This post is not about any problems or troubles, or anything of the usual sort. It seems today I find myself in the position of not knowing what to do now that I have dealt with a lot of my issues. Now, I am not sure what to do or how to incorporate these resolved issues into the person who has been ill and not feeling well because of them. I kind of had it in the back of my head that I would spontaneously or magically feel better when the problems had been dealt with. Apparently, that is not how it works. I still feel the same as I did before I worked through these issues. But shouldn’t I feel, oh, I don’t know, happier? lighter? relieved? And shouldn’t I no longer be triggered? or reactive? to things I always have been that are related to the issues now solved? But the triggers aren’t gone, I am still reacting to them. So, what do I need to do to cause myself to be changed in some way (positively, I hope!) that will reflect my new truimphs and victories over these issues? To make myself be in some way different than the self that has always been, the self that has been traumatized and abused and triggered? I want to feel better, feel more positive, have more energy, and enjoy life. So now, what do I do to reap the benefits of working through my issues? How do I apply this success and change how I feel?
I have been in therapy, mostly just processing therapy, for over 10 years. The last year has been much more productive therapy as I’ve been using EMDR to work through my memories and issues. I’m about done with the EMDR, which should mean that I feel better somehow. But I just seem stuck and unable to incorporate or apply the new information into my brain. I’m still feeling the same depressed, still occassionally thinking about suicide, still tired and lethargic, still not able to cope with doing any kind of thing full time, like a job or school. When do I start improving? When do I get well?