Holding Pattern

I am in a holding pattern til Monday.  I am ‘holding off’ using my secret weapon.  I am ‘holding off’ feeling depressed and hopeless (although I am pretty sure its still there underneath, seeping through).  I am ‘holding off’ relaxing, enjoying, feeling safe.  I don’t know what will happen and I have no control over it either.  The whole situation with DCSE (child support agency) is still ongoing.  I had thought it would end when April ended.  When I found a way to get through it.  But it didn’t.  DCSE is STILL  refusing to pay me the support my ex has sent in.  5 payments and they won’t give me even 1 of them.  Their entire job mission is to procure the support monies and give them to the custodian of the children.  Yet they continue to accept the payments R (my ex) makes and still won’t send them to me.  They even admitted they made a mistake putting the payments on hold, and they don’t know why it happened.  Now, their excuse is, well, the work order to remove the hold is not a priority–as a matter of fact, it is at the bottom of the list of work orders, so that the ones turned in before it will all be processed first.  So they don’t even have an idea of when they will start paying me the payments R sends them.

My case manager from my mental health clinic is going to do a conference call with me and them Monday, to see if we can get the work order expedited.  If that doesn’t work, we are going straight downtown to the main DCSE office immediately, and R agreed to meet us there as well (so they cant use the excuse that it concerns his information and thus they can’t speak with me about it).  He wants this solved, because he pays his payments and wants them to get to us.  And he doesn’t want to have to pay them and then turn around and pay us also, since we don’t get the payments.  And he doesn’t want his kids to lose power, food, transportation, plus the little things like tv and phone and internet.

So, here I am all this week, waiting….’holding off’ on bad feelings,  ‘holding off’ on good feelings, ‘holding off’ on paying bills (because I only have a little money and have to choose carefully which ones get paid in case I don’t get any money from DCSE or any cash from R.).  So I’m waiting to exhale, so to speak….Waiting to see what Monday brings.  Will it bring a resolution where DCSE admits this is an urgent issue and should/will be handled right away, giving us a hard date as to when we should see a payment?  Or will it bring more of the same of what they have already done….more excuses, no information, no satisfactory resolution, leaving me and my kids in fear of not eating or of not having any power or transportation for an indeterminate amount of time….Again?

I am in a ‘holding pattern’ of not looking forward to it being resolved, so part of me doesn’t want to go there for fear my hopes will be dashed (yet again).  I am in a ‘holding pattern’ of wanting it over with because I can’t stand the not knowing, the wondering, the waiting….so I want to have it done already so I know how I should feel, so I know what I should do, what the situation is.  Finding out is terrifying; not finding out is terrifying;  the thought of even having my hopes dashed again is almost as terrifying as if that is what happens.  I can’t stand this anymore.  I can’t live like this anymore.  And since it is not in my power to change it, there is only one thing I can change.  But I have to wait until after the meeting Monday.  So, I continue in my ‘holding pattern’.

Remember What I Said About My Bad Luck?

This post may be *Triggering*

Im in a very negative space right now.  I think all the signs are pointing to telling me ‘now’s the time, go ahead’.  I haven’t received child support since March 4.  So, I have about $20 left.  So my car insurance has been cancelled, leaving me open to the state suspending my license and suspending my cars’ titles, for which they could also fine me hundreds of dollars each, plus making me get SR-22 for a time of their choosing.  And that’s just the first thing.  Next up to go are my TV and Phone, in 5 days.  Then, I can’t even afford to get bus passes now, so we can’t get anywhere–like to my appointments at the clinic next week, and to my therapy.  So, my ex insists DCSE has taken the support out of his last 3 checks, and he doesn’t know why I haven’t received it.  So I call DCSE.  After about 30 minutes on hold, I get a fellow and tell him I think the payments have been lost in the system.  He puts me on hold to check it out and comes back.  He says, “Well, there was a development on your case concerning the other party (my ex), and so the financial department (of DCSE) is holding your payments until it is resolved.”  So, I asked what is this ‘development’?  He tells me it concerns the other party and by law that is all he is allowed to say, and that he sent an email to them requesting urgently that at least one of the payments be released to me.  He adds, if the financial department decides to release a payment to me, it will be at least 10-15 days from today.  He said he was sorry, but that was the most he could do.

So, we can’t get anywhere–no bus, no car, no cab….I’ve gathered all the coins from the couch and pennies from the maxed out credit card.  I’ve got $20.  I’ll lose TV and Phone in 5 days.  And electric the first week of May.  My case manager has no solutions–just keep calling DCSE.  My therapist is trying to call places like my electric and see if they’ll work something out (I already called all my bills and explained the situation–none offered any help, except to explain what fees I will incur by not paying on time).  I can’t buy food.  And food boxes are not exactly well balanced in nutrition.  Plus, I can’t get to any of the food box locations to go get any.  I only get the 2 my case manager brings.  We got a lot of bread and canned beans this time.

I have two potential theories on why my payments are being held.  The first is that he made 3 extra payments in order to get his passport to go to China to see his fiancee.  So, they are counting those already made extra payments as payment for April, May and June.  If this is true, then that means, they won’t release anything to me until July.  How am I supposed to live without any income?  How is that GOOD for the kids? Why are they holding the money meant for the kids, and causing the kids who are supposed to get the money, to live in desperation with no electric, no transportation, no food?  Why are they forcing this to happen, when they are supposed to ensure that the kids are getting the money they need to live on?  The second theory is that my ex has made some kind of complaint to them against me concerning the manner in which I use the money.  Recently, we had a dispute, because I used the extra payments to buy my son a car (that both kids will use next year, and my daughter will the year after), and he had wanted me to use it to go toward a trip for my daughter to take.  I didn’t realize he had wanted me to use THOSE payments toward her trip, or I would have.  But I didn’t realize that, so I spent it on the car.  So, he was really, really angry at me, and hasn’t really spoken to me since.  So, I suppose it’s possible that he filed a complaint to them about how I use the money.  If this is true, and if they agree with him, it could turn out that they decide to put a Guardian Ad Litem in charge of my childrens’ monies, which means this Guardian would be in charge of how 2/3 of our household income is spent.  They wouldn’t even have to pay the bills (other than electric and food) if they think its not a necessary use of the childrens’ funds.  It would be up to them to pay any or any part of the bills.  And if this DOES happen, it could go on INDEFINITELY, with me having no control over what gets paid, when, except for the rent which uses up all my Social Security.

So, tell me again, why am I not using the final solution, the one I have in the palm of my hand?  If circumstances get ONE STEP worse, I will be in a shelter with my kids.  I’ll lose all my possessions I have gathered painstakingly over the last 4 years.  This is just about the end of the line.  Here’s the thing, if I just give the kids to my ex, all the issues with child support will stop.  All their needs will be met.  They won’t be going without food or electric or tv or internet.  They’ll be in a nice place, with all the things they need and also the others that are expected.  They’ll be with their dad.  And then it’s all fixed.  All taken care of.  But the longer I drag this out, the longer they will withhold the payments.  And the longer I keep the kids without yielding, the longer he will drag out this complaint.  All I have to do to fix everything is to give my kids to my ex.  All problems solved.  Except if I do do that, I have nothing left, nothing left to fight for, nothing at all.  Maybe I should go now, go quietly, and my kids will better off–not living like this with nothing, nothing but a shelter full of things that won’t work.  Maybe this is the best time.  By leaving now, all their problems get fixed, and life goes on….for everyone else.