IM DONE!

I HAVE HAD IT WITH MY DOCTOR, WITH MY CASE MANAGER, WITH THE WHOLE DAMN CLINIC!  I REFUSE TO GO THERE ANYMORE, EVEN THOUGH IT IS THE ONLY CLINIC I AM ALLOWED TO GO TO.  

HERE IN AZ, IF YOU ARE ON MEDICAID, AND YOU ARE DETERMINED TO BE ‘SMI’ (SERIOUSLY MENTALLY ILL)  YOU ARE ONLY ALLOWED TO GO TO ONE OF FIVE CLINICS FOR ‘SMI’S.  YOU ARE ASSIGNED TO THE ONE CLOSEST TO YOU, AND CANNOT JUST SWITCH.  ALSO, THEY ARE ALL RUN BY THE SAME AGENCY THAT CONTRACTS FOR MENTAL HEALTHCARE FOR MEDICAID FOR THE STATE.  SO THEY ARE ALL THE SAME.

SO I HAVE NO OTHER OPTIONS FOR WHERE TO RECEIVE MENTAL HEALTH CARE.  I CANNOT GO TO A ‘GENERAL POPULATION’ MENTAL HEALTH CLINIC, BECAUSE I AM ‘SMI’.  I CANNOT GO TO A DOCTOR WHO IS IN MY MEDICARE PROVIDER LIST, BECAUSE THEY DON’T ACCEPT MEDICAID PAYMENTS.  SO I WOULD HAVE TO PAY THE MONTHLY PREMIUM MYSELF FOR MEDICARE PART B, AND I WOULD HAVE TO MEET THE DEDUCTIBLE FOR PART B AS WELL BEFORE MEDICARE WOULD PAY ITS 50% FOR MENTAL HEALTH CARE.  IF I USE A PROVIDER FROM AN SMI CLINIC, THEN MY MEDICAID IS ACCEPTED, AND THE TOTAL BILL IS PAID.  ALSO, IF I GO TO AN SMI CLINIC, MEDICAID WILL PAY MY PART B DEDUCTIBLES AND PREMIUMS AND COPAYS.

SO I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE THAN TO STOP SEEING A PSYCHIATRIST, SINCE I REFUSE TO KEEP BEING TREATED LIKE CRAP AND NOT HAVING MY NEEDS MET AT THE SMI CLINIC THAT IS THE ONLY ONE I AM ALLOWED TO USE.

SINCE I AM NO LONGER GOING TO GO THERE, I CAN NOT GET MEDS ANYMORE.  SINCE I AM NOT GOING THERE, I CANNOT GET TEGRETOL LABS DONE SO MY NEPHROLIGIST DOES NOT KNOW HOW MUCH TO ADJUST MY MEDS FOR THE ACIDOSIS AND EDEMA I HAVE THAT WAS CAUSED BY THE LITHIUM AND WORSENED BY THE SWITCH OFF OF IT TO FIRST DEPOKATE AND NOW TEGRETOL.  SO HE CANNOT HELP ME IF I CANT GET PSYCHIATRIC LABS DONE.

OF COURSE, THIS ALSO MEANS THAT I CANNOT FINISH MY PHP PROGRAM (PARTIAL HOSPITALIZATION), BECAUSE IN ORDER TO BE IN IT, YOU MUST HAVE AN OUTPATIENT PRESCRIBING PROVIDER.  AND SINCE I NO LONGER DO, WELL, THAT AVENUE IS NOW CLOSED TOO.

SO I AM NO LONGER SEEING ANY DOCS OR GETTING ANY MEDS OR PARTICIPATING IN THE PHP PROGRAM.  I AM GOING IT ALONE, SINCE I AM THE ONLY PERSON I CAN COUNT ON TO BE ON MY SIDE. IT IS TRUE WHAT THEY SAY–ALWAYS LOOK OUT FOR NUMBER ONE, CAUSE NO ONE ELSE WILL.

I WILL DO ALL THE THINGS I KNOW TO DO TO TRY TO STAY STABLE, AND IF I CANT, WELL, I CAN ACCEPT THAT I WILL HAVE MANIC AND DEPRESSED AND MIXED EPISODES AND THAT I WILL JUST HAVE TO TOUGH MY WAY THROUGH THEM OR GIVE IN.  AT LEAST I WILL NOT HAVE ANY EXPECTATIONS OF THE DOCTORS OR BE DEPENDENT ON THEM FOR THINGS THAT THEY FAIL TO DO, FOR FAILING TO LISTEN TO ME AND MY SYMPTOMS.  I WILL TAKE CARE OF ME FROM NOW ON, WITH EPISODES OR NOT, AND DO THE BEST I CAN.

OF COURSE, I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT THE SMI CLINICS HAVE THE RIGHT TO PETITION AND COURT ORDER ANY PATIENT WHO REFUSES TREATMENT AND REFUSES TO TAKE MEDS OR KEEP APPOINTMENTS.  IN OTHER WORDS, BECAUSE YOU ARE SMI, THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY THAT YOU DONT HAVE THE RIGHT TO REFUSE TREATMENT AND THEY CAN COMMIT YOU.  I SAY, BRING IT ON, BITCHES!  

At What Point Is It Actually Worth It?

I just found out, since moving (and thus changing the branch of the pharmacy that I use) that for the entire last year I was paying copays on all of my mental health-related meds when I was supposed to be getting all of them for free between my Medicare and Medicaid.  This is only true for psych meds–meds for physical conditions I do have to pay a copay for that Medicaid will not cover.

Anyway, the point is, when added all up, its about $70.  Now, in my book, that is a chunk and I could do a lot with that chunk.  But on the other hand, if I need to physically interface with my alternate second payer for mental health meds (aka Magellan), that could be enough to drag me back down and drown me.   So, I don’t know how much work it will be, how many forms they will ask for, or how long it will take.  And I really don’t know if they will be pleasant to deal with either.  I do tend to have defensiveness and hostility issues when trying to get something from someplace that should make it right, but doesn’t want to, with me.  And this amount is just right on the cusp, I could go either way.  It’s enough to be a good chunk that I could really use, but if I’m gonna turn into a screaming mimi because of attitude by the reps, or because of the paperwork, or because of how long it could take,  I don’t want to get myself so frustrated and out of joint that I go off the deep-end either.

 

Some Things Done, Some Left to Do; About the Same as Usual

So, I finally have got a replacement car.  Spent several days going to dealerships for cars I saw the night before, but when I got there, they were already sold.  So I didn’t end up with a Toyota or a Honda, but I did manage to get a silver Ford Taurus (2003) that is almost immaculate inside and out.  Seems to run well-no weird sounds, or feels, or sights.  Hopefully its in as good shape under the hood as it seems.

And I have also finally squared away where we will be moving to later this month.  The lease hasn’t been signed yet, have to wait til the unit becomes actually available.  But I have put down the deposit and hold money, and my application was accepted.  The next big task will be carrying off the move and cleaning out the old apartment.  Right after that school will start again.  Whew!  Then, back to the strict routines, getting up early, going to bed early (for me)

But as good as it feels to have these two big jobs completed, there are already more on the horizon, starting with school resuming.  In therapy, every time I think I have finished something, and let it go, it seems it comes up in the context of something I am just starting on again.  So, I kinda thought I had moved past my friend, B, and past lots of things with my ‘mom’.  But in one way or another, they both keep popping up again when I start on something new.  And others do too.

My daughter, who sees the same therapist that I see, has been working on focus.  I’ve always known she is always flighty, always distracted, forever leaving bits of herself all around everywhere she goes.  And I’ve known she’s got a big, wonderful heart, infectious joie d’vivre, more compassion, more loyalty, more feelings in her little toe than anyone else has in their entire being.  And I’ve known she’s smart, and clever and funny and kind and loving.  But always slipping up and down in her grades, and struggling to get things done.  Well, it turns out that our therapist wanted to try EMDR with her, but her lack of focus and concentration has made it impossible to do any EMDR at all.  The therapist, A, has tried all the various methods of EMDR, and my daughter can’t focus on it long enough to make it work.  So, A has talked with both of us that my daughter should probably be tested for ADHD/ADD.  Which I am totally fine with.  I just can’t afford all the co-pays (R, her dad, is supposed to pay 85% of them, but I have to pay for it up front and he reimburses me sometime later).  I am going to see about having her school request the testing, which they will then pay for.  But the process takes longer and involves more paperwork.  Part of feels like I must be the one responsible for my daughter having problems, having PTSD, having ADHD, having depression.  I know I know it is not  my fault, and yet I can’t get past the fact that if she needs all this help, then I must have done something really wrong somewhere along the way.

Meanwhile, my Emotional Service Animal, aka my dog, Sunshine, is losing a little more ground every few weeks.  It started with her left front leg becoming weak and unable to support her fully when walking.  She subsequently adapted by developing a pronounced limp to accommodate that leg.  I took her to the vet, we tried several different meds, all of which worked somewhat, but whose side effects were simply intolerable.  So, I decided as long as she was still happy and healthy and excited to walk, that a limp was ok.  However recently, she has also become weak in her hind legs, moreso in the right.  This changes her gait to a kind of stagger+limp, and when something as simple as her back toenails hitting the ground a bit unevenly, she just kind of slowly crumples to the ground in a laying position, and then can’t quite figure what happened or how to get up.  Sometimes, all she needs is verbal prodding to get ‘up’, but others, I have to actually lift her hind end up and place it in a standing position and then she can start again.  Sometimes, she seems to be in another world and no matter what I do, I can’t make her move again.  Then, I have to carry her like a barrel.

And, just to top things off, apparently the ’78 T-Bird I bought my son for his first car, is about to bite the dust as well.  I knew it wasn’t any peach when I got it, but I did expect it to last at least year or so.  After dumping money into it repeatedly to fix this and then that, it turns out that now there is something wrong in the actual heart of the engine.  Diagnosing this would mean they would have to tear down and then rebuild the engine, or, pull the engine and drop in another.  Either way, the job is way too big for the car.  We’ll be better off buying a different junker than putting anymore into this one.  I really got screwed on this car.  And because of that, I’m gonna be letting my son down just as soon as the car stops running.

All in all, despite the tasks, the difficulties, some end up completed, some never are or will be, and I guess this is just life.  Right now, at this moment, with these challenges, things aren’t too bad.  I’m feeling ok, I’m managing to do what I need to and still be ok at the end of the day.  Despite my kids’ issues and problems, desires and needs, I think they are mostly ok.  And late at night, when the day is done, I think things are ok right now for all of us.

 

Some days, it just doesn’t pay to gnaw through the leather straps.

I really felt that I have been doing really well lately.  And that I have gotten a lot of positive steps taken on different goals.  For instance, I finally got (after a year of begging) my mental health clinic to send the documents needed by Voc Rehab so that they could help me get the education I need to get the job I want.  So, first, I’m actually thinking of going to school all day, every day, in the near future, and am not running and hiding under my bed when contemplating it.  And second, I finally got my case manager at my clinic to speak to the local Housing Authority, who after a 5 year wait, told me I was over the income limit by $400 annually–when over $2k of that was a one time payment my ex had to make toward child support just so he could be allowed to get his passport, which he wanted to use to visit his fiancee in China.  That payment will not be repeated, so why was Housing Authority including it?  They refused to tell me how to appeal their decision, buy my case manager finally got ahold of them, and now they say they will reconsider if I make my case in a letter.  So, I really feel that I have been able to be ‘healthy’ and ‘normal’ in dealing with this stuff, in getting the wheels rolling on these different tasks.

And then a month ago, my car was hit on the driver rear fender.  Ironically, at a church parking lot where my daughter was attending a birthday, by the pastor!!  Who didn’t even want me to report the accident.  Said he had a friend….um, yah.  So, his insurance determined he was 100% at fault.  But now they are saying my car is totaled, because the repair is more than the value of the car.  Well, for some stupid reason, Arizona (where I now find myself) forces all cars that have been totaled out by insurance companies to be given a ‘salvage’ title.  This means, they can not for any reason, be driven on any public streets or parking lots, etc. The only way to get the car on the roads again is to ‘do repairs’ and then provide receipts of such repairs to testing facilities who inspect the car to see if  1) it is safe and roadworthy, and 2) if repairs done as per receipts provided were done properly. Then you can get a ‘restored/salvage’ title, and drive it again.

My problem now is, the other insurance company won’t tell me how much my check is going to be, or how much my car is valued at, so I can determine what funds I will have if I keep it and try to go thru the ‘restore/salvage’ process, and, since the damage is only bodily, and I cant repair it because it is the whole reason the car has been totaled….will the testing facility even DO the tests if I don’t have receipts?  And if I DONT keep it, I need to have an idea of how much I’ll be given so I know what kind of replacement cars to look at.  So, here, I thought I have been doing so well, acting so normally and healthily.  I thought I was handling and controlling myself and my emotions.  Until I got so worried about this car situation, and decided to call my own insurance, thinking they would be more free with information than the other party’s insurance has been so far.  But I was wrong.  I called, I waited on hold 20 minutes, I got transferred to customer service/sales…where they perky young lady refused to tell me absolutely anything, not even in general terms, not even the basics, and transferred me back to claims…..where I waited 20 more minutes on hold before finally being (ironically, magcially) transferred to the actual same person who had initially handled my claim….except he was out of the office for the day.  So, as I found myself leaving a message for him, I suddenly teared up and could barely leave my name and number.

So, so much for thinking I might actually be ‘healthy’ and ‘normal’.  I guess, I just get to have those almost healthy and normal days to make me feel good for a minute, before I fall back into those much more common and depressing days that I have all the time…y’know, where I cry at the least frustration or explode into anger instead.  Where I can barely get myself to leave my house, to do the basics.  Well, I guess I shouldn’t have expected those ‘healthy’ and ‘normal’ days to last.  After all, I have got my own cushy spot all worn in in more typical and symptomatic days.

Crawling Back Up Again

Well, the free-fall spiraling down seems to have hit a plateau.  Now, to climb back out again and try to get back to where I was before this.  The immediate good news is my ex did end up giving us some cash to tide us over til the support check is finally released to me.  Of course, I had to sign a paper saying I would repay the cash amount when the support is finally disbursed.  But, whatever…So, I was able to pay the bills —of course,  I had to walk a 2 mile round trip to get to the gas station to buy the money orders (remember, I’m in the desert near Phoenix, so its already quite warm).  And I was able to buy food as soon as my car insurance was reinstated–which was yesterday evening.

I called DCSE (Child Support offices) but they wouldn’t tell my why they were not disbursing my payments.  They said the ex had to call, that it concerned him.  So, he did, just this past Monday.  Turns out, they only just got the memo that he was applying for a passport (he applied in January, met the requirements to obtain it, and has already been to China and back by March), and they hadn’t gotten the subsequent ones, so they thought he wasn’t allowed to go and so they for some reason decided it would be a good idea to make the children suffer for his wanting a passport by not paying it out to me.  So he explained he had already gotten his passport and done all the things he was required to do to get it, and had already been on his trip and returned, and that it made no sense to stop sending the money he is paying to his kids who are supposed to be getting it.  So they looked into it again, and VOILA!  Lo and Behold, there was absolutely NO REASON for them to be holding my disbursements of his payments for last 2 months and THEY DONT EVEN KNOW WHY THEY PUT A HOLD ON IT IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!

So, basically, DCSE randomly decided to hold my payments for 2 months, even tho the ex was making the payments.  So, FOR NO APPARENT REASON,  DCSE almost got me and the kids evicted, homeless, and without transportation or food.  Actually, I still haven’t received my first payment.  They said Monday that I should have it by 5 days.  But I didn’t get anything so far, and its Saturday—6 days.   So, the ex is gonna have to call them back and demand they make a payment to me AGAIN!

Even though I haven’t got a payment yet, things are at least not getting worse.  I can drive again, and we have food and power.  So, at least that’s something.  I have decided to move to a 2 bdrm (me and my daughter will have to share one) so that then I will not be spending all my Social Security payment on rent.  Instead, I’ll have some left after rent on a 2 bed (as opposed to now, where I have none left paying on a 3 bed).  So, what I have left will pay for the things I can’t be in fear of not having–like power, water, phone, car insurance.  That way, if anything like this ever happens again with the DCSE/child support not being paid to me, at least we won’t be in fear of losing everything.  The basics will be guaranteed.  So, this means a new project–apartment hunting (again!) and moving (ugh!  again!).  Our lease is up August 8, so I want to sign or put a deposit on something in early July.    I’m really, really hoping that spending less on rent will ensure that the basics will always be paid, no matter what happens with the support money.  I really hope this move will end up being worth it, and not just another huge waste of time, effort and money.  again.

Oh, and just in case you start to get any ideas that things are looking up and no problems are on the horizon, I remind you that I am THAT PERSON who ALWAYS  has bad luck.  Yep, today my son’s car started leaking some fluid.  We tentatively think it might be coming from the gas tank (which I just had the entire fuel system and carb replaced, so it BETTER NOT be from the gas tank!) But whatever is leaking, it can’t be good.  Can’t be cheap, altho even cheap at this stage is exorbitant to me.  We are still functioning on the bare minimum of everything.  So, of course, we escaped being evicted only to jump into a new fire of care repairs (also, AGAIN!).

Many of the days since my last post were very, very close to being the last.  And I just wanted to post this so everyone will know I’m still here (for today, anyway), even tho things haven’t exactly righted themselves, at least we have stopped sinking (for the moment).  And thanks to those who lent me their support and words.

More Bad News

Of course its bad news.  Duh.  It is ME we’re talking about here!  So, just to be thorough, I contacted every bill I have and explained that I am disabled and a single mother, and received $0 child support this month and can’t pay any bills.  Not ONE, not ONE SINGLE BILL, could do anything to help me, except of course tell me all the late fees and ect. that I will incur and that it will go on my credit report as well.  And oh, my car insurance, ya, they’ll cancel the shit out of that in 2 days and report to the state that my cars are uninsured.  Which is illegal.  Which Arizona is one of the strictest about car insurance laws, and they hunt you down to nail you on it.  Which is like a several hundred dollar fine.  Plus high-risk SR-22 insurance after you get fined.  Wow.  I’m so so so fucking glad I tried to be responsible about all these bills, just to get shat on yet again.  Why did I even bother?  Of course, I have exemplary payment history with all my bills, but that doesn’t count for shit when you’re in trouble and need a break.  Then you’re just some joe blow who is irresponsible and all your good history goes right out the fucking window!  It isn’t just this, its every time you do things right, and you’re always responsible, and it never counts.  No matter how hard you try, how good you are, when it comes down to it, you’re just another piece of trash in the gutter and you are never, never, never gonna fucking get out.  You might as well forget it.  You might as well forget any dreams of it ever improving or ever catching a break.  Cuz it’s not gonna fucking happen.  So, there’s really no reason to bother trying.

If It Wasn’t For Bad Luck, I Wouldn’t Have No Luck At All…

Ah, Cream…one of my favorite bands.  And they got it so so right in this song.  Although I wasn’t born yet when they wrote it, I think somehow they knew they were writing this about me.  I just found out I am being denied subsidized housing, after being on the list for 5 years, and after being in subsidized housing just 6 months ago (but had to move because of my ‘friend’, B, who had a stroke, and they wouldn’t let her move in).  So, in just 6 short months, they are now claiming that I am over the limit by $60/mo!! Yes, that extra $60 really makes a difference–I so don’t need any help with rent cuz of that big whopping $60 each month!  And just how much is that per year?  A ginormous $400 over the limit.  Wow!  I feel so glad to know I should be able to afford housing on my own because I have an extra $60/ mo.  I shouldn’t be bitching that my rent takes up 2/3 of total income.  I should be praising the subsidized housing gods for wasting 5 years of my life on empty promises, knowing that now I should have smooth sailing because I can afford to pay ‘normal’ rent, all because of the $60.  And what about my being in subsidized housing a mere 6 months ago, and now not qualifying?  Turns out the extra $400 a year is from one extra child support payment my ex made in Feb, because he wanted a passport to go to China to see his fiancee.  In order to get it approved, he had to pay extra to me just in case he didn’t come back.  So, my ex’s lovelife has torpedoed my shot at subsidized housing.  And the housing authority didn’t even care that the payment was a one time thing, that he won’t have to do it again if he travels,  that if you remove that one payment from my 12 month income, I would qualify and be getting help, just like I did 6 months ago.  I asked if I could appeal, and the so lovely and sympathetic (sarcasm) lady said no.  No, there is no appeal.  There is no having this issue brought to someone higher up.  This is it.  One extra child support payment and now I’m so fucking rich I don’t need assistance.  Yep, I can now easily afford to pay 2/3 of my income to rent, and the final third to bills and food.  Wow.  I feel great being so rich.  And get this, I now am still approved for food stamps, but the amount they give me each month is $0.  Wow!  I feel so blessed to be so rich.  I’m struggling more than people with $60 less income now.  Aren’t I fucking special?!  Now, I’m terrified they are going to take away my dual eligibility (If you’re poor enough, and you’re on medicare for disabled people, you also qualify to get the remainder of you medical expenses paid by the state medicaid program).  So, now I’m afraid they take my medicaid and I’ll end up having to pay premiums, deductibles, copays and 50% of all services rendered by medicare. Which I obviously can’t afford to pay, which would mean that even though I’d still have medicare paying half the cost of services, it would still be too expensive for me to go to my doctors, or to get my medications.  So, if they take my medicaid, I pretty much lose all insurance since I won’t be able to afford to use the remaining coverage.  Anyway, that’s the only benefit I still have that hasn’t been taken away (so far) because of $60.

So, ya, all that sounds fair, right?  and I should be tickled to be so rich, right?  And this is Good luck?  I don’t think so….But that’s my kind of luck, anyway, the kind that keeps on kicking you when you’re down.  Is it any wonder every time I try to pull myself up, I find myself kicked back down to the floor again?  No wonder I can’t ever get anywhere, improve my situation.  I’m destined to stay in the gutter no matter what or how hard I work to move up.

Just Shut UP and Agree!

I have drilled SO many things into my head over the years, by me (to remember what to do or not do) and by others (like, you’re worthless, stupid, crazy, etc.) and now these things are automatics, things I accept now.  So why can’t I drill something in now?  Especially since it’s something I’ve been trying to drill in to remember automatically for a really long time.  I keep trying to remember to just agree and keep my mouth shut!  but I can’t seem to get it in there for some reason.

In my state, there are 3 paths of mental health care: 1) Private Pay, 2) Medicare and/or Medicaid—a) SMI (seriously mentally ill) or General Mental Health (‘regularly’ ill, I guess).  S MI people are required to go to only specific clinics that see only SMI people.  You are supposed to get more care, more support services, etc. this way.  All GMH people can go to any clinic other than SMI clinics.  So, I am classed as SMI, and go the SMI clinic I was assigned to.  The problem is, not only do they not really provide extra services or supports, I get upset EVERYTIME  I go there!  I can’t understand why they always manage to trigger me and get me to blow up!  I really can’t understand tho, why I don’t just REMEMBER to JUST SMILE AND AGREE!!   

I mean, what does it matter that my shrink thinks I drink too much water?  Instead of arguing my position and explaining why I drink that much, and getting ticked off with him, why can’t I just remember to SMILE AND AGREE?? When he asks me about my suicidal thoughts, and I tell him, and then he says ‘you don’t want to do that, your spirit would be stuck between places’, why do I have to get into a philosophical and theological debate?  Why can’t I just let it go and JUST AGREE?! Why, when he tells me my therapist is wrong about diagnosing me with DID, do I even try to argue?  Why can’t I just let it go and AGREE?  Why, when he tells me to see the nurse to get my lab slip and I do and she prints out the wrong one (as always) and I point it out, do I have to join in the argument that she thinks she’s right when I know I’m right?  Why can’t I just AGREE?!   When after my appointment I meet with my Case Manager (and today also my Rehab counselor) and the Rehab gal says even tho I already have a case open with Voc Rehab and all they needed to get me services was a packet from my clinic, I am working with the wrong Voc Rehab counselor and I need to come to the clinic to meet the correct one.  And I need to close my already open case and start all over, because I’m not doing it right and Voc Rehab does NOT need my packet from the clinic—I just need to start all over with the RIGHT Voc Rehab counselor at the clinic instead.  WHY can’t I just SHUT UP and AGREE with her instead?

I HATE going to my clinic!  I HATE that every time I go there, every person I talk with, everything I ask for or about, I am ALWAYS in the wrong.  I am ALWAYS getting triggered, and then Anti-Kitty jumps in.  Then We have to fight, as though it’s that important.  And We know none of this is THAT important.  Even if I AM usually right, is it really worth getting triggered and so upset that We switch and lose it with all the people we deal with in the clinic?  I don’t think it’s that important, even if I AM right.  I just want learn to remember to STOP ARGUING AND JUST AGREE!!! Why can”t I get this lesson into my head??  Why can’t I just agree instead of getting so upset and looking like the completely crazy psycho out of control patient they (get riled up in the first place) and expect to see?  Why can’t I just learn to AGREE? Why can’t we just quit letting them trigger us about everything by JUST AGREEING??  I just need to learn to remember to AGREE no matter what.

Worries Begone

Well the good news is I talked with my therapist about all the worrying I’ve been doing, things that are always in the back of my mind, and sometimes too much in the front of it.  And what is the good news?  I don’t have to worry about them!

My worries about not getting better and my opposite worries about actually getting better, DON’T have to be worries at all!  I was so relieved when she told me, even though I didn’t quite believe her at first.  But she explained that as long as I didn’t feel ready to go back to normal life, ready to work full time, then that meant I’m not ready yet.  And so, since I’ll be seeing her up to at least that point, that she will know I’m not ready (obviously!) and so I don’t need to worry about her saying to a Social Security review board that I am ready.  Ad she also said since I have been categorized by the state as ‘SMI’ (some states use this to group Seriously Mentally Ill persons into one system so they receive all or most of their services from a single location.) my case will remain open basically forever (even if I recover completely) as long as I need meds.    Sooo, the upshot is,  my therapist’s notes will show if I am ready to return to ‘normal life and work’ or if I’m not based on ME!  And my clinic will keep me active indefinitely.  So, I don’t need to worry about if I look too healthy for how I feel, or feel too depressed or fragile for how I look!  Which also means, I don’t need to worry about a Social Security review.    Long story short, nothing about my situation will change, until I’m ready for it to.

And she also said it is ok to feel both still not recovered AND better at the same time.  And that I will know it when I truly feel good again.

Anyway, I was just so thrilled with her explanation and reassurance that for the first time in 4 years I am not carrying those worrisome burdens around, wearing myself out being afraid of losing everything all over again.  Now, I can finally take that tumor out, worry less, feel more comfident, and free up space in my brain for other much more worthy worries.

Please Call!

 

PLEASE RE-POST!!!

PLEASE CALL YOUR REPRESENTATIVE!!

For anyone who doesn’t already know, or in case I haven’t said it, I’m on Social Security Disability due to how my symptoms of my mental illnesses affect me, causing me to be unable to work, and well, basically, to do anything other than be a mom to my kids.  So, all the proposed changes and cuts to Medicare and Social Security benefits are really really important to me (and anyone over 65, or who is disabled and cannot work).  So, I am posting a plea from the AMA Action Network that I received today to not allow anymore cuts to Social Security, and another from The Progressive Change Committe, asking to vote against stopping any new COLAs.  All it asks is that you call your State Representatives and ask them not to vote for the proposed changes that would stop any new Cost of Living Adjustments to those on Social Security Retirement or Disability and also to stop any further cuts.  I think this is a really important issue, and not just cuz I am receiving that benefit, but because one day, all of us will be elderly and will be depending on the Social Security Retirement benefit that we have paid into our entire working lives.  This proposal, by Obama (!), must not become law!

 

PLEASE RE-POST!!!

PLEASE CALL YOUR REPRESENTATIVE!!

Ok, so here it is….:

You are receiving this email because you subscribed to the Patients’ Action Network. Not interested anymore? Unsubscribe.

Tell Congress: Failure in preventing Medicare cuts is not an option! Dear K, Inconceivably, patients are once again watching Congress come too close to the edge and risking irresponsible Medicare payment cuts. An impossibly steep 26.5 percent Medicare cut for all physician services is scheduled for Jan. 1 and the threat is growing day by day that Congress will do nothing but defer action until next year — once cuts have already been enacted. Inaction by Congress gambles with the access to care that Medicare patients rely on! Demand that Congress act before Jan.1 by contacting your representative and senators — send them an urgent email by clicking here and call their offices through our grassroots hotline at1-888-434-6200. Time and again lawmakers have agreed that the Medicare sustainable growth rate (SGR) formula and annual threat of cuts is flawed, only to respond with short-term solutions and partisan games instead of permanently resolving the problem. Allowing cuts to occur on Jan. 1 and waiting until next year to act will interrupt access to care for Medicare beneficiaries. Failure and mismanagement by Congress in preventing cuts would seriously undermine Medicare’s ability to act as a reliable health insurance program. This is unacceptable. For the health and benefit of patients, Congress must act before Jan. 1! Email and call today at 1-888-434-6200 back to top

---

Call Rep. Flake today.

K,

URGENT: The Washington Post reports that President Obama just offered Republicans an “across-the-board cut in Social Security benefits.”

Action is needed now. Can you call Representative Jeff Flake and ask him to publicly oppose the White House deal? Click here for the number and a script.

Ironically, Republican members of Congress may be key to defeating a bad deal, so your call today will make a big difference.

The president’s proposal would cut cost of living adjustments for seniors (and veterans and others). You may hear policy wonks refer to this as “chained CPI.”

The Washingon Post explains, “Adopting chained CPI would, in effect, cut Social Security benefits.” Nobel economist Paul Krugman writes in the New York Times that “there’s no good policy reason to be doing this” and calls it “cruel and stupid.”

Our polls show that by 5 to 1, voters in swing states and even the president’s home state of Illinois oppose these cuts! That means even Republican politicians should care.

Can you give Rep. Flake a call today and ask him to publicly oppose the White House’s proposed deal?

Thanks for being a bold progressive.

— Stephanie Taylor, Adam Green, Matt Wall, Karissa Gerhke, and the PCCC team

P.S. Here are more things you can do today.

1) We’re organizing a “waterfall” of public comments from congressional offices and progressive allies, opposing these cuts. You can follow us on Twitter or on Facebook to witness the growing chorus!

2) Thousands of Americans are promising to hold accountable Democratic politicians who support cuts to Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid benefits. Click here to join the accountability pledge.

3) We set up an ActBlue page to highlight and reward bold progressive members of Congress who are speaking out publicly today. Check them out and donate $3 to them here.

---

Want to support our work? PCCC’s Draft Warren campaign was named The Nation’s “Most Valuable Campaign of 2011”! And our tiny staff ensures that small contributions go a long way. Chip in $3 here.

Paid for by the Progressive Change Campaign Committee PAC (www.BoldProgressives.org) and not authorized by any candidate or candidate’s committee. Contributions to the PCCC are not deductible as charitable contributions for federal income tax purposes.

 

PLEASE DO NOT LET THEM DISMANTLE SOCIAL SECURITY/ MEDICARE!!  WE WILL ALL BE RETIRED/ELDERLY ONE DAY!!  THOSE OF US ALREADY RETIRED OR DISABLED DEPEND ON SOCIAL SECURITY/MEDICARE!!  PLEASE CALL YOUR REPRESENTATIVE TODAY!!  PLEASE REPOST THIS POST ON YOUR BLOG!!  DO NOT LET OUR ELDERLY AND DISABLED BE FORCED TO THE STREET!!