A few posts ago, I said I had done some training to do some different jobs at the Animal Shelter. And I had no problems remembering when to go in for the various trainings, or getting there, or anything that might usually hold me up and make me late or just not able to get there. And if you know this, you also know this is the first kind of ‘work’ I’ve attempted since I before I became disabled. That means its been 6+ years since I have done anything at all resembling work.
So, why am I bringing this up now? Because the last 4 consecutive times I was scheduled to work at the Animal Shelter I have blanked on it completely until it is too late for me to go there and do any good. I even wrote myself notes. I mean lots of notes. I went to bed, and knew I needed to remember going to the shelter the next day, so I left myself a note by my clock on my bedside table, on my kitchen calendar, on my coffee pot, on my computer monitor. I thought, good. I won’t be able to miss seeing all of those notes, and I’ll remember to get to the shelter on time. But what really happened is that I got up the next day, and never saw a single note, even though those are all places I go to each morning. I never saw a note or remembered any thing about the shelter at all for each of the 4 occasions in a row. Well, I remembered eventually. When I would have been coming home from the shelter, if I had remembered to go in the first place.
So, today was the 4 time in a row that I forgot that I was scheduled at the Shelter. 4th. I didn’t even remember at all until 5, which is when I would have been finished. I can remember the whole week until the day I ‘m supposed to go. Then the whole day I’m supposed to be there, I have no recollection at all that I even volunteer there ever! Something is totally wrong here. And I can’t blame it on anyone or anything except my own brain, my own self. Maybe I’m too scared still to try to be doing any worklike activity at all, even volunteering with the animals. Maybe its just too much stress to have an obligation to be somewhere and have people and animals relying on me. Maybe there are more others that I don’t know and they don’t want to work or volunteer. Maybe somehow volunteering or working is so triggering that I can’t go. I have no idea what is going on, what is wrong. I only know I can’t seem to do anything worklike right now. I don’t know what I should do….just stop for now? Or push myself harder to do it? GRRRRR. This time, it’s my own fault, and I am perplexed.