I’m Back, Pt. 1

Well to those of you who have followed me faithfully you’ll know I’ve been MIA for about a year or so.  I was just too down to write. It started slowly, just not wanting to write.  But the longer it went on, the harder it was to do anything, especially write about it.  I couldn’t even tell it was depression for the longest time because I wasn’t feeling sad or crying. I just wasn’t feeling.

In October last year, my son, (who has converted to Mormon) left on a mission to Chile, and in the following 4 days my daughter and I had a huge argument.  I don’t remember any of it.  She says I said some awful things and won’t forgive me.  She refused to stay at home and went to her boyfriend’s place. I checked myself into the hospital.

While I was in the hospital, for 3 weeks, she and her boyfriend lived in my apartment,being generally supervised by my friend and neighbor. On the day of my discharge, I came home to a tornado of destruction in my apartment, with clothes and laundry and personal items and things off of shelves all in a mix throughout the apartment on the floor, knee high. I became aware my daughter had moved out. The question was where.

I called the police as she was a missing person as far as I could tell.  3 days later I got an email from her saying she was at her dad’s in Oregon (we’re in AZ).I was home from the hospital for 3 weeks cleaning the apartment (yes, it took that long) and combined with the loss of my daughter I just felt the ground go out from under my feet again and ended back up in the hospital.

 

I Think I’m a Bad Bad Girl

So, y’all probably know I’m moving on Monday, so we are packing starting today.  And y’all probably know I’m all wonky from switching meds and its not working right now.

So, I found out I could take a Title Loan that I already had and have it refinanced at a different Title Loan company for less interest and shorter terms.  Plus, a little bit more cash too, for the deposit on the new apartment.  So, I really wanted to get this done today, so all my ducks would be in a row on Monday.  But they needed 3 personal references.  Well, as it turns out, I don’t actually know 3 people on a ‘personal’ level.  I mean, I know doctors, and nurses, and clinicians, and other caregivers.  But I only know 2 people who are actually willing to say they know me, they are not caregivers, and they think I’m reliable enough to give a Title Loan to.  So, that about shot my whole day, and burst every bubble I had left, and I about lost it right that moment.  So, eventually, after 3 hours, and after running through my cell phone contact list for the nth time, I finally thought, “Why don’t I call my Case Manager at my Mental Health Clinic, and maybe she will do it,” following the logic that my Case Manager is someone who can help me access resources in the community, and stand up to say I’m a real person, and do it professionally, because it is a way of advocating for me, a way of getting me resources, etc.  So, I took a big breath and a big chance, and I called her up at the clinic, and she was actually in (!!) and so I asked, and she was very nice and said, “Sure”, right away.  I was so thrilled.  But then, after I hung up, I told the agent she could call my CM at the clinic to verify me,  and the agent says, “No, it has to be a call the agent makes to the other person’s reference’s cell phone or home phone.”  So, I call back to the clinic, get my CM, and tell  her that, and she is suddenly very displeased, maybe distant sounding.  Not exactly angry, or mad, but not happy.  She tells me she never gives her numbers out to clients, so I say, that’s ok, I don’t mind that, I get that.  And I do.  But how was I going to get this to work now?  So, the agent person finally agrees to talk to my CM on my cell at the clinic just to get my CM’s cell number and then call her back to prove it was her.  So, that was it, I got the money then.

But right away, I felt so so bad.  I knew right away I had crossed the line, expecting others to do things for me that I don’t have a right to expect.  Pushing whatever relationship I have with someone to the edge, just milking it to get absolutely everything I can from it.  Sucking them dry.  Abusing them and taking advantage wherever I see I can.  I know she must be mad at me now, I know she must think badly of me.  She is probably really thinking how she went so out of her way to help me on Thursday, by getting me in to an ER appointment at the clinic for my meds being wrong on Monday that I just took that from her, and now I’m just take take taking by getting her to be a reference to my Title Loan.  How can I be a grown up woman and only know 2 people (personally) who will admit to knowing me and thinking that I am not a serial killer?  My ex wouldn’t even answer his phone, my only living family (the elderly sisters who are my  cousins, whom I recently saw, and whom have now been bullied, threatened and intimidated to not talk to me by my step mom) refused to answer the phone as well…because they knew it was me by the caller ID.  So, those 3 people, step mom, cousins, and ex…not one would be a reference for me to get a Title Loan.  So, I have only 2 people who even admit to knowing me, and to thinking I’m an ok human being.

And now, I know, I’m not a good person.  I’m nothing but a bother, a burden.  And I just can’t stop taking, pushing people further and further away because I just don’t know when it’s too much.  I should have known not to call my CM.  I should have known before I tried that it was inappropriate, that it was a violation of the client relationship thingy, that I was crossing too many boundaries.  And now, I’ve been bad.  Very bad.  I know I’m very naughty.  I feel so guilty about this.

Maybe I can quit thinking of this while I make myself pack for our move on Monday.  Think I’m gonna go to bed soon–not feeling very manic tonight (finally, ffs!) since I have been up for the last several days but not able to be organized or productive.

Eeny meeny miny mo….

well time to head off to bed 🙂

Maybe…

Maybe I’m not really sick anymore.  Maybe I just learned it’s easier to say I am.

Maybe if I just tried again, got up on that horse again, I could be someone.

Maybe I was never sick to begin with, just sick of life.

Maybe I’m really better now, Maybe things are better now,

But I won’t give them or me a chance to grow, a chance to bloom, to afraid to fail

Again.

 

What will happen if I open the door, Open the door to life again?

What will happen if I step outside, step outside of my safe place again?

Step outside into the real world again, with expectations, obligations, and responsibilities?

Where I have to perform like the elephants at the zoo and the monkeys at the circus?

 

What if I make mistakes, What if I can’t perform anymore?

What if I can’t make the grade, fail to beat the score, can’t move fast enough anymore

Can’t keep up with the pace, find myself again failing the race.

Lose my place, keep trying anew, finding I can’t make a fit anywhere.

 

Things going wrong, haywire again, find myself stuck back inside

Unable to venture out, unable to win, the bar too high that was once so near.

Finding I’m back at the bottom, but this time there is no net

No one believes I can’t make it yet.  They say I’ve had time enough

To get back into that groove, can’t keep quitting when it gets too tough.

 

No more support, no more kindness, no more safety net to catch me now.

End up back in my head, can’t get out ever again

Can’t leave my shelter, my safe space, I know now

No one will believe me if I try again and fail.

 

They will say she is just not ill, She is just too lazy

To do her share.  She is selfish, expects the world to

Work for her and us to tell her so.  She wants to wallow

In her despair, Brought on by her own failures.

 

The system will say she had her chance, that if she had been telling the truth

She never would have tried again.  She just could have stayed inside, no one

Ever questioning the tide.

 

But maybe I was wrong, all those years ago…

Maybe I wasn’t really sick, just swallowed up in my own sadness,

In my inability to change my life.  Maybe I just gave up, gave in,

To my inner world that said I’d never win.

 

Maybe I should have kept trying, and I would not be so stuck today

On whether I deserve a second chance at life, or whether I should stay.

Inside.  Safe.

 

So I’ll never know if I could have won, Never know if I could do it again.

The risk is just too high, can’t be a failure all over again.

Once is enough, and done is done.

Threads

So, in my last post, “They Keep Pulling Me Back In”, I laid out all the issues I am dealing with currently.  So, I decided the best thing is to keep each thread sorted from the others.  Then they seem less threatening and dangerous.  So, I actually made a list of the items I listed in last night’s post.  So, now I have decided they will be less overwhelming if I make an ‘Action Plan’ of steps to follow to reach the set goal.  That way, I will kind of have a flow chart for each issue, and each day I will know what the next actionable step is for each item.  For instance, if I am waiting for follow up from another party, then I can leave another message or just leave it for a day or so to see if I get the return call.  Since my notes always get all mixed up with things from several issues all noted on the same notebook page, I will make a full size flow chart for each item, with each blank piece of paper being one actionable step for that item.  That way, I will have all my notes for each topic sorted by time as they occurred and I can see what has been done and is left to be done and I won’t have to read through each notebook page for the notes on a single topic that are spread throughout the entire notebook.  Usually, I don’t need to be this drastic or visual…but there are so many threads I am following at the moment, and each of them has so many steps yet to follow and so many notes that need to be included on what has already been done, who has been talked to, what information has been gathered, etc.  So, since these are just all jumbled in my head, I think this time I will try this oversize and drastic measure of making really large postits out of regular paper for each step for each thread will help reduce stress cause I will know what to do each day and it won’t be all mixed up together.

I think I might have rambled a bit here, and repeated myself (which is also another reason to do these action steps in big clear sections).  So, I’m sorry if I’ve gone on and on about the same thing and going in circles.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll get myself going in a straight line and making some headway.  Fingers crossed.

Just When I Think I’m Out….They Pull Me Back In

Thanks, Al Pacino, as the youngish Don in Godfather 2 for that quote and sentiment.

Tonight, just a list. A ‘food for thought’ kind of list.  A list that says, ‘how am I supposed to be getting well, when “it just keeps getting piled higher and deeper” ‘ kind of list.  Well, enough confabulating, the list:

Son’s car repairs, beyond what he can pay from his salary as part time at Taco Bell–$310.  Without this repair, the car will not pass emissions testing and will not get its tags and will be undriveable. The testing must be completed by the end of this month. 

My car repairs, which cannot be completed because I still owe the shop half the money from the last repairs.  And because my son’s car is already off the road.  $–unknown (due to accident, see later on list)

My son’s school fees-$200.  Daughter’s school fees-$200.  Son’s clothing needs-Some of everything.  Daughter’s clothing needs–all of everything.  Total-$400’ish.

Moving costs for August 3-rent on old place, rent on new place, +$300 deposit on new place, plus renting a moving van for 1 day-$50.

Copays ex just reimbursed me for that now have to go to other costs than to reimburse me.  Still need to pay provider the copays ex just gave me tho.  Hmm…$200’ish.

Insurance company for woman who rear-ended me on freeway in May.  On June 30, representative for insurance said they accepted 100% responsibility, but in mail 10 days later, written notice they were denying any responsibility.  They still had their adjustor come and do estimate (he said it was definitely the other car that caused all my damage, and he has completed and sent in his report–I talked to him to be sure).  They refuse to return my calls, even though their voicemail says will reply in 24 hours, I have left messages every day since June 5th.  Meanwhile, my car is driving very scary and am afraid to use it, or to have it seen at my shop, cause if I fix it, then the other insurance definitely won’t reimburse me.  Actually, this is the insurance that refuses to call me back:

Got divorce finalized in December 2011, applied for deferment or waiver at time of filing, so I had to pay nothing at that time.  Have never received anything from court since, until, July 15 when they sent me a collection notice for 20% interest in 30 days time if not paid in full by end of July–$400.  Told them I could pay it in September, they said too bad, so sad.  Pay or go to collections. Or try to get new deferral, but it won’t be approved because is from so far back.  Apparently, that is not their responsibility that they did not bill me appropriately, I was supposed to know I had a bill for x amount and pay it without a statement or invoice, etc.  They said I did not update my address, I said I did, and I had the scanned documents to prove it that I mailed in, and the postmark would prove it.  They said it has to be in person update of address to their specific court billing department, and that the normal updating of address for court is not for them and means absolutely nothing, even though I could prove I had sent it in.

Oh, and additionally, I get to refile for modifications to my divorce child custody and support and insurance, since my ex just told me he’s moving out of state on Friday, so he won’t be seeing the kids on weekends anymore and so he will have to increase the amount he pays in support for each of them.  Wonder what the fees for filing that will be, on top of the above $400 from 2011 that I was magically supposed to know about.  Maybe they can roll it all together?  And hit me for it all at once?  so I’ll be even more broke–if I get any more broke, I’ll be homeless eating at soup kitchens.  And I’m not being mellow dramatic.  And this is the courthouse and court that is acting so ridiculous:  

And then there’s the things that don’t cost money, but are so much fun to deal with that I just couldn’t leave them out.

First one, a 1.5hr conversation with a supervisor in my ‘team’ at my mental health clinic where I was trying to request a perishable food box, not the dry goods one.  I knew they were separate and from separate places.  But I didn’t know the names/labels the staff and case managers used to refer to them.  So, it turns out Food Box A-Dry Goods, is from a church and requires one’s case manager to fill a form out with the client a week before it is delivered to the clinic for client pick up.  You can only make one request for Food Box A-Dry Goods in a 3 months period.  I have never filled out a form, and have often received food boxes more than once in 3 months.  Also, the food boxes I have received were perishable, and my case manager delivered them to me, or told me when she had them so I could pick them up.  So, after going round and round that I never signed or filled out a form in 5 years of going to this clinic, where I was afraid I was going to lose it and burst out in tears, or ‘get that tone in my voice’ that makes people just walk away from me and ignore me forever, he finally said ‘well, case managers have the ability to go to 22+ food pantries to get perishable food boxes and deliver them to their clients.  Maybe this is what you are talking about?  And I said, flooded with such relief that I was afraid I was going to bow down on my knees and pray to God right then and there thanks that I was finally being heard, understood, and listened to, YES, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I HAVE BEEN TELLING YOU FOR THE LAST 1.5HRS.  THAT MY LAST CASE MANAGER DID THAT.  THAT THAT IS WHAT I WANT FROM THE NEW CASE MANAGER.  THAT IF SHE DOES NOT CHOOSE TO DO THAT (as it is optional for them to do that) THAT THEN I WOULD GLADLY FILL OUT THE FORM FOR FOOD BOX A-DRY GOODS, BUT ONLY IF I COULD NOT GET FOOD BOX B-PERISHABLE GOODS (which are up to case manager to do or not to do).  Then, he finally agreed to have her contact me tomorrow to find out if she does do FOOD BOX B-PERISHABLE GOODS, or not.  And if not, then I will fill out the form for FOOD BOX A-DRY GOODS, tomorrow.  And it only took 1.5 hours.  But I was REALLY proud of myselves for not bursting out into tears (the guy would have walked away if I had) or for ‘sounding’ argumentative/belligerent from frustration.  He would’ve walked away then too, maybe set security on me even.

And the piece de resistance, the mignon final, my late father’s wife, who is listed as Co Power of Attorney, Durable, for Health Care for my only living family (2 cousins who are sisters, who raised my dad) has shunned me, blocked me out of the loop concerning my two cousins, and has made my cousins believe that I am trying to steal their money and place them in nursing homes, when in actuality, I am trying to convince them to accept some home health and cleaning services so they can stay in their own home, by contacting the Area Agency on Aging and having them do a service counselling appointment.  Well, my step mom, now that my dad’s dead, has been trying to get their money for the last 3 years.  But when I actually want to step in and help them by having her do that, she shuns me and intimidates my cousins from talking to me or allowing the staff at the nursing home from talking to me, or allowing the Area Agency on Aging from talking to me, or their doctor’s from talking to me.  So, I am now effectively out of the loop because my step mom is going against my dads’ last wishes that my family should be in their house as long as they can be safe and healthy and have their needs met.  Since he died, my step mom has been trying to get them out of their house and take their money.  Now that I saw how they are living as hoarders (y’know those real life TV hoarder shows, ya, my cousins could be on that show) plus the filth under the hoard.  Plus they don’t bathe or wash their hair.  And the need assistance to get in and out of the house and in and out of the car.  So they need help if they are to stay in their home. They think if they accept help, they would spend down their estate/savings (which is true, but then they would be eligible for medicaid and would have every service covered).  They also think if anyone sees how they live, they will be forced to leave their home, but that is only true if they are found by a doctor or judge to be incompetent.  They are certainly not that.  So, step mom has made me the scape goat and has convinced my cousins that if they speak with me, they will lose everything and that I hate them.  I still have power of attorney, durable, for healthcare, because the only way that can be revoked is if my cousins themselves tell a healthcare provider that provides any service for them that they do not want me as their poa any longer.  They can also put that in a short note in writing.  Or, they can have it witnessed by 2 competent people or by a notary.  But my co-POA, my step mom, cannot just go around saying I am no longer POA just on her sayso, without any statement from any healthcare provider of my cousins or a written notice of it properly recognized by the state.  But still, step mom is doing just that, and is just going around announcing that she has removed me as POA, or that the cousins have, but there is no proof that the cousins have done any such thing.  Therefore, until proper recognized written notice is provided or until one of their healthcare providers says the cousins told them these wishes, I am still POA, no matter what step mom says.  But the hard part is proving it, and in engaging in and staying through to the end and winning this battle.  Just the thought of having to engage in this battle is epically depleting.  I don’t know if I can even see it through if I engage fully in it.  Especially with all the above stuff already weighing on me and being immediately pressing.   This really is the actual place they are at right now:   

Sorry.  Didn’t mean to whine.   Others have it worse.  I should think of all those in Ethiopia or wherever.  I am completely overwhelmed just in contemplating the oncoming battle over the cousins…don’t think I have the stamina to see it through or win either one.  This was really just meant to be a list that I could refer to to see what all I am dealing with daily because it all gets jumbled up in my head and I get so stressed and anxious and short tempered when it all gets tangled up and I can’t find room to think or breathe and at least in this list it is all laid out so I can keep each thread separate and at the very least know what is on my plate, even if I don’t want any of it, or know where to start or what to do with any of it.

 

 

Moving AGAIN!

Yes, fellow readers, I know I just moved last August, but I’ll be moving again this August.  This is the strangest move I have ever made.  We are moving approximately 1 block away, to a smaller complex that looks a bit rundown from the outside, but the insides are wonderful!  And the rent is actually really cheap!! (not like where I am at the moment, where the rent is cheap, but the water bill kills you every month, making it not so cheap).  So, cheaper, nicer, bigger inside, one block away.  Where I am at currently, well, it looks nice on the outside, but the insides are very cramped.  And oh yeah, the constant police presence has taken a toll on me as well.  I don’t try to be stuck up, but when you have the police in your complex at least 3 times a week, and sometimes they have SWAT and police chopper overhead too, well, it seems that maybe its not the best place to be.  Last night, SWAT was here, surrounding a building, using a megaphone to draw out 3 people in an apartment.  They said things like “Come out with your hands up.  If you drop your hands, I’ll shoot you.”  and ” keep your back to me while going down the stairs.  If you turn around, I will set this dog on you and he will bite you and drag you to me.”

So, for the reasons of a) cheaper rent, b) bigger apartment, and c) less police presence, we are moving, AGAIN, only a block away.  My son is not at all pleased with the idea.  He says everytime we move, I say that it will be better than where we leave, and that it’s never true so we should just stay put.  He also says its too much work for only a block away.  He is my main muscle, who does most of the heavy lifting.  So, I hope he will still give his best since we are moving anyway.

My daughter is thrilled beyond words, excited beyond belief.  Her best friend, and also SO, lives over in the new place.  So, ya, now she won’t have to walk a whole block to see him, now she’ll just be a few doors away.  So, she is all for the short hop, even if it means moving everything again.

The real question is, am I really able to go through a whole move, again?  We have moved just about every year of the last 7.  And my son is right, it’s never better, even though it should have been.  No matter what, the we have never been able to reap the reward of the move.  I don’t want to put them through another move and find out I’m not saving any more money, it isn’t nice or clean enough or whatever.  I want it to work, at least for 2 more years.  Oh well, here we go again!

Jumble of Emotions

Hi All!  I am feeling really pretty good today.  This is starting to happen more often now, and I’m starting to recognize it faster, and I’m starting to believe that even if I acknowledge it, it will most likely still be there!  I  was always afraid to believe I really was feeling good, because it seemed like when I did do that, it would just as quickly and mysteriously disappear again.  So, its nice to know it won’t just disappear.

I am experiencing a bunch of emotions all at once right now tho.  I am embarking on two adventures.  First, in June, me and my kids are roadtripping from Arizona to Iowa and we are staying with the last of my family.  We plan on being there for three weeks.  I have lots of anxiety about this trip.  Some is negative, but lots is positive.  Of course, I’m worried about finances, about hoping we don’t overspend or have an unexpected expense.   I am worried about the bills still getting paid, especially since there is no internet or cell phone at our destination (it is what you might call a ‘rustic’ locale), but I can always drive into the nearest city of any size about 25mi away, and use the wifi at the library.  I plan on doing that about every 3rd day.  And, my family there is the last of my line, and they are now very elderly, so this may be the last time any of us sees either of them.

My second adventure is probably moving a block over.  I can actually see the new place from my current place.  It is just up the street about a block.  There are some worries about the thought of moving there, tho.  The complex is actually only 3 buildings, in the shape of an H (or a tie-fighter if you prefer).  There is a pool under the crossbar.  There is a very small 2 washer, 2 dryer laundry room.  And the yard and surrounding area maintenance is a little less than desired.  Not exactly bad, but not really nice either.  But the apartment!  Oh, my!  it is probably about 1000+ square feet, 2 beds and 2 baths.  There are closets in every room (those of you not familiar with desert architecture may not understand why that is so great a feature!).  So, closets in all the rooms, a large kitchen plus an eat in area that does not use any of the actual kitchen space.  The bathrooms are both good size, and you can actually do more than stand in spot and pivot around (like where I am currently).  And both bedrooms are larger than what we have now.  So, my son will get the regular bedroom, and its about the same as what he has now.  My daughter and I share the master bedroom, and currently, we have only enough room to squeeze between the beds and along the bottom of the beds to get out the door.  The new master bedroom is roomier and should give us more room than the minimum to squeeze between the beds, so that my daughter can have more space to spread out her teenage girl self, and of course, for having more friends over at the same time!  Even better, if you pay a single $200 deposit, you can have as many animals in your unit as you want, and there is NO montly pet rent fee per pet.  This is great for me, because I currently have a cat who is designated as my Emotional Support Animal (ESA), so she is completely free (even of deposit), but I had been considering getting a new dog (i have a hole left in my from when my last dog, also my ESA at the time, passed away almost a year ago.  So, if I don’t have to pay pet rent, then it will be so much easier for me to afford to have a regular pet, which I can’t do at my current place, as there is both a deposit and a monthly fee.  I would really like to have a dog again.  So, there is a lot to like about moving next door.  Oh, and did I mention that not only is it larger (by about 1/3 more), and has no pet rent, but the rent is the same AND I would not have to pay Water, Sewer, Trash (which I currently pay close to $100 in addition to my rent each month).  That would mean that in addition to being larger, and no pet rent, but I would also be paying almost $100/mo LESS each month to the landlord due to not having a water bill.

So, negatives include having to go through the whole collecting boxes from WalMart in the middle of the night, putting them all together, packing everything into them, and renting a Uhaul truck to fill with the filled boxes and then drive it 1 block away to unload it all over again, and then unload the boxes and put everything in its place again.  That is a lot of work.  Plus, we have moved 4 times already since we came to Arizona in 2008, and according to my son “every move has only left us in worse and worse places, so we might as well stay put”.  Now on the other hand, my daughter really wants to move, because her sweetheart lives in the same place (that is how we even know about this place!), so then all they would have to do to see each other is step out the door and walk a few feet to the other’s door.  I must say, I am mostly in favor of moving, even though it is such a short distance away, and seems like such a waste of effort, time and money for so little a move.  I am really positive about having more space, more closets, no water bill (save me $100 ea mon!), and no pet rent, so I can get another dog.  But I hate to admit that I think my son might have hit upon a truth–we have moved to both cheaper, smaller, and less nice places each time we have moved.  Of course, that because our income has been either staying the same or declining as well.  Anyway, his words kind of haunt me, lingering in my head when I try to think of the positives of this move.  And I have worries that he may be right.  Maybe I am making another mistake that doesn’t need to be made.  Maybe I should quit looking for a fix, for something better, and just stay with what I have, what (mostly) works.  There is also the cost of coming up with first month rent and deposit, which could very well sink me and make me overdrawn.  That would be a very touchy and delicate balancing act, that logically and mathematically would and should work, but may always be tipped over by any unexpected bumps.

Well, ok that is what’s been going on with me.  I think I am starting to feel happy more often.  I think it might be sticking around now.  And I’m just all sorts of happy and excited but being torn in the other direction at the same time of not wanting to ruin what I’ve go now for something I hope will, should, could be better, but might not be.  So, I am feeling kind of torn and jumbled and not sure which way to go.  I wish there was an easy way to decide, to not take a chance that isn’t going to pan out in the end.  I guess I’ll just have to ‘let this sit’ like so many other things, and see where it leads.

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Heres something I never thought Id be saying, much less doing.  A few days ago, while running errands, I returned to my car only to find it wouldnt start.  I didnt believe it was the battery.  I called my roadside assist, and the fellow who came also agreed it was not the battery, instead he felt it was most likely the starter.  So, he took a crow bar, stuck it straight down into the engine compartment somewhere and pounded the top end of it with a hammer several times.  Then, magically, my car started right up!  The fellow had me come to the engine area, and showed me where he had put one end of the crowbar, and explained, when the starter is first beginning to go bad, if you hit it and cause enough jiggling/vibrations, it frees it and lets the fly wheel turn to start the engine.  Wow!  That was so simple, and so cool!  He said whether it would do it or not again was anyone’s guess—it might do it next time I start it, it might not do it for months.

Well, today my son (who is sharing my car cause we are still trying to replace his recently totaled car) went to go to work, but the engine wouldn’t start!  Ha!  I knew why, and how to fix it!  Ha!  But, we didn’t have any pole or bar long enough to reach the starter.  So, I tried my upstairs neighbor, a young guy who frequently asks me for aluminum foil (??), searched and hunted, and low and behold, he came up with some kind of pole about as long as a crow bar—my son put it in place and hammered it, while I tried to start it, and Yes!, it actually worked!

I feel quite smug now, that I was the only one of 3 young men who knew how to make your starter work when it won’t.  Sometimes, I not only amaze myself, but others who can’t believe I would know either!

Well, that was today, and I did feel pretty smart about it.  Pleased with myself even.  But in the rest of life, things are going along nicely too.  I can’t say I’m just happy and bubbly, BUT, I am not being sucked under, I’m just having a nice float instead. Not really heading anywhere specific, just floating along watching the world and not feeling like I’m about to drown.  I’m trying really hard not to think about anything I might face in the future, and just enjoy the moment.

On Being the ‘Nice Sheep’ from now on

All my life I have been fighting the world to get what I thought I needed.  Nothing has ever come easy.  Since 1999 I have been fighting the mental healthcare establishment to get the ‘right’ treatment, to get what I believed I needed at the time, to get the best meds or the best treatment or the best therapy.  And over all those years, I was finally feeling I had won, that I had finally gotten everything I needed.

But then, the way my state handles Medicare mental health provision just changed, and I will very possibly be losing my Primary Care doc, as well as my specialists and forced to start over with unknowns yet again.  In addition to this (as if that wasn’t stressful enough) I am being pressured to change my psych meds, the same meds that got me to this point of actually starting to make progress on my issues and change my behaviors.  Before these meds, back in 2008, I had over 2 dozen serious attempts.  I can’t imagine changing these meds, for the risk of going back to the place where all I wished for with every waking breath was that my next breath would be my last.  I can’t even conceive of changing these meds and taking the chance of re-entering that hell.  I don’t even care what physical issues I develop by staying on these meds.  I don’t care if my kidney problems develop into full kidney failure, or if my potassium goes so high that I might have an asymptomatic massive heart attack and die, or that my EKG will change even more and maybe cause fainting or sudden death.  I don’t care if I am risking these things.  I want to be in my right mind, clear headed, coherent, and stable emotionally.  I don’t want to live with no physical illness or symptoms for forever if it means there is even a possibility that I will not be in my right mind, that I will be confused, disjointed, slow, fuzzy.  What is the point in living forever if you don’t have your mind?  Can’t they understand that I will risk all those dangers caused by the meds if it means I will keep my senses, even if my life is foreshortened?

I think I am tired of fighting all this time.  I think I will at long last yield and drop my gauntlet.  I will become the sheep that all mental health providers dream of making each client into.  The sheep who has no complaints about meds, services, therapies or providers.  The sheep who says and does exactly what is suggested by the provider.  Change meds?  You bet.  Baa.  Change providers?  Sure.  Baa.  Jump off a bridge?  Absolutely!  BAAA!  No longer have any ideas of what is wrong or what I need or what would be best?  Guaranteed.  BAAA!  From now on, I will a passive, calm, agreeable sheep and do what I’m told.

What I Almost Let Happen

This post may be *Triggering*

 

So you all know how I’ve had a bunch of stressful, upsetting events over the last 10 days or so.  Each one felt like it was the end of the world, because I never had time to recuperate between things happening.  So, even though some things were not so big, my reaction to them was, cause I hadn’t yet recovered from the previous item.

So, I went in for a med check, and also to decide if I will be changing off of lithium and onto something else, since I have some issues with the lithium causing my body to have problems.   You all probably remember how upset I was about that, and that I finally decided that no matter the physical troubles, I want to keep my mind intact more.  So, no changing off lithium.  Better to live short, but have my mind, than the other way round.  What’s the point of living, if you are not in your right mind?  That sounds more like torture to me.

So, she asked how I’ve been doing recently, so I tell her, well, really, not that great.  Have you been depressed?  Oh, yes, yes i have, I say.  Well, how depressed–have you been suicidal?  Oh, yes, I say.  I have been, but now that nothing has happened today, I feel ok today.  But yesterday, I really did feel suicidal.  Do you have a plan?  yes, I do.  What is it?  Well, if I told you, you would take steps to prevent me from using my plan, so I’m not saying what my plan is.  At this point, I realize I’ve been a bit snappish and snarky.  I do that with people in authority, cause I’m afraid they will not provide me with what I need.  Anyway, I actually realized I was doing  it, so I stopped for a minute and apologized for being snappy and snarky, and I explained how people in authority are a trigger for me, and I was afraid and that’s why I did it, and now, I’m apologizing.  She says, Ok, but you already did it.  You can’t take it back.  So I accept it, but nothing is different, cause you already did it.  So, I got kind of offended.  Usually, when I realized I have been in the wrong, and I apologize, the person accepts it, and they move on, leaving that in the past.  But that is not what she did.  So, I became miffed with her for being so rude, and I grabbed my purse and started to leave, saying, well, if that’s how it is, then we have nothing more to say to each other, and I will just be going.  That’s when it happened.  She said, Oh, you aren’t going anywhere.  What said I.  The only place you’re going right now is into the hospital.  What!!!??? I say.  Why?  Oh, because you said you were suicidal.  I said I was suicidal yesterday, because something happened.  But I also said I am ok today, because it has gone well.  

So, she said I could talk to a case manager, to see if they agreed with her or me, or, if I didn’t talk to a case manager, I would be sent to the hospital right away.  So my case manager was out sick that day.  So I had to talk to the ‘blue dot’, or head of all the case managers.  Fortunately, she was very good and patient, and she allowed me all the time I needed to explain my reasons for being triggered, and to explain why I am so adamant about not being hospitalized or having police sent to my home ( in other posts I discuss how I was forced by police, who broke into my home, to go to the psych er for eval, and then the police said I abandoned my kids, and they were put into foster care in various situations for a year. I simply will not allow this to happen again. )  So, after an hour or so, I had given her my background to explain how I reacted, why I was snarky, why I said yes, I was suicidal yesterday, but today I’m ok.  So, once she had the full story of how I did what I did today, she agreed with me that I wasn’t suicidal at the moment, and did not need to be sent to the hospital.  But first, she had to clear it with her boss, the ‘red dot’.  Red dot was not willing to agree with blue dot about having me admitted immediately, but after blue dot spoke with her for a bit, red dot said that she must have me speak with Crisis Line and agree to have them monitor me over the weekend by phone.  So, obviously, Crisis phone calls were my only possible choice, since going to the hospital was out of the question.  So, blue dot and I spoke to Crisis on the phone, and I had to agree to receive phone calls each evening (Fri, Sat, and Sun) anytime from 7-9pm.  If I did not answer during that time when they called, police would be dispatched to take me to hospital immediately.  So, I was sitting home, by the phone,  every night this weekend.  And I assured them each night that I was not going to kill myself or hurt anyone.  My clinic will start doing the phone checks on me starting tomorrow.

So, the moral of this story is, never admit how you are really feeling, or you will lose complete control over everything in your life, possibly even lose your kids as well.  I know I came out of this lucky, cause I know how close I came to maybe losing my kids once again.  But it really sucks you can’t be honest about how you feel, because you’re afraid of losing your family.  How can you really get better if you’re not honest?