Things going wrong, haywire again, find myself stuck back inside

Unable to venture out, unable to win, the bar too high that was once so near.

Finding I’m back at the bottom, but this time there is no net

No one believes I can’t make it yet.  They say I’ve had time enough

To get back into that groove, can’t keep quitting when it gets too tough.


No more support, no more kindness, no more safety net to catch me now.

End up back in my head, can’t get out ever again

Can’t leave my shelter, my safe space, I know now

No one will believe me if I try again and fail.


They will say she is just not ill, She is just too lazy

To do her share.  She is selfish, expects the world to

Work for her and us to tell her so.  She wants to wallow

In her despair, Brought on by her own failures.


The system will say she had her chance, that if she had been telling the truth

She never would have tried again.  She just could have stayed inside, no one

Ever questioning the tide.


But maybe I was wrong, all those years ago…

Maybe I wasn’t really sick, just swallowed up in my own sadness,

In my inability to change my life.  Maybe I just gave up, gave in,

To my inner world that said I’d never win.


Maybe I should have kept trying, and I would not be so stuck today

On whether I deserve a second chance at life, or whether I should stay.

Inside.  Safe.


So I’ll never know if I could have won, Never know if I could do it again.

The risk is just too high, can’t be a failure all over again.

Once is enough, and done is done.

Just When I Think I’m Out….They Pull Me Back In

they pull me back in imageThanks, Al Pacino, as the youngish Don in Godfather 2 for that quote and sentiment.

Tonight, just a list. A ‘food for thought’ kind of list.  A list that says, ‘how am I supposed to be getting well, when “it just keeps getting piled higher and deeper” ‘ kind of list.  Well, enough confabulating, the list:

Son’s car repairs, beyond what he can pay from his salary as part time at Taco Bell–$310.  Without this repair, the car will not pass emissions testing and will not get its tags and will be undriveable. The testing must be completed by the end of this month. emissions_test

My car repairs, which cannot be completed because I still owe the shop half the money from the last repairs.  And because my son’s car is already off the road.  $–unknown (due to accident, see later on list)

My son’s school fees-$200.  Daughter’s school fees-$200.  Son’s clothing needs-Some of everything.  Daughter’s clothing needs–all of everything.  Total-$400’ish.

Moving costs for August 3-rent on old place, rent on new place, +$300 deposit on new place, plus renting a moving van for 1 day-$50.uhaul

Copays ex just reimbursed me for that now have to go to other costs than to reimburse me.  Still need to pay provider the copays ex just gave me tho.  Hmm…$200’ish.

Insurance company for woman who rear-ended me on freeway in May.  On June 30, representative for insurance said they accepted 100% responsibility, but in mail 10 days later, written notice they were denying any responsibility.  They still had their adjustor come and do estimate (he said it was definitely the other car that caused all my damage, and he has completed and sent in his report–I talked to him to be sure).  They refuse to return my calls, even though their voicemail says will reply in 24 hours, I have left messages every day since June 5th.  Meanwhile, my car is driving very scary and am afraid to use it, or to have it seen at my shop, cause if I fix it, then the other insurance definitely won’t reimburse me.  Actually, this is the insurance that refuses to call me back:occidental

Got divorce finalized in December 2011, applied for deferment or waiver at time of filing, so I had to pay nothing at that time.  Have never received anything from court since, until, July 15 when they sent me a collection notice for 20% interest in 30 days time if not paid in full by end of July–$400.  Told them I could pay it in September, they said too bad, so sad.  Pay or go to collections. Or try to get new deferral, but it won’t be approved because is from so far back.  Apparently, that is not their responsibility that they did not bill me appropriately, I was supposed to know I had a bill for x amount and pay it without a statement or invoice, etc.  They said I did not update my address, I said I did, and I had the scanned documents to prove it that I mailed in, and the postmark would prove it.  They said it has to be in person update of address to their specific court billing department, and that the normal updating of address for court is not for them and means absolutely nothing, even though I could prove I had sent it in.

Oh, and additionally, I get to refile for modifications to my divorce child custody and support and insurance, since my ex just told me he’s moving out of state on Friday, so he won’t be seeing the kids on weekends anymore and so he will have to increase the amount he pays in support for each of them.  Wonder what the fees for filing that will be, on top of the above $400 from 2011 that I was magically supposed to know about.  Maybe they can roll it all together?  And hit me for it all at once?  so I’ll be even more broke–if I get any more broke, I’ll be homeless eating at soup kitchens.  And I’m not being mellow dramatic.  And this is the courthouse and court that is acting so ridiculous:  maricopa se superior court

And then there’s the things that don’t cost money, but are so much fun to deal with that I just couldn’t leave them out.

First one, a 1.5hr conversation with a supervisor in my ‘team’ at my mental health clinic where I was trying to request a perishable food box, not the dry goods one.  I knew they were separate and from separate places.  But I didn’t know the names/labels the staff and case managers used to refer to them.  So, it turns out Food Box A-Dry Goods, is from a church and requires one’s case manager to fill a form out with the client a week before it is delivered to the clinic for client pick up.  You can only make one request for Food Box A-Dry Goods in a 3 months period.  I have never filled out a form, and have often received food boxes more than once in 3 months.  Also, the food boxes I have received were perishable, and my case manager delivered them to me, or told me when she had them so I could pick them up.  So, after going round and round that I never signed or filled out a form in 5 years of going to this clinic, where I was afraid I was going to lose it and burst out in tears, or ‘get that tone in my voice’ that makes people just walk away from me and ignore me forever, he finally said ‘well, case managers have the ability to go to 22+ food pantries to get perishable food boxes and deliver them to their clients.  Maybe this is what you are talking about?  And I said, flooded with such relief that I was afraid I was going to bow down on my knees and pray to God right then and there thanks that I was finally being heard, understood, and listened to, YES, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I HAVE BEEN TELLING YOU FOR THE LAST 1.5HRS.  THAT MY LAST CASE MANAGER DID THAT.  THAT THAT IS WHAT I WANT FROM THE NEW CASE MANAGER.  THAT IF SHE DOES NOT CHOOSE TO DO THAT (as it is optional for them to do that) THAT THEN I WOULD GLADLY FILL OUT THE FORM FOR FOOD BOX A-DRY GOODS, BUT ONLY IF I COULD NOT GET FOOD BOX B-PERISHABLE GOODS (which are up to case manager to do or not to do).  Then, he finally agreed to have her contact me tomorrow to find out if she does do FOOD BOX B-PERISHABLE GOODS, or not.  And if not, then I will fill out the form for FOOD BOX A-DRY GOODS, tomorrow.  And it only took 1.5 hours.  But I was REALLY proud of myselves for not bursting out into tears (the guy would have walked away if I had) or for ‘sounding’ argumentative/belligerent from frustration.  He would’ve walked away then too, maybe set security on me even.

And the piece de resistance, the mignon final, my late father’s wife, who is listed as Co Power of Attorney, Durable, for Health Care for my only living family (2 cousins who are sisters, who raised my dad) has shunned me, blocked me out of the loop concerning my two cousins, and has made my cousins believe that I am trying to steal their money and place them in nursing homes, when in actuality, I am trying to convince them to accept some home health and cleaning services so they can stay in their own home, by contacting the Area Agency on Aging and having them do a service counselling appointment.  Well, my step mom, now that my dad’s dead, has been trying to get their money for the last 3 years.  But when I actually want to step in and help them by having her do that, she shuns me and intimidates my cousins from talking to me or allowing the staff at the nursing home from talking to me, or allowing the Area Agency on Aging from talking to me, or their doctor’s from talking to me.  So, I am now effectively out of the loop because my step mom is going against my dads’ last wishes that my family should be in their house as long as they can be safe and healthy and have their needs met.  Since he died, my step mom has been trying to get them out of their house and take their money.  Now that I saw how they are living as hoarders (y’know those real life TV hoarder shows, ya, my cousins could be on that show) plus the filth under the hoard.  Plus they don’t bathe or wash their hair.  And the need assistance to get in and out of the house and in and out of the car.  So they need help if they are to stay in their home. They think if they accept help, they would spend down their estate/savings (which is true, but then they would be eligible for medicaid and would have every service covered).  They also think if anyone sees how they live, they will be forced to leave their home, but that is only true if they are found by a doctor or judge to be incompetent.  They are certainly not that.  So, step mom has made me the scape goat and has convinced my cousins that if they speak with me, they will lose everything and that I hate them.  I still have power of attorney, durable, for healthcare, because the only way that can be revoked is if my cousins themselves tell a healthcare provider that provides any service for them that they do not want me as their poa any longer.  They can also put that in a short note in writing.  Or, they can have it witnessed by 2 competent people or by a notary.  But my co-POA, my step mom, cannot just go around saying I am no longer POA just on her sayso, without any statement from any healthcare provider of my cousins or a written notice of it properly recognized by the state.  But still, step mom is doing just that, and is just going around announcing that she has removed me as POA, or that the cousins have, but there is no proof that the cousins have done any such thing.  Therefore, until proper recognized written notice is provided or until one of their healthcare providers says the cousins told them these wishes, I am still POA, no matter what step mom says.  But the hard part is proving it, and in engaging in and staying through to the end and winning this battle.  Just the thought of having to engage in this battle is epically depleting.  I don’t know if I can even see it through if I engage fully in it.  Especially with all the above stuff already weighing on me and being immediately pressing.   This really is the actual place they are at right now:   vista woods

Sorry.  Didn’t mean to whine.   Others have it worse.  I should think of all those in Ethiopia or wherever.  I am completely overwhelmed just in contemplating the oncoming battle over the cousins…don’t think I have the stamina to see it through or win either one.  This was really just meant to be a list that I could refer to to see what all I am dealing with daily because it all gets jumbled up in my head and I get so stressed and anxious and short tempered when it all gets tangled up and I can’t find room to think or breathe and at least in this list it is all laid out so I can keep each thread separate and at the very least know what is on my plate, even if I don’t want any of it, or know where to start or what to do with any of itHell and Hi Water.




What is it to be ‘safe’?  For me, it is complex, that’s what it is.  It means knowing I have a roof over my head from month to month.  It means knowing I have (any) transportation to get where I need to go.  It means knowing I have enough food for the month.  And just maybe, if I’m lucky, it means having TV and internet, and maybe phone.  It means not being hurt by someone, by anyone, by any situation or encounter or environment.  basic be safe

Jeez, I guess I ask for a lot.  I don’t think I have ever felt ‘safe’ in all those areas, ever, once in my life.  I have always been on the run, fleeing from one ‘unsafe’ to the next, promised ‘safe’, only to find that it was also ‘unsafe’ in some way.  What I really want is just once, once, to be ‘safe’ about everything.  I feel like I have put in twice my number of years trying to find ‘safe’ while everyone else seems to put in half the amount of time and effort and they actually manage to achieve it.  I am still looking for it.  I am still running scared.  And I’m getting older.  And tireder.  And slower.  And don’t feel like playing this game anymore.  I don’t feel like searching and running anymore.  I want to rest.  I want to sleep.  I want to have something worth having.  A reason to stay.  To wake up every day.  Let-me-take-you-someplace-Kate-Someplace-you-ll-be-Safe-caskett-32437245-500-700

I actually had a therapist to whom I confided that I felt I ran twice as far, twice as fast with twice the effort and ended up treading water, compared to other people.  He agreed.  He said it was true.  He said those of us with PTSD, with BiPolar, with Trauma and Depression, have that as a common experience.  That it takes a lot to make it all pay off.  He wasn’t even able to assure me that all that work would ever pay off.  That I would ever find that elusive ‘safe’.

Does it even exist for us?  for me?  blue confused emoticonbe-safe rain clouds

Metabolic Weight Loss and Nutrition

Ok, so the deal is I am supposed to eat 5-6 medium sized meals a day.  I can pretty much eat what I want, but they prefer if you indulge more in proteins than in carbs (duh), but for the most part it doesn’t really matter.  Also, I am not supposed to follow any other diets, like for cholesterol, salt, calories, whatever.

So there are 2 appointments each week. The first day of the first week was an intake–they have to do a complete pain assessment, as far back as you can remember–and then (supposedly) they tailor your exercises to your weight and eating habits (5-6 meals) and to your pain.  So, by eating 5-6 meals a day, you are increasing your metabolism, so you will actually lose weight when eating 5 meals compared to gaining weight when eating only 1 meal.  So, the 2nd day of the 1st week was some light (to some) exercises.  That day, my neck happened to be bothering me quite a bit, but I had held off on the pain pills until after PT just to see if it really helped.  So, I did mostly stretching kinds of things, raising hips while laying on hard surface, stretching neck, doing rows, riding the bike (but not at a particular speed, just whatever you can manage).  The one that really surprised me on how noticeable it was was leg lifts out to the right and left sides but making sure my toes were pointed forward.  It seemed easy, but I was actually exhausted and all rubbery and jelly-like afterward!  Anyway, my neck pain was relieved quite a bit, and I didn’t need pain pills or muscle relaxers either!  Oh and for weigh in, I had stayed the same for both appointments that week.

So, this was the first day of the 2nd week, and they added a few more exercises and skipped some of the others and increased some longer.  Again, I was especially surprised to see that the way I walk was causing me problems too.  Way back when I hurt my back over 10 years ago, I had one leg go completely ice cold numb for about 3 years, and apparently even after feeling came back to it, I had adopted a new way of walking with my toes turned out (duck-like).  So, we did some walking exercises and balance exercises ( I was never blessed with particularly good balance, and I have noticed it has been much worse the last 5 years or so).  The balancing exercises really showed me how much difficulty I have in just walking and standing.  No wonder I get so tired shopping or showering!!  I could couldn’t even stand on one foot with the other bent up at the knee for 5 seconds without having to restart.  Well, I have one more day for the 2nd week, and then there are 2 more weeks before I’m considered ‘done’ and I’ll have to fly on my own with what they have taught me.  This week on weigh in, I actually lost 1 whole pound (so, since I’m eating 4x more, that’s not actually as bad as it sounds!).

They said the next 2 weeks, (sadly, the last 2 as well), they are really gonna push me farther with the stretching and exercising so I can continue it at home and lose more of a real weight faster, plus be stronger and better, like the 6 Million Dollar Man (but not quite, lol!)

Moving AGAIN!

Yes, fellow readers, I know I just moved last August, but I’ll be moving again this August.  This is the strangest move I have ever made.  We are moving approximately 1 block away, to a smaller complex that looks a bit rundown from the outside, but the insides are wonderful!  And the rent is actually really cheap!! (not like where I am at the moment, where the rent is cheap, but the water bill kills you every month, making it not so cheap).  So, cheaper, nicer, bigger inside, one block away.  Where I am at currently, well, it looks nice on the outside, but the insides are very cramped.  And oh yeah, the constant police presence has taken a toll on me as well.  I don’t try to be stuck up, but when you have the police in your complex at least 3 times a week, and sometimes they have SWAT and police chopper overhead too, well, it seems that maybe its not the best place to be.  Last night, SWAT was here, surrounding a building, using a megaphone to draw out 3 people in an apartment.  They said things like “Come out with your hands up.  If you drop your hands, I’ll shoot you.”  and ” keep your back to me while going down the stairs.  If you turn around, I will set this dog on you and he will bite you and drag you to me.”

So, for the reasons of a) cheaper rent, b) bigger apartment, and c) less police presence, we are moving, AGAIN, only a block away.  My son is not at all pleased with the idea.  He says everytime we move, I say that it will be better than where we leave, and that it’s never true so we should just stay put.  He also says its too much work for only a block away.  He is my main muscle, who does most of the heavy lifting.  So, I hope he will still give his best since we are moving anyway.

My daughter is thrilled beyond words, excited beyond belief.  Her best friend, and also SO, lives over in the new place.  So, ya, now she won’t have to walk a whole block to see him, now she’ll just be a few doors away.  So, she is all for the short hop, even if it means moving everything again.

The real question is, am I really able to go through a whole move, again?  We have moved just about every year of the last 7.  And my son is right, it’s never better, even though it should have been.  No matter what, the we have never been able to reap the reward of the move.  I don’t want to put them through another move and find out I’m not saving any more money, it isn’t nice or clean enough or whatever.  I want it to work, at least for 2 more years.  Oh well, here we go again!

Just a Quick Post

I am really happy that I am feeling good again.  I felt really good today, and was able to do some cleaning even, which I have not been able to get myself to do for quite a while.  🙂  Then I went through all the books I kept from college, texts, short stories, etc.  that I have been hanging onto for 15 yrs.  Well, I have never, not once, opened more than a handful of the 2 bookcases full of books.  So, I decided there was no longer any reason to keep me hanging onto them after all this time, just sitting there, collecting dust.  So, I gave most of them to my daughter, who promptly decided to sell them to the local bookstore, which buys used books and movies, etc. for some pocket money, since she’s too young to work, and too old to want to depend on mom scratching together a few dollars.

Anyway, somehow, getting rid of most of those books, coupled with feeling well and energetic lately, really made me feel like I was/am clearing out the debris (of the old life) and paving the way to new, better, one.  I literally feel lighter, physically and emotionally.  I don’t think I have been able to say that or feel this for nearly 8 years.

And I just wanted to share.  🙂mixed wild flowers

Jumble of Emotions

Hi All!  I am feeling really pretty good today.  This is starting to happen more often now, and I’m starting to recognize it faster, and I’m starting to believe that even if I acknowledge it, it will most likely still be there!  I  was always afraid to believe I really was feeling good, because it seemed like when I did do that, it would just as quickly and mysteriously disappear again.  So, its nice to know it won’t just disappear.dark mixed lite brite flowers

I am experiencing a bunch of emotions all at once right now tho.  I am embarking on two adventures.  First, in June, me and my kids are roadtripping from Arizona to Iowa and we are staying with the last of my family.  We plan on being there for three weeks.  I have lots of anxiety about this trip.  Some is negative, but lots is positive.  Of course, I’m worried about finances, about hoping we don’t overspend or have an unexpected expense.   I am worried about the bills still getting paid, especially since there is no internet or cell phone at our destination (it is what you might call a ‘rustic’ locale), but I can always drive into the nearest city of any size about 25mi away, and use the wifi at the library.  I plan on doing that about every 3rd day.  And, my family there is the last of my line, and they are now very elderly, so this may be the last time any of us sees either of them.

My second adventure is probably moving a block over.  I can actually see the new place from my current place.  It is just up the street about a block.  There are some worries about the thought of moving there, tho.  The complex is actually only 3 buildings, in the shape of an H (or a tie-fighter if you prefer).  There is a pool under the crossbar.  There is a very small 2 washer, 2 dryer laundry room.  And the yard and surrounding area maintenance is a little less than desired.  Not exactly bad, but not really nice either.  But the apartment!  Oh, my!  it is probably about 1000+ square feet, 2 beds and 2 baths.  There are closets in every room (those of you not familiar with desert architecture may not understand why that is so great a feature!).  So, closets in all the rooms, a large kitchen plus an eat in area that does not use any of the actual kitchen space.  The bathrooms are both good size, and you can actually do more than stand in spot and pivot around (like where I am currently).  And both bedrooms are larger than what we have now.  So, my son will get the regular bedroom, and its about the same as what he has now.  My daughter and I share the master bedroom, and currently, we have only enough room to squeeze between the beds and along the bottom of the beds to get out the door.  The new master bedroom is roomier and should give us more room than the minimum to squeeze between the beds, so that my daughter can have more space to spread out her teenage girl self, and of course, for having more friends over at the same time!  Even better, if you pay a single $200 deposit, you can have as many animals in your unit as you want, and there is NO montly pet rent fee per pet.  This is great for me, because I currently have a cat who is designated as my Emotional Support Animal (ESA), so she is completely free (even of deposit), but I had been considering getting a new dog (i have a hole left in my from when my last dog, also my ESA at the time, passed away almost a year ago.  So, if I don’t have to pay pet rent, then it will be so much easier for me to afford to have a regular pet, which I can’t do at my current place, as there is both a deposit and a monthly fee.  I would really like to have a dog again.  So, there is a lot to like about moving next door.  Oh, and did I mention that not only is it larger (by about 1/3 more), and has no pet rent, but the rent is the same AND I would not have to pay Water, Sewer, Trash (which I currently pay close to $100 in addition to my rent each month).  That would mean that in addition to being larger, and no pet rent, but I would also be paying almost $100/mo LESS each month to the landlord due to not having a water bill.mixed wild flowers

So, negatives include having to go through the whole collecting boxes from WalMart in the middle of the night, putting them all together, packing everything into them, and renting a Uhaul truck to fill with the filled boxes and then drive it 1 block away to unload it all over again, and then unload the boxes and put everything in its place again.  That is a lot of work.  Plus, we have moved 4 times already since we came to Arizona in 2008, and according to my son “every move has only left us in worse and worse places, so we might as well stay put”.  Now on the other hand, my daughter really wants to move, because her sweetheart lives in the same place (that is how we even know about this place!), so then all they would have to do to see each other is step out the door and walk a few feet to the other’s door.  I must say, I am mostly in favor of moving, even though it is such a short distance away, and seems like such a waste of effort, time and money for so little a move.  I am really positive about having more space, more closets, no water bill (save me $100 ea mon!), and no pet rent, so I can get another dog.  But I hate to admit that I think my son might have hit upon a truth–we have moved to both cheaper, smaller, and less nice places each time we have moved.  Of course, that because our income has been either staying the same or declining as well.  Anyway, his words kind of haunt me, lingering in my head when I try to think of the positives of this move.  And I have worries that he may be right.  Maybe I am making another mistake that doesn’t need to be made.  Maybe I should quit looking for a fix, for something better, and just stay with what I have, what (mostly) works.  There is also the cost of coming up with first month rent and deposit, which could very well sink me and make me overdrawn.  That would be a very touchy and delicate balancing act, that logically and mathematically would and should work, but may always be tipped over by any unexpected bumps.

Well, ok that is what’s been going on with me.  I think I am starting to feel happy more often.  I think it might be sticking around now.  And I’m just all sorts of happy and excited but being torn in the other direction at the same time of not wanting to ruin what I’ve go now for something I hope will, should, could be better, but might not be.  So, I am feeling kind of torn and jumbled and not sure which way to go.  I wish there was an easy way to decide, to not take a chance that isn’t going to pan out in the end.  I guess I’ll just have to ‘let this sit’ like so many other things, and see where it leads.

lite brite flowers mixed

Love Letter to Myself


The Perfection of my Imperfections: A Love Letter to Myself

I wish you would
love your body
it carried you through the pain

love your legs
all thirty four inches of them
(impossible to buy jeans for)
.they are beautiful

love your hips
the softness of barely-there love handles
(stretch-marked and pliable)
.they are beautiful

love your belly
a curve of soft across the bones of your body
(warm and delicate)
.it is beautiful

love your face
the cut of your jaw as your cheeks dimple
(those moles that you hate)
.it is beautiful

love your hands
long fingers and broken nails
(wind-bitten skin and paper cuts)
.they are beautiful

love your hair
the strength of it unyielding
(unfashionable and wild)
.it is beautiful


i wish you would
love yourself

with the power that you love
but your own skin

your body is imperfectly perfect
and it is beautiful

~ Unknown

(found on kate is rising)

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