A man I have known for a very long time, who has off and on been my lover, J, is on my mind. Really on my mind. I haven’t seen him since I left the midwest to follow my kids out to the Southwest, but calls periodically. Most of the time, he wants to talk as if the last 5 years of separation hasn’t happened. he wants to talk to me like he always did, when we wanted to be together but couldn’t, when we were together. He still thinks of me just the same, and desires me, and tells me so. He was the best lover I have ever had, the one I remember.
Since I have moved to the Southwest, I have gotten on a good (better) regime of meds. I’m the stablest I have been in over 10 years. And I entirely lost every bit of libido I ever had. For those of you not in the know, I was previously, for as long as I have had a libido, so highly sexual that it practically consumed my life, was the focus of every thought, was what I did when not in school or at work. Sometimes, I even forwent school or work in search of more sex. It was never enough.
So, I am now basically without any libido at all, but J hasn’t got the hang of that. He still talks to me like I do. I have felt awkward, uncomfortable these last 5 years, talking with him, because I don’t want to lead him on, but I don’t want to hurt him either, by saying I just don’t care about sex anymore. Not even with him. But recently, I have found myself really missing him. Not just him, as a person, but missing how we were together, how consumed with being with him I was, how he felt against me, how I felt when he touched me.
I don’t feel a change in my sex drive, except when he comes into my head. But even this is new for me, since I have been out here. I don’t know why I suddenly miss him, desire him again, but I do. I don’t know if this is a symptom, or a sign of my libido changing again, or if I just really miss everything to do with him.