Aarrgh!

This is what I’m talking about.  This is exactly what I mean when I say no matter how good I do, regardless of how well I do, I always end up right back in that hole I started out in at my lowest point.  I never really truly get ‘better’–whatever that might mean anyway;  but one thing’s for sure, I’m not it, and no matter how I try, or how much I start to believe, I never will be.

So, for about a month, I have finally been feeling (dare I say it?) pretty good.  Not like run and hop and skip and jump and stuff, but just an absence of the normal heaviness, weight, and inertia.  For the first time in almost 7 years I was actually feeling free, easy.  Like I could just do something without fighting myself to do it.  Like things were easy finally.  And I kept telling myself, ‘Self, don’t get used to this.  It won’t last (it never does!) Keep being aware of this nice, pleasant-feeling place, of how easy it is to be alive again. ‘  But alas, I did forget, I did lose perspective of it.  And then I fell back down, down down down into the hole it took 7 years to climb out of.  Funny how I could forget how this place feels after such a short time away.  But it’s all rushing back to me now, and I see how I never really got out.  It was but a dream, the feelings of weightlessness, of easiness.  But the dream is over now.

And all it took to burst that pleasant bubble was trying to find a package that should have been delivered, but wasn’t, and now seemingly has ceased to exist (not unlike me).   Yep, that’s right.  A notice in my mailbox that a package had been left with my apartment manager led me to the manager’s office to collect said package.  But the package doesn’t really exist.  The manager looked, but no package had been left for me with her.  She did say sometimes when she must leave the office for an errand, the postman can’t get in to leave the package, but may have left the note in the box already.  So this means the local post office should still have the package.   So, I spent hours on the phone since Tuesday trying to reach any living and breathing person at the local post office number.  No one ever answered the phone there.  I mean,  I let it ring 50+ times, then hung up and dialed again, etc. for hours on Tuesday and Wednesday.  No one ever ever ever answered.  So today, I decided to get smart and instead of calling only the local office, I would call the main 800  number instead and ask them for a way to reach a live person to find out about this package that wasn’t left for me.  After waiting on hold for 50 min, I finally had a live agent answer the line!  Whoo-hoo!  Almost enough for a champagne celebration!  But no, if you did, you’d have to throw it down the drain now, because the so called customer service rep (ie lack of customer service rep is more accurate!) told me the only thing she could do was give me the same number as on the website, and no, she couldn’t say why they are not answering their phones except they must be awfully busy.  I snorted in derision.  I asked if she were to let her phone ring 50+ times, would she get reprimanded.  She answered with ‘i didn’t do do that, so I don’t know’.  So I asked if there wasn’t a supervisor at the local post office whose name and direct number I could have.  The answer to that was ‘we don’t have any supervisors. ‘  And I burst out laughing and asked how that could be, that the entire US Postal Service could have NO supervisors AT ALL, ANYWHERE, EVER!! and her answer was ‘what can I help you with, maam’.  So, I refreshed her memory about the missing package and the post office that no one works at and the lack of supervisors anywhere, to which she answered, ‘what can I help you with maam’.  So, I refreshed her memory again, and guess what?   Yep, that’s right, you’ve guessed it—‘what can I help you with maam’ AGAIN!!  That was all she would say to anything I asked.  Now that it had been 2 hours since I first dialed the phone, and almost an hour holding, and now almost another hour being told ‘what can I help you with maam’ I finally snapped.  I broke, again, when I should have just hung up.  Should have just driven to the post office and asked for the package in person.  Should have just not let it become something I was so invested in, so wrapped up in.  But I just couldn’t.  I just wanted a real answer, a straight, helpful, honest answer.  Even if they couldn’t help.  Why did they have to lie to me?  Especially such obvious lies.  Why would one of the largest businesses in the country not answer its phone?  Or not ‘have any supervisors?’  Are they really that stupid–or do they really think ALL of us who call are that stupid?

In any case, the point here is that for a long while now I have really improved with this kind of thing, this kind of phone call, etc.  I used to end up screaming at the person within minutes of getting connected with them.  But for several months now, I have been able to have ‘normal’ resolution-seeking or information-seeking calls with even the most unhelpful of representatives without being reduced to either tears of frustration or becoming a screaming mimi in the face of their idiocy.  I actually thought I had solved that issue and now I remember why I told myself to not hold my breath.  Because no matter how much more ‘well’ I become, more stable, more calm and rational, I am and always will be who I have always been.  No matter how I hide it, or avoid it, the real me will always be there, always ready to show itself again.

So, now I know why I thought my life, my troubles, my issues were pointless to mention.  Because no matter how much you dream, struggle, hope, nothing ever really truly changes.  It just pretends to sometimes, and then when it will hurt you the most, it comes back up in your face again to remind you of who you really are,  who you will always be.