Never Enough

everything i do is always wrong.  i had a little extra cash, and on the spur of the moment decided to see a movie (Lone Ranger).  my daughter opted out-not her thing, but my son was all over it.  we even went by and picked up his girlfriend.  a good time was had by all.  when it was over, my daughter called asking me to pick something up at the store for her.  Ok.  No prob.  then we dropped off my son’s girlfriend and headed home.  all in all, we were gone 3.5hrs.

my daughter was already in bed asleep, and then i saw my ex’s number on the caller id.  then i remembered i was supposed to have taken her over to him around the time i left for the movie.  so, feeling badly, i called him back to apologize.  he commenced to calmly, but slowly and sternly and evenly, tell me how much i had disappointed him by not bringing my daughter over.  how i knew it was friday.  how i hadn’t even let him know.  to which i said that it was just a spur of the moment thing, and that i was sorry that i had not been able to take her over, but it was not intentional and was purely and accident.  then i offered to bring her over early tomorrow morning.  then he again, slowly and evenly and ready to explode, reminded me of my failings tonight.  again, i apologized and said because of it being a spur of the moment thing, i just didn’t remember everything in advance.  no matter what i do, im never good enough.

so now i feel like a very naughty little girl.  i feel like i deserve to be punished.  but i know from my brain that forgetting what day it was and forgetting to bring my daughter over to him are nothing to be angry about.  disappointed, bummed, sure.  but he doesn’t have the right to make me feel small and unworthy and incapable.  and i have the right to NOT feel that way even if he tries to make me feel that way.  so now i am experiencing lots of cognitive dissonance over this.

i know i didn’t intend to miss a visitation.  I know i didn’t intend to keep my daughter and her dad apart.  i know i didn’t intend to let any down or break any rules.  i haven’t seen a movie in a theatre for about 4 yrs.  this movie tonight was a complete spur of the moment thing, and i didn’t take the time to think it out properly because i was so excited to see a movie in a theatre finally.  and this is the first time EVER that i haven’t got the kids to him on time in 2yrs of being divorced.  so i know this isnt worth worrying over, worth feeling bad about myself, or feeling that im a useless failure.  everybody makes mistakes, or overlooks things, once in a while.

and yet i still can’t quit hearing his voice saying those things he said to me on the phone, non-stop, over and over.  and everytime i hear him again, i feel a little worse and a little more deserving of being punished because i know i cant do anything right.  i just can’t make his voice go away.